And it is with the holidays approaching that I make this next post.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a fan of the holiday season. Furthermore, you know why. Having lost my Mother makes it difficult to celebrate a time of year that was so special to her, and that she always made very enjoyable for my sisters and me. This year, however, I am giving it the ol' college try (which Adam says means I'm NOT trying... but you know what I mean). Adam and I went and got a tree -- it's kind of a little Charlie Brown tree (it's fake), but it is still pretty cute. We have blue and white ornaments on the tree, with white lights. It is very simple. Coming down the stairs of our townhouse to see this lit tree reminds me of coming down the stairs in our house in Pocomoke; Seeing the twinkling lights, and feeling the warmth and excitement that Christmas brought as a child. Admiring all of the ornaments that my mom had kept through the years. The weird misshapen ones that we made as projects in kindergarten or sunday school, and all the ones that we had received as gifts. So, as you can imagine, I have tremendous mixed feelings about trying to enjoy the holiday. There is now, and I feel will always be, a vast empty whole where my mothers presence should be, and for whatever reason it becomes just a bit more tender at the holidays.

introspection

Relationships.

There is a lot of meaning contained in that one word. One word that causes joy, elation, sorrow, depression, and most usually confusion. I have been pondering most of my life relationships recently. What do they mean to me? Why are they important? What are the things that I am willing to forgive, and what are the things that are unforgivable? Is complicated a bad thing? Is everyone complicated? Even just a year ago, my answer to most of these questions would have been quite different. It seems that no matter how much we "mature" there is always the possibility for drama worthy of a high school prom queen. I see this in most peoples lives, of all ages. There is always a person who wants to argue, wants to create a situation. Even if they seem much past the point of such adolescent behavior, they can still stir it up with the best of them.
I also wonder how unrealistic some expectations are. There is no "perfect" relationship. If you see someone, and think they have it, you are mistaken. No one is 100% happy, 100% of the time. Most people have some sort of baggage that they will bring into a relationship. I just wonder how much that baggage will affect the success of the relationship. This is more of an introspective thought -- I have certain 'issues' that I bring to the table -- based largely on past relationship experiences. Does that make me condemned to repeat my actions with those I love? I certainly hope not.

Before this gets too blabby or personal, I will sign off.
Have a great weekend!