it is at moments after i have dreamed

For me.

2010-04-25T01:17:00.000-07:00

And so, in this ever evolving state of self, I have learned the following things:

I am a difficult person to get to know.
Silence and alone time are more important to my sanity than anything else.
I talk too loudly. And occasionally too much.
I am terrible at returning phone calls.
My sarcasm is sometimes unintentionally mean.
I am, despite protests, a largely "type A" person.
I am periodically pretentious.
I demand a lot from those I allow to be close to me.
I am looking for honesty.
I am only interested in people who are a bit of a mess.
I am not ready to date.
I am just as confused about the way life works as I was ten years ago.
Reading makes me happier than most other activities.
I frequently forget that I am a grown up.
It is OK for me to make selfish decisions.
It is also OK for me to change my mind.
I'm not sure that I'll ever know who I am for more than a moment, and I am beginning to like that.

This list is not well written, terribly interesting, or even relevant to any one but myself. It is incomplete and ever changing. In this moment, in these days of frustration and low self esteem, it helps me to see a picture of the person I think I am. It will help me to see where I am going. And, in my increasingly unpredictable life, it may just push me to work a little harder to be a better self.

Blah.

2010-03-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

I just feel weird. And vulnerable. And a little bit needy. Today was a weird kind of day, where I made some big/little/instantly gratifying decisions that have left me in a tumultuous frame of mind. I wish that I could take back some of the crazy that has occurred during today, but I can't. I think that I live inside my head so much that sometimes I forget that other people aren't privy to the insanity within. I tried to blame it on a full moon, sadly the moon is at 47% tonight (Yes, I looked it up). I'd like to blame it on hormones, or being a woman, or something, but when it comes down to it I think it was just one of those days where I feel out of sorts and am looking for some comfort, and am not exactly sure where I can turn to receive that comfort.
Sigh.

When All's Well...

2010-03-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

I've made some big decisions in the last year. Ones that will affect the rest of my life, and whose consequences I have spent a great deal of time pondering. After this time of great contemplation have arisen other decisions that need to be made. Many of these have, for lack of a more PC term, stressed me the fuck out. They have been things that have made my life feel crazy, have made me a wreck, and just generally been displeasing to deal with. One of my friends made the suggestion that I stop thinking of things in such grand terms. Not every decision I make has to weigh in on the rest of my life. Sometimes, just thinking and deciding for now is all that you can do, and if it doesn't really make sense in the long term, well then, that is something you'll have to adjust. And so, this is what i am trying to do. While I have made lots of decisions that reflect my long terms goals, I've been making a few more rash decisions that are just making me happy right now. Is this selfish? Probably, but selfish seems to be the theme and I'm just going with it. I'm trying to give up a bit of control, trying to work through what is fulfilling and satisfying to me now. Do I think I'll get everything I want? Probably not. But I can be honest and forthcoming, and try to make the decisions that will fit my life and my happiness the best. It seems to me that this is the way life should be lived.

Beautiful Mess

2010-03-13T22:29:00.001-08:00

One of the big adjustments to being single is not having someone who must listen to you when you are upset. The lack of intimacy, the space left where someone should be holding your hand. When you have bad days, for whatever reason, you are left to navigate them alone, unless you go out of your way to reach out for comfort. This reaching out has never been a strong point of mine. Instead, I'll shut myself in or pretend to others that I'm shining through the darkness.
Today was no good. Several events culminated to make it not good. In an attempt to make it better, I made plans to go out. Drink. Have a good time. Only when it came time to actually do it, I found that was not what I wanted. I found that what I wanted was some real time with someone. Some time to sit down and talk about how I was feeling, about what was upsetting me. Only, in my stubborn and and somewhat self deprecating mind I didn't feel I had that person to reach out to. Now, I'm sure that many of friends would have been willing to listen, including the ones with whom I had plans. But, that wasn't really what I wanted. The intimacy of knowing someone and really communicating is something that, in my opinion, doesn't happen very often. Instead, we end up drinking away and mashing through issues that require more time and attention than we seem to want to give them.
Reaching out would also mean vulnerability. Giving out a piece of myself that I'm not ready to. Yes, all of my friends know I'm a mess, but I'm at least a private mess. I don't have melt downs, don't have crazy days, at least not outwardly. Exposing that side to someone feels to dangerous. For now, exposing my crazy through weekly blog posts is enough for me...

insanity.

2010-03-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I wrote a whole entry and had to delete it because it was just so damn dark. The combination of snow, midterms and my general life stress is making me a tad crazy. I'm sure it would have been wonderfully interesting for you to witness my lapse into insanity, but for now I think I'll keep that bit personal.
This week has been tough, if for no other reason than I'm actually trying to deal with things, instead of simply ignoring them, a tactic that I have employed for years. Honestly, I don't know why people do this... pretending everything is ok, and waiting out the shit seems much easier than being a responsible adult about things. I've also been trying to recover from the crap that settled in my chest, and am only sleeping in a codeine-infused cough medicine stupor.
School has felt overwhelming at moments, but I am managing to keep it mostly under control. Having 3 midterms this week is less than ideal, but once those are over I have a week of spring break! While I won't be sunning myself in beautiful Cabo, or skiing in some far off mountain resorand trying to regain some of my previously gained composure.

Life, as we know it.

2010-02-23T14:35:00.001-08:00

So, I could write about my AMAZING trip to New Orleans. I could tell you that it was one of the best experiences of my whole life, and that spending 24 hours in a car with 2 people actually made us better friends. I could tell you that it started out terrifying, and ended beautifully. But, I don't think that anything I could say would really convey the amazing paragraph that this trip added to the book that is my life. It was beautifully written, and to try and share that with you, well, it would just feel watered down and unsatisfying.

Instead, I want to share with you that this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This is not an issue that I focus on a lot, but it is something that is important to me on a personal level. As one who has struggled with my body perception in the past, I can say that sometimes just letting a person know how beautiful and wonderful they are could really make a difference. To get more information go to http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

I'm done with my public service announcement. All for now.

Recovery.

2010-02-12T09:05:00.000-08:00

Ok, so, I'll admit. Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any one, particular reason, but simply because I was feeling sorry for myself. I think I should be entitled to a day like that every now and then. A day where I won't judge myself for having a couple beers, while snuggling with my pug and crying. Ok, fine, pass judgment. I know I am. But, today is a new day, and I will continue to push forward through this mess.
As it is, I have already been a considerably better adult. Doing laundry, taking care of the pug, getting some homework accomplished. Despite this, I still feel an innate pull back to sadness. This is unexpected. I have spent the large majority of my life not being sad about things that require it. Childhood trauma made me numb to many of the things that could break other people. In fact, to this point, I thought that after the death of my mother nothing could really make me sad again.
It is with these feelings that I am trying to redefine, as I said yesterday. I am trying to make goals, however small they may seem to others, and push myself to accomplish them. I have found two short story competitions that I'm going to enter. I'm entering them, not because I think I'll win, or even because I think I'm that great of a writer, but because I love to write, and feel like I have things to say. Plus, you have to start somewhere, and I think this will motivated me to polish some of my writing.

Identity

2010-02-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

So, in my haze of self-realization and honesty I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing. I know, shocking. Trying to find and maintain identity with this realization is a bit of a struggle, and at this point I am feeling simply frustration. In trying to answer fundamental questions about myself (things like: who am I really? What is it that I want? or even simply What am I going to major in?!) I have realized that to different people I am different things. Is this part of being an adult? compartmentalizing who you are? I certainly hope not. However, I find myself being different people at different times. Revealing only what I deem to be appropriate for the situation, and then hiding the rest. Sometimes, I care far too much about what other will think of me, and this needs to stop.
It is in this vein of thought that I feel I should at least mention the reason for my temporary insanity. Being 25 and going through a separation is not something that I necessarily wish to broadcast, but feel that for my own selfish purposes it's a fact I should put out there. I am now living with a roommate, instead of a spouse. I am trying to readjust my whole life, and find out who I am individually because that is not something I did very well while married.
Perhaps this is what would be deemed a quarter life crisis, although I'm not really a fan of that term. I think that people should be allowed, and encouraged, to continually evolve. To find out who and what they really are. If and when that changes, it is the beauty in life that allows us to adapt and grow with each flexing moment.

Where I'm very honest.

2010-02-05T01:31:00.000-08:00

Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.

What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.

I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.

In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.

Class Ramblings

2010-01-20T11:08:00.000-08:00

This semester, I am enrolled in a course entitled "Global Connections". It is a liberal studies requirement from the university, however, I have the feeling that this could be one of my favorite classes, not just for this semester, but through the course of my college career.

The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.

The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.

Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.

2010

2010-01-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

Most people take the start of a New Year to reassess their lives, rethink their goals, realign expecations and begin again in a way that seems to only be offered by the presence of a new calender.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.

Happy New Year, all.

Definition

2009-10-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.

Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.

So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.

In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?

I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.

For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.

Going, going...

2009-09-30T07:37:00.000-07:00

Quick! I have 15 minutes before I need to get to my next class!

Obviously, things have been absurdly busy. I am no longer privy to long, leisurely evenings that allowed me to enlighten the world with my lilting, beautiful writing. Or, you know, write hurried and often neurotic blog posts. Same thing.

College is excellent. For real. I could not be happier with my decision to go back. I'm enjoying my classes and doing well in most of them. Chemistry is ... we'll see how that continues to go; I am optimistic that the first exam was a fluke, and that I will do better from here on out. We'll see. Everything else is going fairly smoothly, even if the only thing I've had time to write has been the random essays assigned to me in my English class.

Work is fun. I can't say that I'm thrilled to be working as much as I am, but I really love Amelie's (The amazing and fabulous French Bakery where I work), and the people and customers make me enjoy my time there. There is the slight issue of my ass getting a little bigger, and so I'll have to control my desire to eat everything in the cases... but other than that I am proud and delighted to be a part of such a great place.

I've been attempting to be at least a bit involved on campus, I've applied for a Freshman Leadership program (I met with the director, she encouraged me to apply, even though I'm old) and I'm trying to get involved in the production of the vagina monologues, although the Women's Studies department that hosts the event is a little less enthusiastic about the cause than I would like. I will officially start engineering classes next semester (YAY!) and have determined that if I take 2 summer classes, I should be on par with the rest of the Engineering students, and on track for only 4 lovely years here at UNCC.

Alright, the halls are filling with chattering students, my signal to moooove along.

Oh, also, my hair is purple. ish. I'm pretty happy to be able to funk things up again.

How quickly...

2009-09-09T07:01:00.000-07:00

Oh, Maryland. How I miss and love you! I had the fortune of driving up to MD a week and a half ago to visit my little sister, who was home on leave. Foo Foo looks great, and it made me ridiculously happy to be in the same house with BOTH of my sisters at the same time. We went to a cool brewery that opened in Delmar, had dinner at my Dad's an just had some lovely sister time. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera, and as such have NO PICTURES. But we were all together. with our dogs. I promise!
Other than visiting my loved ones, I've just been doing the usual : Work, School, Homework, Study. I'm finding the studying thing to be the best -- especially for my math class. Obviously, most of the people in my classes are 18, and coming right from high school... so they don't need as much of a refresher as I do. My class is fast paced, which I like, but it leaves me teaching myself some things, simply because I'm the only one who hasn't been acquainted with the material recently. One of the women I work with asked if I felt like I was at a disadvantage... I'm not sure that I would call it that precisely, but I definitely will be working harder for my grades, at least this semester while I adjust and reacquaint.
The most exciting part of my week? RIVER IS LOSING HER TEETH! It's so weird! I guess with Simon, he ate them, so I never saw them. They are super tiny and cute. If teeth can be cute. I looked it up to make sure it was ok, and she seems to be right on schedule for having all of her adult teeth in a month or so. I'd been a bit concerned that she wasn't eating well, and I suppose it's because her teeth have been bothering her! This morning Hub made her an egg, and she was very happy to eat that, and even managed to eat some of her dry food. They grow so quickly!

It only gets better with...

2009-09-03T04:50:00.000-07:00

(I took this picture last year at Childress Vineyards, when coming to look for a place to live. Who knew moving to NC would bring such large changes to my life!)

Now that I've settled into a routine, I can honestly say that being back in school is a) weirder than I thought it would be and b) more of an adjustment. As a person who has done a lot of "personal renovations" (of the mental/spiritual/philosophical/confidence kind) over the last few years, it is very strange for me to be in a setting where I have, for the most part, no power. I am very used to interacting with people who are older and have more education than I do... and am used to being viewed as a peer or equal. The fact that I have friends who are the same age, and with similar education as some of my professors is a bit disconcerting. I want to have more of a conversation, but college is not a conversation. It is a "sit down and learn what I'm saying". I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it's a weird feeling to be at the bottom of the totem pole again.
As far as the adjustment goes -- it's a scheduling thing. I've been used to coming home, having some wine, taking naps, going to the park, etc, etc. Now I am a slave to my schedule -- when am I working? When is class? When is this assignment due? Do I have enough time? It's resulted in my getting up too early, and going to bed too late. Despite this, I am very happy with my decision to return to school, even if it's taking a moment for me to get my brain in learning/studying mode. I feel very frustrated at times that I didn't get my act together sooner... knowing that I could have completed school already, and be in my career. It's very difficult not to look back like that, but I stumbled across this beautiful quote, that is very well stated, and means a lot to me:

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson

I've got all my life to live...

2009-08-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

I've survived! I'm almost done with my first week of class (just one more tomorrow), and I have experienced a range of emotions this week: Elation, anxiety, frustration, interest, disgust, confusion, pride, nostalgia... and I could go on. Classes have been really great, although I think that blogging has ruined my writing "etiquette" and so I'll have to brush up on that.
It's been difficult for me to decide what exactly (outside of the academic learning) is interesting me the most. Is it the way that the 18 year old freshman react in class? Or is it the constant connectedness that is apparent all over campus -- iPhones, Laptops, Blackberries?
First, let me say that the second time around is quite different for me. I know what I want to do, I'm very committed and highly motivated. I know that when I was younger, my mind sent was not exactly the same, but SURELY I was never as flippant as the kids in my classes? Right? Why is so cool to spend 7,000+ a year on college, only to slack off and not attend class? I guess I just don't get it.
And moving on... I am ALL for social media. I think it is great. Fantastic, even. Being on twitter has connected me to Charlotte in a way that is mind blowing. Pretty much everything I know about Charlotte now comes from twitter. I follow interesting people, and have actually managed to make friends with a few people, just by "tweeting" at them. Very cool. But when is it too much? When are we crossing the line of "acceptable, informing communication" into "self-obsessed, absurd vanity"? The only thing I can keep thinking is Narcissus. When will this happen to us? One day, when the phone breaks or we're out of service range on vacation, how will we react? Will we take the sword and end it all, simply because we have no access to this wonderful reflection of ourselves? Ok, it's dramatic but, honestly, how far is it from the truth?

A change will do you good.

2009-08-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is a moment when I know my life has changed. It is 11:30 on a Monday, and I am very awake, having just returned from playing pool. In the last year (probably a bit more) my life has changed drastically. I have not only changed cities, but changed states. I have changed jobs (twice now), moved from a 2 bedroom apartment, to a 2 bedroom townhouse. Bought a puppy. Cut my hair. Changed my entire life. Last week, I was a nanny with no direction. This week, I am a student. On my way to using all the beautiful intelligence I have been gifted.
I can very honestly say that I have made more changes in the last year than I have in the 7 years since my mom died. And much of that was fear. But, I'm determined to move past all that, in into my real life. The life where I continue to be fun and spontaneous, but also smart and responsible. The life where I make choices that make me happy, instead of make me safe. Having just returned from a pool hall (where I've never been, and am btw HORRIBLE at) I sit here and am able to fully recognize the massive changes in my life. Perhaps it was the 2 beers. Or the warm weather. Or the snuggling dogs. But whatever it is, this is the moment. My life, in a matter of a few hours, has changed and I couldn't be more thrilled. I am working at a bakery, which I adore, I am studying engineering -- something I didn't really think I'd have the balls to do, and I am loving, living and exploring more than I ever have in my adult life.
I'm done with the regrets. Moving on from the mistakes. Trying to leave the emptiness and sadness behind. Big, wide, beautiful world : Here I Come. Please be ready.

Time...

2009-08-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Carol, remember me? I used to blog on a regular basis. And now, due to my life exploding and becoming insane, I can barely get in a regular update.

I am really going to try and be much better about this, if only so that I can have this is reflect in/on in the future. So, I feel like a lot has happened since I've last updated. Big thing: I got into UNCC! I'm pretty stoked about it, although not as confident as I had previously been about my track. While I love writing, I don't want to teach. And I would really like a bachelors that allows me to do something I enjoy, so I'm looking into something more in the science/math field, because as we all know, Math is My Life! So, I was officially accepted on friday (the picture is of one of the main buildings on campus), and classes start in oh, two and half weeks, so I am frantically trying to get everything together so that I can start. On top of all this, I am job searching, as my nanny job is over the friday before classes start! Let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for the word "recession". I have sent out resumes to at least 50 jobs, most of which were simple receptionist positions, and have gotten 3 phone calls. One was a scam, the other didn't work because of timing, and the third is an interview I have with a temp agency on friday. In the meantime, I'm pretty much driving myself crazy stressing out about every little thing. I try really hard not, but some times it is difficult. Although I feel I'm doing a better job of it than I usually do. This past weekend was very helpful in that -- Hub and I took the puppies down to Atlanta and spent some time with very quality people, who always make me feel loved, and always help me to relax.

I've also begun the task of sorting through some boxes of pictures that I got from my dad. Let me tell you, that is a long walk down memory lane. Sometimes the pictures make me happy, and sometimes they me melancholy or wistful. Either way, I'm very glad to have them.

Ok, that is all for now.

Politics and Life

2009-07-30T15:47:00.000-07:00

I've had a lot of things I've wanted to say lately, but haven't really had the time to sit down write them out properly.

Many things about politics, the focus of the media, and the distractions that are being offered up instead of actual news. Please keep in mind this coming from a democrat who very proudly voted for Obama -- all of this is very frustrating to me. I really put my trust into a system that I feel has always been, well, off kilter or unfair, and I really thought that would make a big direction change. Maybe it's unfair to judge this harshly 6 months in, but Obama gave us HUGE promises, direction and most of all HOPE. While I know that some people still think of him as too liberal, in my eyes he is not liberal, at least not the liberal we were promised.

On top of all my infatuation with news as of late, I have been job hunting (yikes) as well as trying to sort out what I'm doing for school in the fall. Once I have more concrete news on that, I'll be sure to let you know.

Happily, my puppies are doing fabulously, and River is now TEN POUNDS. Less than 2 months ago she was a shrimpy 4 pounds, so she's growing well, and Simon and River absolutely love eachother.

Calm.

2009-07-22T07:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, so, I'd typed out this long whiny entry, and the decided to delete it. I'm going to attempt to keep the "positive energy" going, and say how thankful I am for the things I have in my life. While I may at times get frustrated, hurt or sad, I love my family, my friends, and my puppies. I am lucky enough to live in a nice place, with running water, electricity, internet and cable tv. I have no idea what real hunger feels like. I am educated, informed and have many opportunities, I only have to have the courage to follow through with them. While I have had some terrible things happen to me and those I love in my life time, I have always had the support and love of others to get me through those times. It is very easy to take for granted these beautiful things that we all have, and I am trying to realize this. I am trying to better myself in many ways at the moment - and this is a journey I am just beginning. The journey of self-satisfaction and self-worth. A desire for a sometimes more simple way of life and happiness. A higher understanding of my place in the big, big world, and an acceptance that things will happen as they will, and aside from trying my hardest at whatever my endeavour, there is not much else I can do.

Kindness of Strangers

2009-07-15T08:42:00.000-07:00

So, for some unknown reason my spell check was not working last time, so my apologies for my inability to spell certain things...

As some of you may know, I am in the present position of searching for a job. My contract with my families is over at the end of August, and I have decided to leave the world of Nannying behind for something a bit more secure, or at least something that would allow me to collect unemployment should I find myself in that position. I have been frantically submitting resumes, and trying to battle this dreary economy in which we reside. Pretty much all of my experience is in Health Care, and as such, that is where I am looking. It's rather difficult: I'm still relatively new here, and because I am a Nanny I have not really had much option to expand my social network to include many professionals. Enter Stranger. While at the dog park on Sunday with the two pooches, I struck up conversation with a couple who also had a young puppy and was playing with River. In the course of the conversation it came up that I was looking for a job. Stranger said he used to work for a health care company, and knew some of the higher level executives here in Charlotte and would be happy to pass along my resume. I must say, this was tremendously encouraging. Not because I expect anything to come of it, or to magically find a job, but because this stranger offered to help me. Asked nothing in return, and really doesn't even know me. But, I e-mailed him my resume, and he forwarded it on as promised, and the sent me a very encouraging e-mail.

I don't always have the greatest faith in mankind as a whole, but finding these golden people who will be selfless and think nothing of it is a shining point. I certainly plan to repay the favor as well as I can -- not nessicarily to him, but to some other person who may be in need of a hand.

Tattoos

2009-07-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

I feel that "these days" most people have tattoos. It's a pretty common place thing, and even the most bedecked of people don't get super strange looks from our generation. I have 2. And I love my 2. But I want many many more. The image to the right is what I would like, most likely, my next one to be. As it stands this is one of at least 5 tattoos I plan to get -- and I'm sure I'll end up wanting more. I don't plan to go on my arms or lower legs, and I want to leave my stomach area alone, so that should I ever be pregnant I won't end up with enormous blobs. A lot of people (especially elder folks) tell me how much I'll regret it when I'm older and such, but I honestly don't think I will. All the things I do have meaning to me , and when I'm older they will simply be reminders of parts of my life.
Having said all this I am really looking forward to having my next one done, although I don't know when that will be -- tattoos can get expensive, and some of the ones I want are larger and a bit more involved. Although, This one isn't too bad. So, we'll see. Anyhoodle, I hope I end up with some new ink shortly, so I can share it here.

(didja catch that Salty?)

Patriotism.

2009-07-07T07:24:00.001-07:00

Anyone who knows me can tell you I'm not the most patriotic American. I don't hate America, but I'm not blinded by the lights shining at us. I don't believe that we are the greatest nation on Earth, and I think that we have a lot of work to do. I can't really speak on many of the fiscal matters -- that has never really interested me. I know we're in a recession and it sucks. I don't know enough about the stimulus plan to really make comments on, so I'll leave that alone. The matters that most concern me are the social ones. The equality ones. The ones that deal directly with the people, and how they are viewed and treated by our government.

Obviously the big issue right now is "The Gay". With Don't Ask, Don't Tell and Gay Marriage on the forefront of political issues. I hope this is not ignorance speaking, but I firmly believe we are headed in a positive direction on that front. It helps that we have a more tolerant leader, but he is certainly not the only reason I feel this way.

Our country has a history of resistance to Change. From The Holocaust to Desegregation to Women's voting rights, we have had to fight our hardest to be recognized and once laws were passed, to overcome the prejudices. While I know many of these prejudices still exist, they are now in the minority. I believe in our country and in our government to do the right thing. I believe that 40 years from now we will think it was ridiculous that there was such a hoopla over having gays in the military and letting people marry who they love. I believe that there will still be conservative, religious families who don't agree, but I also believe that we will not interupt their faith by acting on our rights. I believe that people are starting to understand that loving someone isn't really hurting anyone else, while it might not be your cup of tea, it's ok that it's some one elses.

Many of this is new to me. This feeling of accomplishment. I am too young to really remember any major political rifts, and so this will be the torch that I carry. Belief that, in the words of Lt. Dan Choi, Love is Worth It.

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.

Anne Frank

4th

2009-07-02T12:36:00.001-07:00

I'm really really really really really really ready to be off work so I can go to Maryland now.
Kthxbai.

Everyone have a super 4th of July. And please, don't blow your hands off with fireworks.

Nothing, Nothing, Tra la la

2009-06-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

As i'm sure you've all noticed, I am suffering from severe writer retardation. Not block, because I am able to write, but it all becomes this... MUSH. There is no other word for it. I'll start off at a fairly good pace, and then it all dissolves into nothingness, totally off point and going nowhere. Ah, well. It may have something to do with life stress and being out of town all the time. I need to "recharge my batteries". Not really sure when I'll get a chance to do that... heading up to MD on Thursday for the 4th of July weekend.
I'm sure at some point my brain will come back, and I'll have coherent things to offer you.
For now, amoung all the deaths this past week, I leave you with the lovely image of Farrah to ogle. She ought to take your mind off the fact that I haven't said anything at all quite nicely. Yes.

Pride!

2009-06-22T08:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Pride, People! And not just to the GLBTQ (or bananas, as I was informed this weekend) community, but to everyone. Be proud of who you are, and enjoy the differences in life.

Thanks, Mr. Obama, for at least acknowledging the gays, even if you are kind of ignoring them otherwise -- it's official.

More on this later...

Curves Ahead.

2009-06-16T11:22:00.000-07:00

Body image is something I've talked about a couple times here -- because being a woman in my mid-twenties (yikes!) it is something that is at the forefront of all my pop culture obsessions (if you hadn't noticed I am, in fact, obsessed). A few months ago I had conceded that I was no longer the stick thin girl I was in high school. But it's finally dawned on me that I have Curves. Now, they aren't huge or anything -- I'm no Dita Von Teese -- but, now that I have accepted this fact, I have been able to find clothes that fit better, and that flatter me much more than trying to wear things that make me look like a stick. I consider this a big step. I've always had shaky self confidence, for various reasons that could be quite psychologically probed, and the fact that I am able to feel great about how I look is very comforting. I also chopped all my hair off. I'd been growing it out, partly for the wedding I was in in May, but I considered letting it grow because it's just prettier and more feminine that way. But, you know what? Fuck that. I love having short hair. It makes me feel good, it's easy and I feel like myself. I guess when it comes down to it -- the only person I need to make happy is me, and the other people who still love me after that are the ones I should feel lucky to have in my life.

Preppy!

2009-06-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

I, in no way, condone stalking. I think that for the most part the paparazzi are absurd and ridiculous. This being said, I can't help myself. I read people.com -- simply so I don't die from depressing news. In the mornings, I sign into my iGoogle, where all the latest headlines are very conveniently displayed, I begin this downward spiral of news depressants. In the US -- hate crimes, political disagreements, and a failing economy; All over the world -- bombings, hate crimes, more political unrest, nuclear tests, unjust imprisonment and so forth. So, I enjoy taking ten minutes to peruse people.com -- this is something I certainly used to feel guilty for. I try not to get involved in the trashier subjects (affairs, etc) but, looking at the new fashions, or the hilarious things people wore on the red carpet can sometimes be a nice change of pace. Again, I really feel sorry the celebs who are constantly stalked and can't get a minute alone, but things like the red carpet or award shows -- I'll take. Also, for something REALLY funny and nostalgic watch, do yourself a favor and watch this. I laughed very hard, and totally watched SBTB the next day... I still <3 Zack Morris.

Puppppy!

2009-06-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

So, for those of you have not already been bombarded by my facebook page, i'm announcing that a new addition is being added to my clan : a little girl boston terrier by the name of River Tam :) She is coming home on Friday (!!!!!) and I am barely able to contain my excitement. I'm still not really sure how Simon is going to take this, but I know there will be a period of adjustment and I'm sure they'll end up loving eachother. As I've stated before, I really, really love Simon and I'm sure that my heart will only expand to accomodate the same kind of love for River.

Also, if you're not in the know, Simon and River Tam are brother and sister on the most amazing show ever created : Firefly. So, this doesn't make me a geek, it only makes my dogs really bad ass.

I swear! It does!

Gratitude

2009-06-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

I actually thought this was really nice -- while I might not always agree with the cause, I always support our troops. Take a look here at this new campaign. And you can take a moment out of your day to send a quick card to a soldier serving overseas here.

I suppose I'm a bit late for memorial day, but I do what I can!

Glass Houses

2009-05-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days you just wished you could do over? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and even though there might not be anything particularly wrong, you just feel... blah.

Yesterday was one of those days - I was cranky, in part, because it would have been my mom's 55th birthday. But also because I was tired, sick, and it was raining. Luckily, I've only had one baby to watch this week, as the other family is on vacation, but I spent most of the day coughing and washing my hands attempting not to infect my adorable charge.

Upon leaving work the sky looks as though it belongs in some sort of Edgar Allen Poe story -- dark and foreboding. As I drive home it begins to rain... which is fine. I don't really mind rain, aside from the irritation that comes when people forgot how to drive in it. I get home, and it's pouring, so I gather my stuff and run to the door, only to realize that Hub has indeed dead bolted the door on the inside -- so I can't get in. So here I am, standing in the rain, sick, tired, sad and irritated. So, I knock on the door, which is glass paneled on top (do we begin to see where this is going?), I don't hear Hub responding, so I decided to knock louder, also harder. Well, knocking hard on thin, 30 year old glass is a bad idea. My hand went THROUGH the glass and sliced my wrist open. Ok, great. There is a ton of blood, and I can't really see where is it sliced, but Hub opens the door and immediately we grab a towel, apply pressure and head to the ER. My first thought is that they are going to think I tried to slit my wrists and I'm going to have to deal with some sort of psych eval, but luckily no one even intimated that. The cut ended up being more to the side, and while it required 4 stiches, didn't really do much damage, other than making me feel like an idiot.

So, you know the old saying "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones" ? Well, they shouldn't knock on them, either.

Love and Ex.

2009-05-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Comic from xkcd.com -- no copyright infringement intended!

Things I've always wanted to say to my exes:

(these are in no particular order, I just thought it would be amusing to do...)

1) You were horrible in bed. I'm sorry for letting you think otherwise.
2) I thought you ruined my life, but really, you ruined yours.
3) I did love you, and I'm sorry.
4) I hope that I was wrong about you -- and I'm sorry you believed the lies.
5) I'm not sure why I liked you. Really. No idea.
6) You've become someone I don't know, and that makes me sad.
7) I wish things had ended better, but it was never meant to be.
8) Thank you for loving, caring and helping me change.
9) I'm sorry. Really. Very sorry.
10) The smallest. Really.

I'm sure there are a lot more... but it's interesting at this point in my life to look back and think what I would say to people if we still talked or if I had the balls. Some of it is amusing, some of it sad, and some of it... well, it's better not said anyway. Love is complicated. There is almost never a guarantee... and yet we all yearn for it, plunge into it, and plan our lives around it. Most of the people I actually dated in semi-longterm I could see myself evolving with, and then, obviously, at a certain point that changed. But did I change? Or you change? Or we changed? I guess we don't really know, only that when we do find that person, we know we are entangled and will work our asses off just to wake up next to them everyday.

Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

Rat's Nest

2009-05-27T04:24:00.001-07:00

So, many apologies for my slacking updates -- between the holiday weekend, driving to Maryland, and fighting the swine flu, I've been a bit busy.

Ok, ok, so I don't really have the swine flu. But, I do have some godawful junk that has decided to rest itself in my sinus passages/chest. I am going to break down and actually call the doctor... after a week of not being able to breathe, I think it is time.

During this week of ailment I returned to Maryland (yet again) for Big Sister's graduation. It was wonderful! I can not begin to express how proud I am of her. She has had her of obstacles, but worked hard and she did it! I can only hope I will have the same motivation.

Sadly, I have not much else to report from my trip, because I ended up sleeping the whole time. I left early saturday afternoon, and by some miracle managed not to hit any traffic between on my way home... despite driving through VA Beach and the "big race" in Charlotte (I don't really know anything about this...)

I have been equally lazy upon my return, although I did go to work yesterday (and will today). So, last night all I wanted to do was sit on the couch, which I did, while watching Ratatouille. Now, I've already expressed my love of children's books and their relvance in adult life... this also carries over to movies. I especially like Ratatouille because of it unabashed support of following your passions. This isn't really a movie about doing the right thing, this is a movie about doing what makes you happy. While the scenario of a rat cooking is highly improbable, the message is clear and remains the same: Sometimes loving something is reason enough to do it, and following this passion can change your life, as well as those around you. Now, food is not generally considered a life changing subject -- there is no real adveristy to overcome with food, it does not have a troubled past and it has never really sparked heated political controversy (except for maybe this), but food is a part of our every day lives. And maybe, just maybe, if we allow ourselves to indulge and enjoy the food which makes us happy and reminds us of the warmest, dearest times in our childhood, we would all be a little bit happier. Forget detoxing, diets, fads and all that craziness. Good food can change your life, if only for a moment.

Mommy.

2009-05-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was 7 years since the death of my Mommy. This large number, first of all, baffles me. How can I still feel so much loss and pain after 7 years? I am unsure -- but I know I miss her now, just as I missed her then. There are still moments where I decide I'm going to call her, only to realize she's not there. What I do have left are fabulous memories of the comfort, silliness and love provided to me by my wonderful Mother. I also have 2 beautiful sisters, without whom my life would be absolutely incomplete. I mentioned before that this is the first year we weren't all living in the same place -- but we managed, in 3 states and 2 time zones, to remember our mother as together as we could : With a tasty piece of tiramisu, something that my mother loved to eat, and in turn we love and remember her with.

The pictures here are from cell phones, and so the quality is not the greatest, but the fact that despite the distances my sisters and I were able to share our small memoriam with each other offers more comfort than it is possible for me to convey. I miss my sisters all the time -- I feel very fortunate to have them, and love them more than I can possibly express -- but not having them here on a day when I feel so empty is horrible. They are the only other people in the whole world who share the pain and loss of my mother in the same way. Even our father, who I know misses her greatly, mourns differently. My sisters and I , despite being radically different people, are essentially imprints of our parents, and when it comes down it, we are the memories of our mother for eachother. We can reminisce about all the things that happened when we were little, and only we can feel the bittersweet joy that comes from these rememberances. Oh, how lucky we are to have had these beautiful moments, but how tragic to see them all taken away.

I know that as my Big Sister graduates college (the first one of us to do so), it is that same bittersweetness she feels, as I felt when I got married, as Foo felt when she graduated high school, and as I'm sure we have felt and will continue to feel many times over. The excitement of moving forward in life, but the sadness that we are taking one more step away from the past which contains our mother. I know how proud my mom would be of all of us, and how much love she had.

When I visited the cemetery earlier this month, I brought flowers and small card -- despite my love of words and writing -- I was only able to write these, and they are the truest and closest to my heart:

Mommy,
I love you.
I miss you.
I think about you everyday.

Perks...

2009-05-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

I actually haven't read this book in years but, like watching movies that make me cry, I'm drawn to this beautifully depressive book in an inexplicable way. It's fabulous in a slit-your-wrists kind of way, so even though I'd like to re-read it, I think I'll wait until May is over.

It seems to be one of the most honest modern books I've ever read -- perhaps it only seems so honest because I can relate. Either way, if you haven't read "the perks of being a wallflower" you should. Regardless of how it relates to your life. I think everyone could use the thoughtful depressant that is Stephen Chbosky occasionally.

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

Foxy Rant

2009-05-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

Megan Fox.

Now, she is being called the new "Angelina Jolie", yes? She has the sultry look, the "curves" (I'm certain she's still a size 2), and the long cascading hair. Ok. I can get behind that. Except for the fact that she. is. an. idiot. Really. Hub subscribes to Esquire, so I knew that she was on the cover and had made some less than shiny remarks about the lovely Scarlett Johansson. Ok, fine, whatever. While they make her seem vapid and shallow, whatever.

However, she is now on my shit list. I understand that not everyone will agree with my rather liberal views on life. That is fine. I'm totally an "agree to disagree" type of person. However, Ms. Fox is a self-proclaimed bisexual who has now said that, despite her own bisexuality, she thinks bisexual women are dirty. Yes. I'm not making this up. I just don't understand the point of this hypocrisy and perpetuating the bi-phobic mindset of both the straight and gay cultures. (That is not an all inclusive statement, I'm just saying that people across the board have negative opinions of bisexuals).

Now, tell me, Ms. Fox -- who do you expect to date you. I understand you're in a relationship with a man, and that is totally fine. But since you YOURSELF are bisexual, how could you now date a woman? Doesn't that go against your own standards? I just don't understand.

Personally, I think this is mostly for the attention. I'm sure she's been "gaysted" a few times in her day, and I appreciate her willingness to share those experiences with the whole world. However, the fact that she is a self-discriminating hypocrit is slightly infuriating to me.

Ok. /rant.

Nerd Alert.

2009-05-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

First, let me apologize for the lack of substance in my recent updates. My brain is sad, pathetic mush and I can't offer you much more than these obscure updates, for fear of word-vomiting all over my blog and scaring the 5 people who actually do read this away.

This weekend was blah because it was mother's day weekend, but I did manage to keep myself busy. Saturday I went to the Beer, Bourbon and BBQ festival in South Charlotte, and drank a decent amount outside in the blazing sun. Saturday evening Hub and I went to Thomas Street Tavern, which was fabulous. I wore my new fedora, and loved it. I think other people think I'm a bit nuts, but I guess I like it that way.

Sunday I tried to ignore the fact that it was mother's day, other than a text to my sisters. Instead I went and saw Star Trek. Now, I've been pretty excited about this coming out -- when I was younger, my dad used to have the whole family sit down and enjoy episodes of Star Trek together. We mostly watched the Next Generation, but I'm still a fan of the original. Let me just tell you these 2 things: 1) It. Rocked. My. World. Seriously. 2) Whoever wrote the script did it BRILLIANTLY. They managed to "reset" the series so that they can now do whatever they want, with out pissing off fans of the original (although, i'm sure there are some irate fans).

Even if you're NOT a Star Trek fan, but like Sci-Fi (ie, Firefly, Heroes) I recommend just giving this movie a chance. It was stellar.

Live long and Prosper.

Fridayyyy

2009-05-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

Simon Totally used to do that. ADORABLE.

Because it's Friday and my brain is fried. And I think people need to appreciate the adorableness that is the Pug :)

100 Acres

2009-05-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

I'm having an Eeyore kind of month, so I thought I'd pay tribute to my favorite Winnie-the-Pooh character by dedicating this blog to him. First, you can find out his basic information at his wikipedia page -- what a helpful little site, that wikipedia. And now, you may bask in the glow of some of my favorite Eeyore-isms:

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.

If it is a good morning, which I doubt.
(after everyone else has said 'good morning')

End of the road... nothing to do... and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house

Thanks for noticing me.

If you ask me, when a house looks like that, it's time to find another one.

And to close out, a lovely little excerpt that I think embodies why I love Eeyore:

The old gray donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things.
Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

Also, after reading the "Tao of Pooh" I'd certainly recommend any one with an interest in religion, Taoism, Pooh, or all 3 to read it. It's a quick, lovely, thoughtful book.

Tweetle-eetle-eet

2009-05-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a moment to discuss something pressing, that is affecting our everyday lives: Twitter. First is was blogging, then MySpace, then Facebook, and now Twitter has become the latest and greatest pandemic to sweep the nation.
Through the miracle of the "interwebs", which were so graciously bestowed on us by Mr. Gore, following the lives of the people you love (or, maybe, are obsessed with) has become more and more simple. Suzy's on vacation, but you don't know when she'll be back? Check her facebook. Can't remember when Julie's birthday is? MySpace will solve that problem easily enough. I actually think that there is no privacy or anonimity any more -- we all put all of our information out there, and those who would really want to locate us can do so.
I see Twitter as supremely perpetuating this "problem" (It's only a problem if you want it to be). Now, through this glorious program, I can pretend I'm friends with FAMOUS PEOPLE. Really. Liz Feldman? Clementine Ford? Ellen? Pink? Elisha Dushku? We're all totally buds. I'm ashamed to say that I've even tweeted at some of these people. Yes. Yes. I know I'm delusional. And I'm mostly sane. A bit pop culture obessed at times, perhaps, but generally sane. I'm not going to go off and stalk anyone - but this particular medium of "tweeting" is especially stalkerish. As if a few status updates a day on Facebook weren't enough, I may now view pictures of whereever you are (should you choose to post them) or read what ever random thought may run through your head.

Oy, oy people. What is going on? Any way, if you're on twitter and haven't added me... help me feed my addiction add me here!

Wedding

2009-05-04T06:34:00.001-07:00

Ugh, so the wedding this weekend was horribly, miserably boring and I had no fun at all.

Oh, haha, just kidding. That was for Momma Bear and My Lawyer... who I was unable to update on the interesting pieces of my life, because apparently I write too much here. They decided they could decipher my true feelings about this weekend from reading my blog. Which they shall, in fact, be able to do...

First of all, let me say that the wedding was beautiful. Everything about it was lovely, and in my humble opinion, perfect for the Bride and Groom. It was a formal, evening wedding and the Cream, Black and Red theme was classic and gorgeous. And the Bride. Oh. My. God. We were all quite jealous of the Groom -- because she was stunning! And it wasn't the hair, the make up or dress that made her that way (though they were all amazing) it was the radiating smile she couldn't wipe off her face. I am so, so, so happy that she has found her one! :)

Leading up the wedding was equally fun and amazing. The really great thing about the bridesmaids was that we have all known each other since middle school/high school and have all been friends for this period of time. It was relaxing, silly and nostalgic and I think I can safely that we all really enjoyed spending the time together. Seeing all the girls dressed up was a lot of fun, and watching the Bride's kids be coerced into their formal wear was adorable.

The reception was wonderful -- good food, good friends and lots of wedding traditions (the garter toss, first dance, etc). Saw a few people I hadn't seen in a long time and watched the groomsmen get sloshed!

We stayed my Big Sister's house, and were persuaded to go out and get food with them -- however Hub and I were zombies the whole time and after scarfing down pizza at Flavors of Italy proceeded back to Big Sister's and passed out.

Had breakfast with friend in Princess Anne and then continued on the long drive home. Part of me can't believe we made it without crashing the car, because both of us were exhausted, but we did and I was rewarded with fabulous snuggle time from my little pug :)

May.

2009-05-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

And here it is.

May has quietly crept up on me, as it seems to. I try, with no success, to ignore this month. As if I could skip it, I could forget all of the painful moments it brings. For those of you who don't know -- which I assume will be very few -- May is my "Mommy Month". Not only is it the month she died, but it was the month she was born, and the month the whole world chooses to celebrate their mothers, as they should. This is my first May out of state from my sisters. This May marks 7 whole years since I last saw, hugged, kissed, or held my mother.

I am trying to remember the strong, encouraging words I heard Maya Angelou speak just 2 months ago. Her mantra about honoring the everyday women who made you what you are. This is difficult now -- mourning is much easier. And while I do try to exemplify the life lessons my mother taught me, or helped me to learn, sometimes I just need to be sad because when it comes down to it, I don't do it that often. Now, my sisters will tell you that I'm the emotional crying one of the family, and compared to them that is certainly true. However, on the whole, thinking about the loss of my mother is something that is so painful and fresh, even after 7 years, that I don't usually allow myself the time to do so. New friends don't understand the pain, because it's not something I showcase. Those who have been through the ordeal with me know the long, winding road it has taken me to become a functioning, semi-emotionally stable human being. The time I spent running from my family because it hurt too much to be around them, the poor crazy relationship (or lack of) decisions that I made. Shutting people, even my best friend, out until I finally broke down and couldn't take it any more.

When it really comes down to it -- I'm still a mess, and I'm fairly certain I will always be a mess. It's part of who I am. While I may be able to deal with my mother's death better now, it is no less painful than it was 7 years ago. However, I've started to learn how to not let the pain interfere with the wonderful and happy memories I have with my Mommy.

So, here's to May. I'll make it through.

like my father's come to pass / seven years has gone so fast /wake me up when September ends / here comes the rain again/ falling from the stars / drenched in my pain again / becoming who we are / as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost / wake me up when September ends

Green Day

Just Because...

2009-04-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

Because it's Thursday, and sometimes we need a little oomph to make it to Friday.

Rawr! We can do it!

Missing Piece

2009-04-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Ok -- If you have 6 1/2 minutes -- please watch this. Now, I have always loved children's books. I think that some are written to be simple enough for children to grasp, but with a message so big it makes your eyes well up. The Missing Piece meet The Big O is probably close to the top of my list when it comes to life-lesson kids books -- and I found this online yesterday, and it made me cry. Now, I don't expect for it to make everyone cry, but I do expect that it will remind you of certain, simple life facts that may be overlooked in the everyday bustle. Ok, I'm going to stop writing, so you can start watching.

Also, <3 Shel Silverstein. Like whoa.

How I Adore Words...

2009-04-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

So, all the time driving this past weekend gave me an absurd amount of time to think, completely alone. Now, I'm one who likes her alone time any way, I always think better when I'm alone, and writing in silence is usually when I get into my best groove, so one can imagine that giving me 18+ hours alone in a car would result in some creative ideas.

I had a few ideas for some short fiction stories -- something I haven't written in a while. These came late night Friday while crossing the Bay Bridge Tunnel, using the dark, choppy, eerily moonlit waters for inspiration. I had other ideas about turning parts of my life into short stories - fictionalizing them a bit. Then more ideas about art projects I could start. While I can't for the life of me draw or paint, I like to think that I am graphically and creatively minded. Captain added to my enthusiasm with some great ideas about "the crew". I feel that with everything going on in my life, my creative outlets are becoming more important. I find myself singing more than just my usual girlie rock -- pulling out some opera and belting along. I need to get some new strings for the guitar -- I haven't played in such a long time.

One of the ideas I had I'm pretty excited about, and will probably be the one I work on first. It involves books, words, coffee and a little bit of my insanity. I'm not really sure how long it will take me, because I'm not sure exactly how I want to do it, but it should be a short afternoon "craft" type project.

I've also noticed that when I sit down to do my "real" writing, it is coming much easier. I'm not laboring over every word and nuance as much. While I am going back and editing/changing I feel that I'm doing far less of that, and far more of who I am. It's a really good feeling.

Fight Hate

2009-04-28T04:03:00.000-07:00

Please visit the HRC Fight Hate home page to learn about the Matthew Shepard Act, and then send a letter to your senator or congressman. It only takes a few minutes, and the website does most of the work for you. Please take a few moments to help change the lives of those in the GLBT community -- as well as those who are discriminated against because of disability, sex, race, religion -- who will be affected by Hate Crimes. It is easy for some, myself especially, to forget that there are those who are severely discriminated against because of who they are or who they love. "The Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act / Matthew Shepard Act gives the Justice Department the power to investigate and prosecute bias-motivated violence by providing the department with jurisdiction over crimes of violence where the perpetrator has selected the victim because of the person's actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability."

I feel this is something we can all agree on. Fight Hate.

Insanity.

2009-04-27T07:13:00.001-07:00

I have completed the weekend of insanity:
5 cities. 48 hours. 1170 miles.
and I'm actually still alive.

Looking back, I used to do crazy things like this all the time. The many times I went to visit RAR in NC when I lived in MD, the random late night drives to college park and fairfax to visit others. In fact, driving from the Eastern Shore to Baltimore really made me reminisce about all the time I've spent in the DC/Baltimore/Annapolis area.

Considering I've never actually lived in that part of Maryland, I've spent a considerable amount of time there. Driving across the Bay Bridge brings back what feels like millions of memories -- spending the day with my Dad at the naval academy, going into DC with my parents and visiting musuems, visiting my first boyfriend in Annapolis, Thursday all-night bar hops at Power Plant, College Park football games, All night craziness with the boys at college park, DC trips, Dunking my head in the fountain in Dupont Circle, Trips to Apex, Paying people's bridge tolls for them, sitting in hot, sticky summer traffic, Blox's car dying while we were double parked in the middle of Baltimore, blasting my radio and going 80... all these memories rush into one place and make me feel alive. Make me feel like there are parts of my life that were simply fantastic. It is easy for me, especially in most of my literary pursuits, to forget these wonderful times. I focus a lot on the details of the negative, life changing experiences that it is nice to be reminded of the wonderfully enriching details in my life.

This weekend will be added to the arsenal of wonderful moments in my life. The dress fitting went well, and the almost Bride is glowing with excitement for her nuptials next weekend. I actually really like the bridesmaid dress, it makes me feel pretty. I got to see my most adorable goose, and had breakfast with Lao Tung. The trek across the bridge resulted in Craziness with Twenty and Salty, Dinner in Columbia, then me getting a bit tipsy at Bourbon Street. Saw old friend, made new ones, and witnessed craziness at the end of the night.

All in all, great weekend.

Hoo-Ha.

2009-04-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

I am having a bit of a dilemma. For the most part, I have refrained from using people's names in this blog, basically because I feel like it's unfair to put someone's name out there without really having their permission. Also, if as in my wildest dreams, I suddenly become a famous published author I don't wish to expose my friends. But, making up these names for people is putting a lot of pressure on me! For some like Twenty, it was easy -- I just borrowed her blog name! Easy. For others, I have to come up with something. I've mostly defaulted on these -- Hub, Big Sister, Foo Foo (which is already a nickname) -- but now that I'm expanding my group of friends I find myself wanting to write about them, yet avoiding the whole name situation. So, I'm going to try and retell my Wednesday evening using these newly acquired pseudonyms.

Wednesday night was Italian night in the Dreamer household. I invited some of my new girlfriends over for manicotti and cocktails (or juice, you know, whatever). Through the course of the meal the conversation came around to Horoscopes, as it often has when I've hung out with Captain. The first time I was at her place I discovered an astrology book. Now I'm not much into the astrology thing, really, but have been intrigued because quite a bit of it seems to be spot on. I don't mean on a daily basis, but just in the broader spectrum of things. Red and Carolina also seemed to be pretty up on their astrology, so I was the doofus pulling out the laptop to look things up. First of all, did you know that each sign has a body part associated with it? You didn't? Well, fancy that, neither did I. Seeing as how I'm the lovely capricorn (although I'm on the cusp -- I didn't know that either) I'm the knees. The knees, people. If that isn't asking for a bad innuendo, I don't know what is. Anyway, after spending an absurd amount of time trying to figure out what these body parts meant, I essentially gave up and just became the soothsayer for everyone. I searched various websites to look up our personalities -- Captain and Carolina are Aquarius, Hub is a scorpio, Red is a Taurus and I'm a capricorn. Interestingly enough for the most part these horoscopes fit personalities -- Mine was a little weird, but once we figured out that I was a cusp I proceeded to research that, I feel like I fit the Saggitarius-Capricorn cusp one quite well.

After we giggled a bit about body parts some more (apparently Scorpio is the gentials. C'mon, you know that's funny) We moved onto relationship compatiblities. This part was tricky. When everything else has been spot on, it's a bit disconcerting to read who you are and aren't compatable with. Interestingly enough, I've actually dated mostly the signs I'm compatible with, and the same was true for pretty much everyone.

Ok, now I'm not saying I'm buying into this Hoo-Ha. But if the stars are good enough for the centaurs, they might be good enough for me.

Introspection

2009-04-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

When you know someone intimately, reading them is like second nature. You understand the words behind each sigh, each movement. You can tell the difference between a breath exhaled in frustration, in pain, or in need of calm. It’s a comfortable kind of security -- knowing someone this well. There is almost little need for actual words -- one gesture will inform the other person of your desire, whether it be a drink, a blanket or a kiss. The problem with this comfort is you can begin to lose yourself in it. You become comfortable with the routine of your partners signals, and so settle in this. Talking becomes more infrequent and you communicate largely through body language. It is easy to loose yourself in this… and while a relationship made up of entirely serious, soul-searching conversations would be exhausting the opposite is also true. You may become exhausted by the simplicity of your relationship. How do you tell this partner, whom you love, adore, and can read better than anyone in the entire world that you actually feel that you don’t know them. It is one thing to read these small nuances -- understand the crossed arms, the slumping posture -- but you don’t understand their real desires. Is it possible to become so comfortable and familiar that we are exactly the opposite? Humans have been evolvers since the beginning of time -- what’s to say that we stop evolving the moment we find one of these comfortable situations? While knowing how someone drinks their coffee (black or with lots of cream) can be most convenient and comfortable, knowing someone’s goals and aspirations is a far more tender piece of familiarity. When you first meet this person, it’s all excitement. You discuss your current aspirations, goals, desires, past miseries and heartbreaks. In those moments, you realize the things that will lead to you becoming numbingly comfortable. It is important for you to always come back to that place of excitement and discovery, because after the weeks, months or years that it has taken you to become sedentary both parties will have changed, and while major goals may remain the same, the way these goals are approached or viewed or motivated may have under gone a drastic overhaul. Just because you are comfortable in the everyday moments, does not mean you need to ignore or lose the excitement which guided us to this place of ease.

In the Membrane.

2009-04-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

I am slowly losing my mind. Seriously. And part of this mind-loss is resulting in the incredibly ridiculous decision to drive to Maryland for the weekend. Yes. Just the weekend. Now, this is a 1000 mile trip all on its own, but then throw in the fact that not only am I driving to Maryland to have my final fitting for KC's wedding on the eastern shore, I am then driving up to Columbia/Baltimore/Owings Mills to hang out with my friends. Adding approximately another 200 miles onto my trip -- in the wrong direction.

What could be even more insane is that I'm excited. Very excited. I'm going to see a good number of people, some whom I haven't seen in quite a while. While I had originally just planned to stay on the good ol' redneck Eastern Shore, I found that one of my friends from college would be in Baltimore -- Where as she usually is in NY (Upstate) I thought I would take this chance at us being in the same state to go get drunk and dance with her and many other wonderful people.

So, I will be tweeting my progress should anyone want to follow along. And yes, tweeting is now a verb, just like texting and blogging.

Susan Boyle

2009-04-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who sees all the hype about Susan Boyle as a backhanded compliment?

Don't get me wrong -- I loved her song. She did a great job, and I think she has a brilliant voice. But, I guess I wasn't as shocked as everyone else was. I didn't know that looks = talent... in fact, I've never really been on that train. We can have hotty-mchotpants like Britney Spears who obviously have no talent, and are simply manufactured, socially acceptable pornless porn-stars. (ok, she might not be so pornless)

She has been called everything from Ugly to Homely to a real life shrek. WHAT?! Ok, now I realize this woman is not winning any modern beauty contests but HONESTLY. Are we really this shallow? Really?

Labelmaking...

2009-04-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

My apologies to my friends who have already had to listen to me rant on the subject.

I almost feel as though I am beginning a very, very bad Jerry Seinfield segment. "What's the big idea with labels?!" (You must always have a question mark and an exclamation point for Jerry Seinfeld. It's just how he speaks.)
This seems to be a prevalent theme in my life as of lately. Everyone always asking questions, wanting you to define certain aspects of yourself. Democrat, Republican, Christian, Atheist, Gay, Straight, Femme, Butch, Masculine. Blah, blah, blah is what I say to you. I realize how very mature I am, thank you for noticing.
I just don't understand the need for everyone to fit into a certain category. It makes me people nervous when you refuse to label yourself, and when it comes down to it, they will happily apply whatever label they want. Heartily and without your consent.
While this applies to my situation currently (which I shall not be divulging the specifics 0f) I think it happens on a much broader spectrum. People from mixed backgrounds are often questioned on how they identify (White? Black? Hispanic?) and people of certain beliefs are so quick to classify "You don't agree with me? You must be a heathen"

Seriously people, I don't get what the big idea is. If you're happy, safe and healthy who really cares what category you fit into?!

Mother,

2009-04-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I lied about updating yesterday, but I'm finally getting there.

Yesterday actually turned out to be the day of my now deceased Great Uncle's memorial service. My dad came down from Maryland for it, and as I live in the area I also attended the service. It is not that I am not saddened by his death, but I did not know him well. I have no cheerful, childhood memories to mourn, mostly just stories from others.

What did make me sad is the time that I spent with my Dad while he was here -- not sad in a miserable way, but sad in a "iwishmytimewithhimwerealwayslikethis" kind of way. He actually told stories and talked about my mom, something he almost never does in front of his now wife. Selfishly whenever someone else dies I always miss my mom a little bit more, possibly because she is not there to mourn with, and possibly because funerals always remind me of her death. While this funeral bore no resemblance to my mothers, and the words spoken did not invoke my mother at all, I associate the somber and uncalculated greif of others with my own. But telling stories with my dad about my mom, and seeing that there is pain, loss and sadness in him is actually a bit comforting. I almost never see this part of him. He loved my mother very, very much and I am now begininng to understand that even though he has remarried he has not moved on from her, he is simply attempting (albeit poorly) to fill the void where my mother used to be.

Zombie

2009-04-12T15:09:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, folks. Between family deaths and holidays I don't celebrate, I've been a bit busy.
I promise to do an actual update tomorrow.
For now... Happy Easter/Zombie Jesus Day!

Woof.

2009-04-08T06:11:00.000-07:00

Oh, the dog. Woman's best friend, or something like that.
As much as I love my smushy faced little boy, I rarely ever talk about him... he just a part of my daily routine -- from the morning kisses when the alarm goes off (these kisses mean 'mommy, food?'), to the joyful bouncing when I arrive home after a long day (these bounces mean 'mommy, food?') he always makes my day better... even when he knocks over a large cup of red juice all over my white rug. He is my constant snuggle bug, activity partner, and receiver of the ever-popular belly rubs.
I am bringing him up today because I think he deserves it. Now, I know that might seem crazy... and I probably seem like a lunatic for blogging about my dog... but he is one of the very best things in my whole life. Those who have dogs will (hopefully) understand what I mean. While I think cats are nice, there is nothing comparable to the love of a dog and, despite what those cat people saying about not having to work for affection from dogs, I work very hard so that Simon is happy, healthy, and safe. He is a constant companion who never complains when I am grumpy, but instead offers his little puggy-kisses as a reminder that he is there to love me.

"My little dog -- a heartbeat at my feet." ~ Edith Wharton

And now for something...

2009-04-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

Completely different.

I believe I've only ever posted one other poem. This is something I just wrote, and I thought I'd share it.

I am an enigma.
Undecipherable.
Uncalculated and
Unreadable.

I am an open book,
Heart on my sleeve
Crying in the night
With desperation.

Two halves
Have not equaled
My hole.
Still empty.

Pineapple Weekend

2009-04-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

Well, this was quite a busy weekend, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I was, in fact, so busy that I am having trouble recalling everything I did. Aside from the massive amount of texting and picture receiving I did with Twenty (I was living vicariously through her Dinah Shore experience) I can barely remember what it was I did Friday evening. I believe it was boring things like grocery shopping, oh, and watching Pineapple Express which proved to be not nearly as entertaining as I had hoped, but an adequate stoner film nonetheless.
Saturday consisted of spending time with some newly acquired friends... eating fabulous Sushi, hitting up the local Art Museum and searching for some fabulous vintage clothes, which we easily found at Hong Kong Vintage (see my fabulous pineapple skirt?). The entire reason for frequenting the Mint Museum was to check out their exhibit on Haute Couture fashions. It turned out to be much smaller of an exhibit than I had hoped, but the clothes and accessories were beautiful (minus a few from the 80s) and well displayed. I was actually quite thrilled that there was an exhibit from the New Orleans Museum of Art which contained a large amount of French pieces.
The vintage hunt went extremley well, even though Hong Kong ended up being our only stop. The store is small, but well stocked. The prices were super reasonable, and I fully intend on making a stop in again soon. The neighborhood that the store is housed in is also quite adorable. Lots of funky, small shops. Charlotte continues to surprise me with the cooky nooks of neighbor hoods that are out there to be discovered.
Saturday evening Hub and I visited some friends who had just moved into their brand new house. They seemed very happy, and I am very happy for them! Simon enjoyed the time, as he and KC ran around like the crazy dogs they are.
After this visit, I was persuaded to join my new friends ("The Crew" haha) for a late night get together, where I in turn persuaded them to visit my favorite place in Charlotte, Amalie's. Fabulous as always.
Sunday consisted of acting like an adult most of the day... trying to clean, taking a nap, and a visit to Ikea.
Despite my busy schedule this weekend many big things happened. I suppose these things are the reason I am attempting to keep so busy. Large changes are afoot, my friends, and when the time is right I'm sure I'll clue you in a bit.
Until then...

Internet Friends (2)

2009-04-04T08:09:00.000-07:00

It is now time for another addition of people who I stalk... I mean, follow via the interwebs. Today's contender comes to you from the NPR radio progam "This American Life" a show which I have come to adore, mostly due to the captivating and adorably dorky host Ira Glass.
Most of my friends would be able to tell you that I am normally not an advocate of talk radio. That is really an understatement. Generally speaking I can't stand listening to anyone read or tell stories to me -- I don't know what it is. Even as a child I was always scolded by my teachers for not following along with the rest of the class while we were doing readings. I almost always got frustrated with the reader and moved ahead at my own pace (to this day, I read uncommonly fast). It is, I suppose, because of this that I have never really found my niche with talk radio... until Ira. This American life is show about... well, everything. I have not found a taboo topic, and the stories are always insightful, portrayed in truth, while sometimes being tender or hilarious. Ira lends to these traits with his quirky comments and obvious desire for great journalism. While he does not narrate all the stories, he seems to position the listener just so, ensuring that no morsel of the segment will remain un-devoured by the audience.
All of the shows are on the website, available for free as podcasts, or are may be downloaded for $0.99 a show.
Support my dorky, intellectual and fabulous friend! (Well, you know... internet friend)

Some of my favorites can be found here:
I like the first part of this one -- after that it does get a bit creepy.
Featuring Mike Birbiglia

This one was particularly interesting to me.
A story about testosterone, the how much and some of the why.

An incredibly moving story about a Muslim family, post-9/11
I really cried. So, beware.

Those are just a few, folks, and I really encourage you to check some out. You won't be disappointed!

Love.

2009-04-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

Check this out! Way to go for the midwest... perhaps the rest of the country will figure it out, even with out California leading the way.

I have to say, honestly, I'm a bit surprised, but very happy! :)

No Doubt.

2009-04-03T05:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend, one of my friends mentioned to me the she able to get $15 lawn tickets to see No Doubt. This is big, exciting news, and I almost immediately went to purchase my ticket. I have loved No Doubt since I was able to make educated music choices. Tragic Kingdom -- the whole album -- helped define my youth. I'm not kidding. Plus, Gwen Stefani is smokin' hot and used to wear a bindi on her forehead.
A thought then occurred to me... why are these tickets only $15? According to Wikipedia (which is the be all, end all source) No Doubt has not had a "mainstream" album since the 90s. Can this be true? I suppose it is, however it seems completely bizarre to me that this band, who I worshiped, is becoming obsolete. They are moving into an older generation of music. How could this possibly happen? Now, don't get me wrong -- I have always loved old music. I was raised to love old music. As a kid I never wanted to know what the top 40 songs of the moment were, I instead prided myself on knowing lyrics to bands such as The Beatles, Peter, Paul and Mary... even John Denver. It is just a bizarre feeling to know that a band who had so much influence in my life is now becoming... old? I'm not quite sure what the right word would be, but it's just a weird feeling.
None of this, however, deters my excitement! Super stoked.

Grapefruit.

2009-04-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

I've been on this weird grapefruit kick recently -- I don't know if other people go through food phases, but I have a constant cycle of different cravings. I could love a food this week, and not even be able to look at it next week. I have serious texture issues, and if I think about anything too much, I can't eat it. I'm sure it's some type of OCD behavior... but I usually get all the nutrition I need, so I'm not too worried. Anyway, the last few weeks have been grapefruits, which are a seriously under-loved fruit. Everyone says they are too sour, however I think they are sweet, juicy and wonderful. Oblate in shape, they are like heavy, edible, slightly mal-formed softballs. They make my stomach happy, and for some unknown reason put me in a good mood. Maybe it is because I get to use the word oblate when speaking about them. I don't know.
I realize it is very strange for me to dedicate an entry to grapefruit, but it is more because I really have a love of food. Aside from the obvious nutritional needs, I see food as an entry way. A way to make to friends, to comfort others or yourself, a way to explore culture. Food can be fun, filling, and occasionally sexy. Food speaks volumes -- have you ever baked a friend cookies, or made someone a meal? Generally (unless it is yet another casserole) people are thrilled to receive food... whether it be offered in condolence, congratulations, or just because. Cooking for large groups of people is something I really miss. There is almost no better feeling than having friends and family gather, talking voraciously, drinking freely and bonding over something that I spent time preparing just for them.
I'm off to indulge in my fruit-of-the-week. You should do the same.

Compare

2009-03-31T06:20:00.001-07:00

"You sound so much like your mother!"

These are words that I am used to hearing, especially coming from my dad. I am constantly reminded of how much I look like her, sound like her, and even sing like her. It doesn't really bother me as much as it used to, and I couldn't even explain why it would. I love my mother more than I have loved any person on the planet, and I miss her every single day. I think sometimes it is hard to know that I am a reminder to my dad, a reminder of all the things he lost when my mom died.

I heard this particular phrase from him on Saturday; We had lunch before he left town, and were discussing my aspirations for school. I expressed my frustration at having to take classes that I felt were worthless, and how I felt that regardless of the degree I held my intelligence wouldn't change. I mean this in a completely non-obnoxious way, but I am a very smart person. I think people often under estimate just exactly how smart I am (which I am thankful for most of the time, I like to fly under the radar) but occasionally I would like people to acknowledge it. He said that my mom often felt the same way, and that he thought she never actually gave herself credit for how smart she was -- another thing that I have apparently inherited.

I've decided that my earlier post about Foo Foo is all I'm really going to say on the subject -- it's a very personal one, and everything had a greater impact than I expected it would. I'll just say that I had a fantastic time hanging out with my sisters, and getting pedicures where people make really pretty little designs on my toes.

Foo

2009-03-29T06:47:00.000-07:00

f
These last few days have been a roller coaster of emotion. As Foo Foo says "You got all the crying genes in the family". And I did. And I utilized them quite frequently over the last few days. It's what I do.
Despite my best efforts, I was not fully prepared for visiting my little sister on the base that she spent eleven weeks being turned into a Soldier, becoming "Army Strong". I was not prepared for the formations of youth in unflattering fatigues, or the Army Motto that they would loudly recite, putting themselves on the bottom of their lists. Country and Fellow Comrades win everything. I was unprepared for the deceleration that these soldiers, these sisters/daughters/brothers/mothers/lovers, would in any situation destroy their enemy. Regardless of the fact that I have known my little sister is in the military, I believe I failed to grasped what it meant. She signed a contract that she would sacrifice her life for her country... that she would follow orders of combat when necessary. Now, Foo Foo's job shouldn't put her in combat situations, but it is the thought of this person who I have known always, my sister who has been an avid pageant participator, is now capable and trained to defend herself and her brothers and sisters in the military. Wow.
Ok, before I get too depressing on the situation I will also state how immensely PROUD I am of her dedication. Completing basic training is no small feat, and the responsibility and loyalty that she is showing is amazing. Regardless of how I feel about what battles we as a country are fighting, I am proud that my little sister, and all the other brave soldier out there, are choosing to protect and serve their country, and the rights of those in the country. (I'm fairly certain I've never made such a patriotic statement...)
Alright, I'm closing out before I get too weepy again... I'll give a more detailed description of the craziness and pedicure time that I spent with my sisters when my crying genes are under control!

Foo Foo!!!

2009-03-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am super, duper, schmooper excited about Friday. Why? I get to see my Foo Foo! For those of you who don't already know, Foo Foo is my little sister who recently joined the Army. Friday is her graduation from Basic, and so I will be getting to see her and spend some time with her. Because of this joyous occasion Big Sister, my Dad and Foo Foo's "friend" are coming to my place. While my townhouse is really not ready for the company, I don't care... because I get to see my Foo Foo! She has bee in Fort Jackson, SC -- which is killer because it is less than an hour and a half drive from my place! So, knowing she's right here, but not being able to see her has really sucked. Sadly, we only get Friday with her, as Saturday she is off to Texas to begin her AIT (job training). I am very proud of my little sister for what she is doing, even though I maintain that she is much too gorgeous for the military.

Survivor?

2009-03-23T09:25:00.000-07:00

Just a warning to those who read this blog -- I am not usually so serious, nor quite so personal. If you have questions, please ask. If I can in any way lend support to someone, I would be more than happy to. I am putting this out there as my way of challenging myself to open up, to become a better writer, and to move towards my goal of writing a personal, heartfelt book.

The role of a writer is not say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
-Anais Nin

In life there are many moments which define who we are, who we will become. It is impossible to know just when these moments will occur, as they usually do so with little-to-no fan fare. A casual run in with a stranger may become the making of your life long partner. A simple statement, offered in truth, maybe become the breaking of a long friendship. No one is able to know or calculate just when these moments will happen, or whether or not they should be taken note of.

These thoughts have come to mind recently when trying to categorize the terms "victim" and "survivor". With the recent media coverage of the "alleged" abuse of a certain celebrity, these terms have been slung all over the place. I believe that in our lives at some point we are both of these things -- but what qualifies the difference, and how do we recognize what we are in which moments. Is it our reactions, the way in which the situation is being described, the intensity to which one is violated? At what point does one become a victim, or a survivor, and how do you know that you have gotten there? As someone who has had the misfortune of experiencing verbal, sexual and physical abuse in my life, I would not classify myself as a victim. I suppose at some point, someone did. Especially when it came the the sexual abuse -- I was much younger and it took me many years to not only stand up for myself but to come to terms with all that had happened. When it came the physical abuse, I left. I have never considered myself a victim in that situation, but others may certainly have a different point of view.

I suppose I am just trying to reconcile these two things, as they seem to have significantly different meanings. The way I see it, this is what image these two terms perpetuate:

Victim - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by simply staying in the situation. The person would take little to no action to remove themselves.
(out of personal interest the random house dictionary defines victim as - a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance*, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency)

Survivor - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by rectifying the situation, rising above it, and turning the negative energy created into a positive life force.
(Again -- 1. a person or thing that survives
2. a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks ** See end of blog)

Now these are not necessarily my opinions, just how I perceive that these two categories are portrayed. In reality I think most people who experience abuse are some where in the middle. No one, no matter what it is they have overcome, can display the survivor mentality 100 percent of the time. We all have breakdowns. Even now, almost 14 years later, I am still occasionally haunted by the sexual abuse I experienced. This is in spite of years of drugs and therapy, along with the best support system anyone could ask for. I feel that I in no way define myself, my life by these acts, in fact many of you may feel uncomfortable or surprised at reading this. I've done what I can to conceal these facts from most people, however at this point there is no reason to continue to do so. In my wildest dreams, if what I have to say could help one person, I would put it all out there. This is the start of me breaking down the wall, the persona, that I have spent a long time building.

Ok, I'm getting a little off track here.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I don't think anyone, in any situation, should allow themselves to be defined by the terms or labels that people/a person/society/whomever choose to use in reference to them. While I may be "an abused/victim/survivor" that is simply one instance of an entire person. I am also "a lover", "a learner", "stubborn", "a writer", "a comic", "a friend", "a sister", "a daughter", and so on. When looking at a snap shot of someone's (possibly your own) life, it is easy to only consider only the position of victim/survivor. Remember the other beautiful and wonderful facets of yourself, or those around you. The weight put on the labels may just be the weight that is keeping you down.

* I think this is an important point -- it is easy to allow ourselves to be deceived, certainly in cases of verbal abuse -- words are only words, right? It is the ignorance that we allow ourselves, as well as the ignorance of the abuser, that makes it ok for us to stay in these relationships -- our ignorance is our rationality. *

** I find these two definitions to be unique. The first merely means you continue to live. The second qualifies as continuing to function or prosper. I felt these were notably different -- there is an enormous difference between simply being alive and actually living. **

Weekend.

2009-03-23T05:46:00.000-07:00

Haven't really had the time to sit down and do a good update recently... I feel like they have mostly been random streams of consciousness, with no purpose to them. I will try to rectify this at some point, but this morning will probably just be more babbling.

It was a jam-packed weekend, Big Sister left Saturday and another friend showed up shortly after. Spent Saturday at the Ophthalmologist getting new contacts, glasses and allergy eye drops, and spent that evening continuing my weekend-o-food and playing Rock Band.

Yesterday was very nice -- took a long nap and went for a hike with new friends and had sushi. I also procured some new reading material -- The Tao of Pooh and The War of Art (which is a suggestion I swiped from a fellow blogger)

Again -- haven't really been in the updating mood -- maybe later i'll feel up to it.

Coffee Tiramisu Parfait with Chocolate Raspberry Sauce - Pham Fatale

2009-03-22T07:02:00.001-07:00

Coffee Tiramisu Parfait with Chocolate Raspberry Sauce - Pham Fatale

Posted using ShareThis

Food, Food.

2009-03-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

Apparently Big Sister visiting means I should be prepared for a weight gain.

After the corned beef dinner, she and I decided we were going to get a glass of wine at a Wine Shop that is nearby. We ended up also getting dessert. Wow. What a dessert it was... Flourless Chocolate Cake and Bag of Doughnuts (which only made me think of Joey Bagadoughnuts - Birbigs!). These delicacies, if they may be called, were paired with a lovely little dessert wine. After stuffing our faces and imbibing I felt exhausted and enormous, and so headed home for some sleep.

Today I met up with Big Sister for lunch -- at The Cheesecake Factory. If you have not had the fortune of dining in this fine establishment, you should go out of your way to do so. I am not usually a proponent of chains; may this be the exception to the rule. They have every type of food you could imagine, plus they have the 2nd best cheesecake I've ever had. (The 1st honor goes to Ms. Topper) After gorging my self on chowder and pizza, I managed to scarf down half a piece of banana cream cheesecake. Yea. Wow.

So basically, I feel like a fat ass, especially since I've been eating so well the last few months. I suppose a splurge every now and then is alright.

I would also like to say that I love my job -- I am currently sitting next to my Boss (who is also on her laptop) drinking a beer. At work. Seriously. She's drinking one too.

Family, Beef and Vespas

2009-03-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

I'll get to the picture in a moment... for now I'd like to update you on life events.
First off Hub is scheduled for surgery for April 1st -- they are going to remove the gall bladder and take a liver biopsy to make sure that there is nothing underlying going on, since his appendix just quit on him, and his bilirubin levels have been high since before that happened. He's got to be on a low fat, low spice diet till that happens, and he is not too happy about it, although I think it really hasn't affected his diet as much as he thinks it has. Whew.
My Big Sister is here!!!! YAY! She's on her spring break and so decided to load up her Beagle and visit :) Which is really nice because she's coming back down this way next week for our little sisters Army boot camp graduation! Oh, Sisters. How you enrich my life. Anyway, she's here till Saturdayish, and we're going to go out tomorrow night and have sisterly fun. I'm also making corned beef at her request (she called me the other day to ask if you could make corned shrimp -- I guess you could), which the Hub can't eat because of that whole low fat diet thing. I decided to just be irish about it and make cabbage and mashed potatoes as well -- so I'm looking forward to all that.

Ok. The Vespa. I don't know a lot about them, really, other than they are awesome and get kickin' gas mileage, but I've decided I want one. For real. I doubt this will happen anytime in the near future, but I know I want one that can go at least 60, and other than that I don't know enough to have requirements. I like the paint job on this one (it was a special edition Gap/Vespa collaboration for the holidays) and would generally like to find a quirky looking one.

I don't care what you say, I think they are awesome.

Oh, and that...

2009-03-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

While driving earlier today I had the radio on, as I often do, and a song caught my attention. Now, it is not a particularly musically memorable song, kind of your typical power ballad, but I really liked the lyrics, and felt that they were extremely relatable. So, I looked them up. Much to my surprise (and I'll admit, embarrassment) the song is written by Jessi Alexander and Jon Mabe, but sung by.... Miley Cyrus. No, I'm not joking.
Anyway, I liked the song and the lyrics enough to post some of them here... if you'd like to

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

The video -- in case you're interested. This also apparently goes with a movie she just put out.

Oh?

2009-03-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Reasons I know I must be getting older, or leaner to act my age:

1) I didn't know that it was St. Patrick day today.
2) Now that I do know, I don't care
3) Hearing about all the crazy green-beer parties just makes me want to go to sleep.

Rant.

2009-03-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Whoa! Sorry for the brief disappearance... I was out of town for the weekend, and then everything exploded, which is often a hindrance to blog writing.

I don't even know where to start, but I guess I'll tell you about the enjoyable part of my weekend first...

Hub and I ended up going to Atlanta (I say Atlanta, but it's actually a suburb, Woodstock) for the weekend. We left with the pug Saturday morning to hang out with some friends. Did the usual, awesome, relaxing and entertaining things while there. Got CiCi's. Sat and talked for hours with Mimo and Bob. The boys came over and we played balderdash.

Sunday morning we went to J. Christopher's for brunch, and as always it was delicious. Afterwords we played a card game called squidge, that I am TERRIBLE at, but that is lots of fun. Okay, I realize all of this seems mundane, and while it might be, it was exceptionally fantastic for me. I love these people a whole lot, and it always makes my life better to see them. Besides, the next part is so far from mundane, I needed the comparison.

The Hub and I decide the head out around 3:30, after visiting the boys place, and this exit time should have put us home around 7. We did not, in fact, arrive home until almost 5:30 the next morning. The events are as follows:

- Stop to get food, I am hungry.
- Oh, Sonic, how we have a love/hate relationship with you
- Hub orders Bacon Cheeseburger, I order French Toast sticks
- 20 min later, Hub has "indegestion"
- 10 minutes later I am running into a waffle house off 85 asking for the nearest hosptial, because Hub is on knees in pain in back seat of car
- 15 min. later arrive at the worst hospital in the history of hospitals
- Hub is actually taken to a room fairly quickly.
- 3 hours later, Hub gets pain medicine. At this point NO ONE has introduced themselves, washed hands or been pleasant in any way.
- 1 hour later, blood work is done.
- 2 hours after that, Hub finally gets ultrasound of gallbladder and kidneys. Still, no introductions, no one has informed us of anything (ie, bloodwork results) and my call bell ringing has been ignored.
- We are informed it would be about 45 minutes for the results of the ultrasounds.
- 2 hours later, we are moved to another room because they are shutting down the wing. Still no ultrasound results.
- 1 hour later, we are informed that Hub does in fact have gall stones. And that we can go home.
-2 1/2 hours of a rainy/foggy/exhausted drive later, come home and collapse.

REALLY PEOPLE?! 9 freaking hours for bloodwork and an ultrasound?! It's fine if we had to wait. I understand that Hub was not dying or anything. However, the HIPAA and Joint Commission violations that I observed while there were completely unacceptable and the fact that NO ONE was pleasant the entire time we were there is just ridiculous. Hub had his appendix out only 4 months ago, and we spent about 7 hours in the ER before finally figuring out what was going on, and that was totally fine, because everyone was pleasant. I didn't feel angry or irritated. People apologized for the delays, and generally tried to make sure that Hub was comfortable, and even went so far as to extend that hospitality to me. I am appalled that this place is not only up and running, but they are actually Joint Commission certified. Me and my pissy self are working on a letter to send the hosptial administrator, as well as Joint Commission.
Take that, assholes.

Alright, long rant, but I am STILL thouroughly traumatized by the experience, and am only thankful there wasn't something more wrong with Hub. He is meeting with a surgeon this morning, and will most likely be having his gall bladder out within the next few weeks.

OY.

Truer Words...

2009-03-12T06:33:00.001-07:00

One of the frustrating things about writing is that I will have the best ideas when I am not in a position to write something down, and then I'll forget about it later. Sometimes I feel like these nuggets that get away from me are the very reason why I get stuck. If I could just hang on to these tidbits my writing would be increasingly more productive, although this could just be lie I'm telling myself to make up for the fact that I have been sucking at writing anything decent lately. Just this morning I had a thought and managed to get it on my notepad in my cell phone -- prompting me to consider the need for a tape recorder, however lame that may be. It's much faster and more convenient to speak the words, even if it is only a thought or a fragment, then it is to carry around the essentials for writing.

As anyone who is a writer knows, you can't force yourself to write well, and once you try it's all over. Inspiration comes at 2am when the rest of the world is sleeping, or in moments that others view as difficult or ugly, but we as writers view as inspiring and true. That is what kind of writer I feel that I am (or that I want to be) -- a truth writer. And not to say that everything I write is real, but I want there to be an element that people can read and think "I know exactly how that feels". I want to capture the moments that seem mundane and make them memorable. I want to help people realize the intricacy of everyday life, the beauty that emerges from the pain and the depths to which they themselves are capable of discovering.

Internet Friends

2009-03-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

It has recently come to my attention that there are tons of people that I check up on daily who I only know by means of the interwebs. I have a strong, unhealthy obsession with being online, and follow way more blogs/comics/vlogs than is probably really normal for a sane person. So, I've decided that when the mood should strike me I'll be be posting "People I am Friends with (only on the internet, not IRL, but if they wanted to be my friend I totally would be)". Yes, the title needs some work. I'll get there. I will be begining this segment with the person who is probably my most favorite... Liz Feldman. She currently has a vlog on afterellen.com in which she acts completely adorable and interviews other people I would also like to meet. After doing a little bit of research I found that I have actually been a fan of hers for about 15 years -- I just didn't know it at the time. You see, she was a writer on All That, a show that I am not ashamed to say I watched avidly as a pre teen. (C'mon, you know you did, too) I mean, we all remember Lori Beth, right? Oh, Nickolodeon. I digress.

Aside from All That, she has written for the Ellen Degeneres show which I love, love, love. She does stand up comedy, and is just basically awesome. So, she now does this Vlog for AfterEllen called "This Just Out with Liz Feldman" and I can't stop watching it! She bascially drinks alcohol and talks about whatever the hell she feels like. She has incredibly endearing facial expressions, and always giggles at her own jokes. Plus, she wears an amazing blazer. ::Swoon:: She has hillarious interactions with her celebrity (or celesbian, as she says) guests, often carrying out ridiculous jokes in which she only refers them as a character, or ends up with 7 minutes in heavan behind a curtain. One of her friends, Raimy, always makes an appearance and enlightens watchers with current and hip music choices. Overall, I think she is absolutely adorable and would like to make the proclomation that she is, in fact, my friend. Even if it's just online.

Strength.

2009-03-10T18:47:00.001-07:00

I can write my way through anything.
Hopefully.

Social Contract

2009-03-10T06:40:00.000-07:00

One of the only TV shows I have managed to stay loyal to for several years has been House, MD. I like this show for many reasons, the most recent being the addition of Olivia Wilde to the cast (when will she get rid of Foreman?!). I think that a lot of the episodes make good social points, and I love House's surly demeanor.

Last nights episode was no exception to this rule, and really made me examine what it is I like most about House (both the character and the show). In this episode a man has frontal lobe disinhibition (Similar to Phineas Gage) and goes from being a mild mannered, loving husband and father to... well... House. It really explored (as much as one can in an hour) the ways that people censor or inhibit themselves to remain socially acceptable. The episode was, appropriately, called Social Contracts. Apart from the governmental meanings of this phrase, it is interesting to consider how this applies in everyday life. What kind of contracts do we make with our employers, our friends, our families? If we have thoughts, but hide them, what kind of person are we -- the person we pretend to be, or the person on the inside? This then comes down to who decides what is socially acceptable, your relationships with people, etc.

For instance, I definitely censor myself at work. I don't think my personal views on religion, politics, abortion or gay marriage have any pertinence to my job. This means that my employer could think that I am an entirely different person than I actually am. I still think and feel the same way I always do, I just supress my usually vocal stances on certain topics.

With friends it definitely comes down to how long I've known you, or what kind of situation we meet in. Whenever I meet Twenty's friends they always get a huge dose of what I am actually like, because I know her so well and have no inhibitions around her. On the other hand if I am meeting a stranger for the first time at Yoga or at a bar I'll present myself in a more subdued manner.

I'm not really going anywhere specific with this, I just thought it was an interesting show that sparked some interesting thoughts. I feel that in the coming days I will pay closer attention to my interactions with people and when I do feel the need to make myself more "socially acceptable".

Fin.

2009-03-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

May I just say that this was a fantastic weekend? I spent the entire weekend getting to visit with friends I've known forever, and made some new friends as well. I must reiterate the fabulousness that was Maya Angelou, I honestly feel like her talk was on the life changing level - just a shot of encouragement, wisdom and respect.

After the lazy, lazy afternoon on Saturday (where we watched Clueless. Really.) everyone prepared to go out. Jizzy attacked my eyebrows at my request, and might I say, she should be a professional. At the amazement of the only male in attendance, all 4 women were ready to go on time. EARLY, even. I know, it must have been a miracle. Ryan's Daughter was pretty cool and Jizzy had a birthday cake and balloons ready for Twenty, which was a fabulous. One of my favorite people on the entire planet was there and we spent most of dinner talking and catching up on things, and him mocking my snort. or telling me it was endearing. or something.

Brewer's was packed (as usual, i am told) and so I managed to procure a couple souveniors. Quite legally, I assure you! Then, the gaggle of increasingly drunk birthday celebrators moved on to Central. Twenty proceeded to become sloshed, as she should, and I ended the night only a bit tipsy, although I almost fell flat on my face in front of several policemen thanks to my inability to walk properly. The car ride back generated several interesting conversations, which shall not be posted here for the protection of everyone involved, and ended in the dissapointment of closed fast food joints.

I, reluctantly, left early on Sunday. After grabbing breakfast with RAR I drove the long drive from Glen Burnie (where'd I'd left my car) to Charlotte. Now, I don't know if any of you are drivers, but I am. I mean, really love driving. People are always appalled at the distances I'll drive instead of getting plane ticket, but I adore the feeling of cruising with the music on... having time on my own with my thoughts. I also find that going on long car rides with people will almost always end in you knowing a considerable amount more about the person than you could learn in years of friendship. Anyway, the weather was gorgeous, and so I was able to keep my windows down, music blaring, collecting awkward looks for my tendancy to dance while driving.

Just the start...

2009-03-07T10:21:00.001-08:00

Last night was amazing! Hearing Maya Angelou speak was incredible. I think I gained more from the hour and a half of hearing her speak than all the years I have spent in various therapy sessions about self confidence, self respect and how to honorably remember the women you may have lost in your life. That alone was worth the drive up here.

After the talk we walked to Akbar and had some great Indian food, ordered enormous beers, and ate some sort of Indian desert which resembled bread pudding. We had planned on hanging out and drinking a bit, but it turned more into just watching some tv and passing out. I was snuggled by the adorable Andy (Twenty's kitty), and woke up ridiculously early. I am never able to sleep late, and it's even more problematic when I'm not at home. Looking forward to a possible nap this afternoon before heading to Ryan's Daughter for dinner.
I bombarded Twenty at about 7:30 for our venture into DC. Sticky Fingers, as expected, was amazing. RAR came with us and we met up with an old friend... it's nice that on top of getting to spend the weekend with Twenty, I've been able to see several people. After gorging ourselves on their wonderul pastries we dropped RAR off and stopped in Hampden at Sugar, which was a very educational visit, to say the least!
I'm now lazing about, looking forward to the debauchery that will ensue later!

Ode to KHT

2009-03-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

This weekend will be wonderful. I can feel it, and I love that feeling. The start of something long anticipated, with people you really love. Coming into Baltimore on the light rail (something I've never done) was fantastic -- it gave me a little bit of time to reflect, while reminding me why I love Baltimore : It's gritty. Real. Dirty. Eclectic. I'm ashamed to say I don't remember the last time I actually went out in Baltimore, it may have been this weekend last year, but I am excited to rectify that situation.

I've arrived a bit early (I'm obsessively early) and so I have a few minutes to pound around my keyboard before meeting an old friend for sushi, then heading on to hear Maya Angelou speak.

This whole weekend is brought to you in part by Twenty's birthday... Her 7th 21st birthday (Yes, you read that right, I think she's in denial)... because of this I'm going to take the time to dedicate this entry to her.

Twenty and I have known each other for at least a decade. She and I have been through more shit (there is no better word) in that time period than most people would think possible. We've shared secrets, told stories, grown together and have even "broken up" for a short period. My relationship with her has grown more than any single relationship I've had in my entire life. We've been through the heartbreak caused by unfaithful lovers, and the guilt caused when we were the heartbreakers. We have both been through major family changes, and major changes within ourselves. She is someone who I know that, without a single doubt, I can call on. It has taken us many years to form this bond, but I would never trade our past tribulations as they are what have made us know the extent of our loyalty and trust for one another. She is my sister in all senses of the word, and I am proud to have her as a friend.

Happy Birthday and, as always, I wish you only the best.

Now let's get our drink on ;) !!

Mush.

2009-03-04T18:16:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Twenty I was recently perusing an apparel site and came across these. AMAZING. That is all there is to it!

That is pretty much all you're going to get in the way of an update. My brain is pretty mushy at the moment. Doing laundry late at night doesn't do much to stimulate me. I have the pug snuggled up next to me, and am burning CDs (all very very legal) to keep me company on the long drive to Charm City. I was going to bring David Sedaris' 'When You Are Engulfed in Flames' but it is almost 5 hours of book on tape! Thats a lot. I may still, because I'd really like to "read" it... but this would be my first real book-on-tape experience, and I'm not sure if this is a good one. It is, however, actually David Sedaris reading, which gives it MASSIVE points. I just adore him.

Ok I'm out.

Whoa.

2009-03-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been very reflective. Along with my decision to go back to school, I have been evaluating the things in my life that make me happy and fulfilled. With this comes a lot of reminiscing, and so I decided to look up my old blog, which was on livejournal. HOLY SHIT, is all I have to say.
I started that journal back in 2004 (5 years ago?! wow) and the changes in myself are monumental. Obviously some things haven't changed -- I still feel insecure sometimes, I still feel like I never make enough time for my friends, I always wish I could travel more. My writing has definitely changed, although I must say some of the poems I wrote and posted aren't so bad. There are so many people mentioned in my previous journal who I just don't speak to anymore... it's a weird feeling.
The journal entries are random, and I just put whatever thoughts I had into the journal, without any real regard for my own privacy (I may just think this because I know all of the stories behind the entries). They are not particularly well thought out, and very few of them make good points, but it is crazy to be able to look back and see what I was thinking at what points.
Twenty has read some of it, as well, and makes the point of how young we were. Not that in the five years since I started that journal we have suddenly become wise, but so many things are different. She and I were college room mates and always acted ridiculous together (which we still do). Our relationship is much more mature, or at least more honest and open, and we as people want different things.
I guess looking back at all the insanity I wouldn't change the decisions I've made. I'm still not entirely sure who I am or where I am going, but I look forward to coming back to this journal one day and seeing the major changes in myself.

Gew.

2009-03-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

I'm going to write about something that is a little embarrassing to admit, but has become a huge annoyance in my life: I have a cockroach problem. Not like an infestation, but one every couple days or so. Apparently this is one of the problems with living in the Southeastern part of the US. And these are no wimpy cockroaches, my friends. These are enormous American Coackroaches. They randomly appear and gross me out and I always have to kill them.

For instance:

This weekend I was in the kitchen cooking. Imagine my surprise when I turn around and out of nowhere there was a cockroach the size of my thumb chilling on the wall. It was right above Simon's kennel, so after pulling that out of the way I grabbed the "kills on contact" roach spray. This spray LIED to me. After months of killing these cockroaches with a bleach cleaning product, I decided I would get an actual roach spray. Well let me tell you, the bleach worked better. After giving up with the "on contact kill" I just tried to drown it. It started to slow down, which is a plus because these fuckers are fast, so I stepped on it. AND IT DIDN'T DIE. Attempt nubmer 2 at squashing was MUCH more violent because, well, i was pissed. Finally, dead cockroach. Which i now have to pick up and continue to be disguisted by.

Basically these things are just gross and there is no way to stop them from coming in, especially when it is cold outside.

I hope I have sufficiently grossed everyone else out.

Weekend

2009-02-27T07:07:00.000-08:00

ok, loves.

I've been way too in my head the last few days, and haven't posted anything for fear of word vomiting all over my blog. I think I'm together enough (at least at the moment) to hash out some sort of semi-coherent statements.

Next weekend I'll be heading to Bmore for Twenty's birthday. WOO CHA. I'm really excited to head back and hang out with a couple of my favorite people on the whole planet. We've got plans to hear Maya Angelou speak at U Balt, Hit up Brewer's Art and head to DC for Sticky Fingers -- and that is just the start. I'm pretty sure we plan to relive some college moments with body shots -- yes, body shots -- and other such debauchery. I'll be sure to keep you posted on that excitement.

Looking forward to the weekend, as I have no real plans other than heading to Howl at The Moon this evening. It's rainy and gross so I'll probably be staying indoors avoiding all the cleaning my townhouse desperately needs.

I am the Scarecrow

2009-02-26T16:00:00.000-08:00

If I only had a brain...

... I would put together a coherent thought.

Many apologies for the lack of updating, but my synapses are not firing properly. Once I get my shit together I do a real update... just wanted people to know I hadn't given up the blogging. I refuse to publish a post that is total shit (I'm sure this makes some of you wonder about some of my other posts, and what qualifies as shit...)

Approval

2009-02-23T07:55:00.001-08:00

I must say, my weekend rocked.

There was nothing overtly spectacular about it -- did the crawl, went to Raleigh to Hang out with the Swanson crew and stopped in Chapel Hill to see The Great. It is always encouraging to me to spend time with people I love, who are honest and supportive, especially since the big move. We spent a lot of time playing the ever popular rock band, and it... well, rocked!

I always become introspective on the drive home from visiting people, mainly because I have open road and no one to talk to (The Hub always sleeps). Visiting Mama Swanson just made me think about the time I spend going to visit her at college -- a period of time I feel that I some how forgot about. It was right around the time my mom died, and I was a mess. I made lots of poor life decisions, and treated people like crap who didn't deserve it. I didn't finish college, and just generally had no regard for anyone but myself. It is painful to remember how selfish I acted, and even more painful to know my friends understood why I acted that way and continued to love me. This makes me ridiculously thankful for my awesome friends who put up with all my crap, and had late night conversations about nothing and everything, plus offered me massive cuddle time when I most needed it (the biggest honor on that goes to CarCar). Basically, reflecting back on all that time seems foreign. It is like I watched a movie about it, and am trying to recall the details.

When mentioning to Mama Swanson that I was a total slacker, and finally getting my butt into gear and going back to college, she very graciously reminded me that I was in fact dealing with things that most people don't deal with at my age, and it is perfectly acceptable its taken me a while to get my shit together. I know I don't need approval from anyone, but it's nice to know I have it anyway.

Crawling

2009-02-20T20:19:00.000-08:00

Just had a great evening!

Met up with some friends in NoDa for our first Charlotte Gallery crawl. I was immediately surprised how difficult it was to find parking! Even in the chilly weather, every where seemed to be pretty busy. The Hub and I met said friends at a small coffee house, Smelly Cat, and were introduced to the guy who would be playing music for the evening. After grabbing a quick chai, we decided to peruse some galleries, promising the evenings musical act at the coffe place we'd return. The first gallery we stopped at was populated by college students showing their art. They all seemed nervous and over eager, but the art was surprisingly good. A piece with political connotations caught my eye, and after asking the artist about it I was dissapointed that he didn't have more to say about the politics of the piece... it seemed it was kind of a spur of the moment art work. Which I suppose is fine, Art does not need an agenda. The students were talkative and generously poured the free wine, overall not dissapointing.

We moved on to the next gallery, which seemed to have a more varied crowd, and more experienced art work. Overall it was enjoyable, but I certainly don't understand the price tags on many of the pieces! Not that the works of art aren't beautiful or moving or fun or interesting, but I can't see paying 8000 for an artist I've never heard of. I suppose it is considered an investment?

In the spirit of not boring my Hub, we decided to stop at a bar, Dolce Vita, where I partook in the fabulous and under appreciated Framboise! It was fantastic. Listened to a great guitar/violin duet there (part rock, part classical, I loved it). It was the kind of place that made you feel simultaneously at home and as if you were in a special, intimate place.

Back to the Smelly Cat. More Chai. Josh and Dane (who, if I could find his webpage, I would link it. Sadly, I cannot) was fantastic! The kind of chill, acoustic perfect coffee house music that I love. He played a mix of originals and covers, all of which were thourghly enjoyable. It made me miss my guitar. I enjoy the small, arts setting and definitely hope to hear them again!

Great night. Looking forward to catching up with old friends tomorrow!

For now, pug is snuggly, and I must comply with his furry demands.

Snippit

2009-02-20T07:32:00.000-08:00

More from the book -- still from the beginning, I'm not really ready to post some of the more intimate parts of my life. Obviously, I will have to get over that soon.
Please, also, keep in mind that this is rough. Rough, rough, rough. No editing. I am trying to give people an idea of where I come from without it being too lengthy. I definitely plan on expanding on this -- but as a snapshot, this is what I've got. I considered posting a longer piece, but this is still my baby, and again I'm not ready to put too much out there!
Here it goes --

As a child I never thought there was anything extraordinary about my life. My parents were still married, I had two sisters, two dogs, two cats, nice house… none of these things seemed remarkable. I was a happy child, and given opportunities that until I was an adult, I did not appreciate. My Parents met in high school and married young. My father, who was in the Marines, moved my mother and himself to California, away from their native New Jersey. It was here they birthed 3 lovely daughters. The oldest being Michelle, then myself, then Ann. After kids, my parents decided they wanted to be closer to family and so we moved back to the east coast. A small town on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, a blip of farmlands and beaches, where I spent a large part of my adolescence. It is the same as every small town America you see in the movies: partially segregated, wholly religious, and mostly redneck. I went to church on the weekends, played in the middle and high school band, and played capture the flag with my friends from youth group.

Seeing this snaphot of my life, one might begin to wonder what it is that I could offer. Growing up in a white middle class life doesn’t generally afford the kind of drama required for lifetime movies or heart wrenching memoirs. This is where I tell you that things are not always what they seem. As cliché as that is, I suppose there is a reason for it. And so, dear reader, I begin to divulge the details of my life.

Umm...

2009-02-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

Despite my down and dreary rain-days, I am still riding on my high of finally being able to make a decision. I realize that this isn't a huge accomplishment to some people, but when you've been a slacker for as long as I have, it's the small things that really count. As ridiculous as this sounds I feel like I'm starting over. I'm leaving all my bullshit, all my excuses and just going for something I want. Who knew it would feel so liberating?

In talking with The Hub about it (as I must, even though it is ultimately my decision I figure I should consult the person who will have to deal most with my insanity) he is ridiculously supportive. There is no hesitation on his part when it comes to this decision. I have more insecurities about it than he does, which I suppose is good. In talking to my friend Rar about the situation he has made a couple good points. First, I'm probably not as big of a slacker as I think I am and Second, Other people almost always have more faith in you than you do in yourself. Both of these I believe are true, and so I will soldier on until I actually start doing something that makes me feel accomplished.

Looking forward to going to a gallery/bar crawl tomorrow night -- it's in the Arts District here (dubbed NoDa) and I've wanted to check one out since we moved, and am finally getting the motivation to do so.

Silver and Gold

2009-02-18T06:07:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I hate how much the weather affects my mood. Before I even got out of bed this morning I could feel how dreary it was. (it's raining) My knees ache, my back hurts and I just have a generally unfavorable attitude. This resulted in my not having the motivation to work out this morning. Which means I must do it tonight, despite my lack of desire to anything except for sleep!

I went on a "new friend spree" this weekend. This is a good feeling -- I always enjoy meeting new people, and it is exciting when you think those people could become a bigger part of your life. Friday was a girls night, where I had to deal with intolerable, drunk, idiots who can't take hints (although, only for the last 15 minutes or so. The rest of the evening was quite enjoyable) and Sunday was meeting a new couple (who also have an adorable pug!) and going for a walk and watching stupid movies with them. Overall it was very nice.

Okay, I'm going to stop writing for the sake of writing... perhaps I'll have something more interesting to say later...

Motivation

2009-02-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

I am seriously motivated at the moment. I don't know what happened to cause this, but I'm running with it!

I know that at many points you've listened (or read, rather) to me deliberate over what it is that I want to do. Well, friends, I think I'm finally taking a step in the right direction! I went to the local CC to check some things out, and I will be starting there part time in the fall. They have a program that works directly with UNC, so as long as I don't suck and keep my GPA up (which shouldn't be an issue) I'll be able to just transition right over. I think I've decided on an English major with a minor in Women's and Gender Studies, then going on to get my Masters in English (linguistics? not sure of that specification, yet) and possibly a graduate certificate in Women's Studies. YAY FOR DECISION MAKING. Now, we'll see how many times this changes, but I actually feel really confident about the English thing. Journalism is not quite the track I want to be on, although I wouldn't rule out doing something in that field in the future. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but to me it seems that English is a bit more flexible of a field to have a degree in. I do think I'd eventually like to teach college, but I also think that working for an NPO (like the HRC) would be something right up my alley. Who knows. Actually finding a job would be a long way off!

Okay, I can't lie to you and say it's all happy. I am actually scared shitless. Really. But I feel good about the decisions I am making for myself. I am not focused so much on "what if", and am happy to be doing something for me. While this might delay other life goals a little bit, I think that ultimately this is what is going to make me feel happy and secure.

So, cheers to me for making a decision.

Lets see how many times I change my mind :)

V Day

2009-02-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I need to make the obligatory Valentine's Day post. While I think it is a ridiculous holiday, I appreciate the sentiment behind it. So, here goes...

I feel very lucky with the love I receive from all aspects of my life. In the many relationships, in the many forms, I am blessed. And this love is something I feel on a daily basis, something I am also thankful for. While I may not be with all the ones I love all the time, I hope that they know who they are, that I miss them, and that above all I love them.

<3

I also think that everyone should take a moment and check this out. Just a reminder to treat everyone in your life with respect. Violence against women (anyone, really) is unacceptable, and I believe that through education, love, patience and perseverance this is something that we as a people can overcome.

Cynical?

2009-02-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

I don't consider myself an aggressive driver. Ok, I DIDN'T consider myself an aggressive driver until moving to Charlotte. While the Eastern Shore never offered much in the way of traffic, my frequent trips to Baltimore and DC afforded me with the opportunity to lane switch, speed and generally be obnoxious with the crowds on the Beltways. Hell, compared to people who drive 695 daily, I'm a meek driver. Here however, I've some how turned into this testosterone laden maniac who cuts people off, lane switches and yes, I have even flicked someone off here, (although I feel those were extenuating circumstances, there was a school bus involoved). All the drivers here are so friendly and I just don't know how to take it. People let you in when you need to get over. The make a break for you when you need to cross the street and traffic is backed up. Practically noone speeds. When I drive the speed limit here, I pass about 85% of the people on the road, and forbid me to go 5 or 10 over the limit -- I'd look like a speed racer! What is it about the South that causes people to be obnoxiously polite and friendly? And this is not just on the road, it is EVERYWHERE. In grocery stores, banks, malls. I'm apparently too cynical for this.

Morning After

2009-02-11T05:38:00.001-08:00

Ok, so last nights rant may not have been my most eloquent writing, but sometimes that is all there is.
I'm doing better this morning, although still feeling a bit gross. Much of my irritation last night was brought on my good ol' victoria's secret. I went to buy a bra with a gift card I'd gotten for my brithday and looking at myself mostly naked while trying on said bra was rather dissapointing. In the dim, soft lighting of the dressing room, with a bra that gives me good, but subtle cleavage would usually make me feel great. But seeing the bloated, mushy mess that was my stomach had a less than stellar effect on my mental status. I have always struggled with self-esteem issues, and not just because of societal pressure, hollywood role models, blah blah, etc. Certain events in my life definitely made me doubt my self worth, and this translates into Carol-feeling-crappy. Now I realize that by normal standards I am not fat, or chubby or even a little over weight. I could use some toning, but over all I'm in decent shape. I have always been critical of my body, and it worsened with The Ex. I became anorexic at one point, due largely to his insults, and that is certainly a path I do not want to go down again. Having said all that, it doesn't mean I have to be happy with what I see. I am currently trying to do something about this, but in a world where food pretty much translates into socializing it is difficult to not eat. Plus, I enjoy food. I don't see eating as just a means to survive and nourish my body, I love the taste, texture and feeling I get from eating certain foods.

Oh where, oh where is the happy medium?

Bitch

2009-02-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

Do you have those days where everything feels like it sucks? You feel fat, bloated, gassy, and just a little bit ridiculous? If you're a woman, the answer to this question is YES. I'm not sure if men feel gassy and bloated, but they sure as hell should feel ridiculous sometimes.

I'm settling down with a glass of 2 buck chuck cabi-savi and hoping to pass out shortly.

That's all I've got for today, unless I add a big fuck you to my womanly hormones.

The Write Stuff (oh, c'mon)

2009-02-09T12:53:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been contemplating what the hell it is I would like to do with my life. Writing is definitely at the top of that list, and what a long list it is. I have the fortunate (or unfortunate) circumstances of having parents who believed in me, and always told me I could do whatever it is that I wanted. Well, here I am at 24 and i still believe that. That belief coupled with my wide range of interests makes it rather difficult to pick a career.

I have come to the decision that I should in fact go back to college for something to do with writing -- whether is be journalism or English, I have yet to decide. While I think I would enjoy teaching, I only think I would enjoy teaching College level or High school level kids who were actually INTERESTED in what they were studying. So, public high school is basically out. I'm planning on taking a course or two at the community college this summer/fall to see how I do with that. It's been a while since I've been in classes, and I may suck at it. Not that I don't think I'm smart enough, because I know I am, it's just a different mind set, and being married and working while going to class should be interesting. Sometimes I feel that in order to really dedicate myself, I'd need campus housing and no distractions, but that is certainly not going to happen at this point.

Another one of my "road blocks" to this goal is my extreme fear of failure. Again, not that I don't have the intelligence, because I do, but that I just won't do well. That I'll finish school, get my masters, and still be a total failure at a job. That I won't be able to find something I actually enjoy doing, because what I want to do is write. I realize that writing is considered self-indulgent to many people, but I need it. Writing is the reason I don't go totally insane, and I've just really realized this recently.

Maybe I'll get lucky, get a book deal, and go on Oprah and I won't have to worry about this. It could happen, right?

Irish Car Bomb

2009-02-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

This has been a spectacular weekend. It started out perfectly with my morning of solitude, and continued to bring a smile to my face right through this very moment. Aside from the sudden, much needed burst of spring in early February, I was surprised with an evening where I was able to be myself. No censoring, no pretending, just good ol' Carol -- ridiculous liberalness, drunkeness and hilarity ensue. It's been a while since I've been in situation where I've managed to make myself the center of attention, and I loved it. After having a mostly quiet dinner with friends, The Hub and I met up with a group of his friends from work, only one of whom I really know. Well, thanks to my inebriated state I was able to entertain a table of people for the evening without making an ass of myself. This is something I definetly used to do all the time. Whether it be at parties, at a dinner or even just a casual meeting I adore the feeling I get from making people laugh with me, and also being able to add a little bit of shock in there as well. I have fairly vanilla looks, and so one might assume I have the vanilla personality to go along with it. In fact, one of the girls last night proclaimed that she thought she would have to censor her language around me, because I looked like a rigid church goer. I proved her wrong, and it made a good time for all involved.

Flip Flops in February

2009-02-07T06:02:00.000-08:00

This is my morning. All mine. The beautiful day has put me in a fantastic mood, and as I now sit in a small bakery/cafe eating my french style breakfast I feel that today could not get any better. I have been constantly around people for the last few days, and I needed this refresher for myself. No matter how much i love anyone, I can only stand so much of them. I need long moments to take in the hodge podge of thought in my brain and this quiet morning get away should do the trick.

Sitting here, sipping my coffee and looking out the window at the skyline of a city which used to mean nothing to me, I feel that I have made the right choices. While Charlotte may not be as large as NYC or as old as Baltimore, there is an appeal to settling here. In places, this appears to not be a city, but just a collection of neighborhoods that some how ended up in the same place. The diversity of the work force, the houses, the attractions is lovely. Who knew in this large industrial building on a road with houses that have seen better days, I would find such a lovely retreat, complete with comfy couches, eclectic decorations and french music. Who knew that in a city dominated by finance there would be Andy Warhol exhibitions, an art show entirely devoted to coture fashions, and a small but wonderful art district completed by its own dog bar.

It is strange that I have found myself at home so quickly. Strange that while it can take me years to warm up to people, I have started to fall in love with this city so quickly.

I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I am wearing flip flops in February.

Sunrise, Sunset

2009-02-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

Being reminded of my mother is always a difficult thing, even when it is in a positive way. Yesterday I was reminded of my mother in the terms of mortality, and that was devastating. I learned that someone from the church I went to with my mother has cancer. Apparently he’s had it for a couple years, and I just didn’t know. I don’t know how bad it is, or what the prognosis is. Now, this is not someone who I’d say I’ve had a close relationship with, but it is someone who I have a lot of respect for, and who has made an imprint on my life. He played trumpet with my Mom at church, and is someone who is always upbeat and friendly. He has a love for music that is evident to anyone who knows him, and has definitely encouraged me in that area.

So, of course, being a selfish human being (I say this in general, not just me) I think of my mother. And how much I still miss her. And how after almost 7 years there is still an ache so deep for her, I can not tell where it begins. I think of the years I had with her, and cry for the years I don’t have. I think of the times when I would lie in bed next to her, and how she always made everything better, no matter how big or small. I think of the times I was stubborn and selfish, and how unfair that was to my mother, but also feel glad she was there for my sullen teenage years. I think about how she will not see my children, did not meet my husband. I think of how my kids will only know their grandmother through my memories. It continues to break my heart that my sisters and I are the representation left for her, as I believe she did a much better job herself. It hurts every time my father tells me how much I look like her.

Through all this all I want is, for these people who I barely know now, to not have to experience the loss I have. Not yet.

Dreams?

2009-02-05T11:54:00.001-08:00

Sleep has been elusive these last few weeks. With restless nights, and active days, this makes for one very exhausted blogger. My “dreams” (if they may be indeed be called that) have moved from their usual abstract terror into nightmares I simply can not make sense of. What is even more baffling is that in my dreams I am usually terrified, to the point that I will wake up with tears on my face, or physically lash out, and in these bizarre monkey-bone worthy nightmares I feel no actual fear. I don’t know what to make of this, or if there is anything to be made. The hubs wants me to go have a sleep study done, or something, but I’ve been to lots of doctors for the no sleeping thing, and they just called it PTSD (from Vietnam, you didn’t know I was a Vet? Ok, no disrespect to the people fighting for our country. I am no veteran, and never plan on being one). I’m sure it has to do with the less than savory events from my childhood, or the loss of my mother at an early age, or any number of the crappy things that I have been subjected/subjected myself to in the short years of my life. I’d just like to be able to do something about it that didn’t require me developing a dependency on drugs.

Ok, I was planning on elaborating more on this, but am feeling rather sad at the moment (just found out some very sad news), so I’ll finish later

Hrm...

2009-02-04T13:48:00.000-08:00

I'd like to go get my nose pierced soon.

We shall see how this develops.