And it is with the holidays approaching that I make this next post.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a fan of the holiday season. Furthermore, you know why. Having lost my Mother makes it difficult to celebrate a time of year that was so special to her, and that she always made very enjoyable for my sisters and me. This year, however, I am giving it the ol' college try (which Adam says means I'm NOT trying... but you know what I mean). Adam and I went and got a tree -- it's kind of a little Charlie Brown tree (it's fake), but it is still pretty cute. We have blue and white ornaments on the tree, with white lights. It is very simple. Coming down the stairs of our townhouse to see this lit tree reminds me of coming down the stairs in our house in Pocomoke; Seeing the twinkling lights, and feeling the warmth and excitement that Christmas brought as a child. Admiring all of the ornaments that my mom had kept through the years. The weird misshapen ones that we made as projects in kindergarten or sunday school, and all the ones that we had received as gifts. So, as you can imagine, I have tremendous mixed feelings about trying to enjoy the holiday. There is now, and I feel will always be, a vast empty whole where my mothers presence should be, and for whatever reason it becomes just a bit more tender at the holidays.

introspection

Relationships.

There is a lot of meaning contained in that one word. One word that causes joy, elation, sorrow, depression, and most usually confusion. I have been pondering most of my life relationships recently. What do they mean to me? Why are they important? What are the things that I am willing to forgive, and what are the things that are unforgivable? Is complicated a bad thing? Is everyone complicated? Even just a year ago, my answer to most of these questions would have been quite different. It seems that no matter how much we "mature" there is always the possibility for drama worthy of a high school prom queen. I see this in most peoples lives, of all ages. There is always a person who wants to argue, wants to create a situation. Even if they seem much past the point of such adolescent behavior, they can still stir it up with the best of them.
I also wonder how unrealistic some expectations are. There is no "perfect" relationship. If you see someone, and think they have it, you are mistaken. No one is 100% happy, 100% of the time. Most people have some sort of baggage that they will bring into a relationship. I just wonder how much that baggage will affect the success of the relationship. This is more of an introspective thought -- I have certain 'issues' that I bring to the table -- based largely on past relationship experiences. Does that make me condemned to repeat my actions with those I love? I certainly hope not.

Before this gets too blabby or personal, I will sign off.
Have a great weekend!

I am very ready for this election to be over... more over, I am done talking politics with people. Unless you are actually undecided, there is no point. Short of Obama being revealed as a child molester, I'm not changing my mind. I agree more with Obama than I do with McCain. Period. If you agree more with McCain, good for you! I'm sick of people fighting about things that they won't change their mind about. It's not just politics -- it goes for religion, family values, etc... I firmly believe if you locked a very conservative, faithful christian and a very conservative faithful muslim in a room for two days, told them to pick one religion to agree on, they would still both come out their own religion. Very rarely do people just change. Which is fine! It would be very boring if everyone agreed on everything -- but can we stop being assholes about it? Agree to disagree, I suppose would be the way to put it.

Heading up to salisbury this weekend - hoping to spend time with the Sisters, and see some friends. We are also singing at the church my mom went to. That should be interesting :)

The Weight Matter.

This post might be a lame topic to some people -- I am forewarning you!

Weight in the Media

I have always known that as a society, we are obsessed with the way people look. There are an infinite number of magazines dedicated to scrutinizing celebrities bodies, and offering miracle diets for the less worthy, but still weight obsessed, general public. People do hydro-colonic, drink maple syrup, eat nothing but a cube of cheese, all in the hopes to have the perfect body. While I will admit to being somewhat of a pop-culture whore (I like to know what is going on) I am always frustrated by this focus of weight. Now, there are two reasons that made me actually want to write about this. 1) is the recent focus on Eva Longoria and her drastic weight gain for a TV show role. First of all, let me just say, I don't watch Desperate housewives. I don't pay particular attention to Eva Longoria in general, but when people started freaking out about her weight I looked at pictures. I really don't see a difference. She got a hair cut? She looks fabulous. I will be thrilled to have a body like hers. Well, in reading an article where Ms. Longoria was actually interviewed she stated that she gained SEVEN POUNDS. That is it!!! I feel like this is ridiculous! She said she didn't even change sizes, she is still a SIZE ZERO. Ok, so everyone is freaking out that this woman is ballooning -- and she still wears a size zero. This is insane. INSANE. Are we really that obsessed? I think so. This brings me to
2) My own weight. While I myself have not changed sizes, I recently weighed myself and found out that I weigh 145 pounds. I am 5'7". I eat fairly well. I am active. And somehow, in the last 2-3 years I have gained 20 pounds. Now, mind you, I have gotten married, which I know occasionally will make people gain weight. My clothes still fit, but there are bloated days when I feel exceptionally "blarg", and putting a certain pair of jeans might not be appealing. It is more the NUMBER that is bothering me. 20 pounds! How could I gain that much weight and not really notice? I don't know. Even more disturbing is the fact that the thought went through my mind to try one of these crazy maple syrup diets! I don't think i'm fat. I think that I still look good in my clothes. I may be a bit curvier now than I was (ok, I definitely am), but generally speaking I feel ok. Adam thinks I look great, and I think he loves my curves. I am not unhealthy, obese or even chubby. So why does it matter? It shouldn't. But it does. And it drives me crazy that despite my best efforts to just feel good about myself, there is a magazine somewhere waiting to bereate me, and make me feel like trying to survive on air and only air for a few days.

I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. A lot I'd like to talk about, but not to share with the whole world as this does. Being in NC is hard for this reason -- I need a face to face with some friends, and it is really not accessible. So, I'm trying to keep from just blabbing it all out on here ... we'll see how that goes.

Presidential debate is on tonight -- I didn't watch the first one. I feel like I need to pay more attention to them, but at the same time I'm mostly getting my updates from the internets, and am feeling too lazy to be really involved in this election -- I dunno, maybe because I'm still hurt from the last election, ha :)

Fourth

Okay, so I have TOTALLY sucked at updating. But here we go --

Things are still going well here -- Time seems to somehow get away from me. I guess I have no real markers for it. It doesn't really matter for my job what day it is -- a baby is pretty much the same everyday. Eat, Sleep, Poop, Cry -- not always in that order. But, this is most likely the reason for my lack of updating. My little sister called me Emo-tastic for having a blog -- but you know what, oh well. I hope this comes off as more reflective than emo, but if it doesn't, whatcha gonna do. I just made a new AIM name-- I've had the same one for a long time so, like the blog!, I got a new one.

This weekend was really great -- Sunday Adam and I stayed in our PJs and watched TV all day. It was fabulous. Charlotte is having a gas crisis because of the refinery in Houston being shut down because of a silly little hurricane! Psh. But, there is virtually no gas in Charlotte, and everyone is freaking out. Plus Wachovia was bought by CitiBank today, and Wachovia is one of the main Jobs here -- so we'll see how this goes. I don't know anything about Economics ( or "reflected-sounds-of-underground-spirits" -- ten points if you get that) so I can't really comment on all this mess, but it doesn't seem good to me. I think I shall try and find out more about what is going on, so I can formulate a real opinion on it.
I feel too scatterbrained at the moment to say anything of real substance. I am listening to music to avoid hearing the TV -- Adam is watching Heroes, and it's too creepy for me to watch right before bed. Okay, hopefully I'll rectify the crappy blog situation shortly.

Third

This weekend proved to be fabulous. It was really nice to spend time with new people, and just feel like we have friends! I do realize, though, that I miss my friends in Maryland A LOT. My sisters, C, and H and D especially.
Anywho, we went to dinner last night with M and C, and had a great time. Even if Adam did manage to drink an entire bottle of wine by himself -- which resulted in a very drunk husband. This morning, after convincing Adam that yes, he did have to get up, we met K and K for brunch! I actually felt busy, and it felt like part of our "new life" here. It was lovely. Took Simon to the dog park this afternoon, he only lasted about 45 minutes -- it was HOT here today. We have not had any hurricane issues yet.
Serious topic for the moment: Music.
I've really been trying to get back into listening to a variety of music. I feel that i forget sometimes how much I really love it, and how much it really affects me. Especially classical music. I can listen to a piece of music and feel happy or sad or a mixture of much more complex emotions. I remember how much I love opera, even if I can't understand any of it. Not only that, but I've been trying to revisit things like Ani Difranco, and some newer folk music (ie, Meiko -- lovely girl). I miss finding new music, and listening to the memories old music brings.
It feels good to be writing again, as well. I know most of this is useless, and lacking in entertainment value, but it feels good for me to just get things out there. While there are much more in depth things I would like to write about, I feel that this is not exactly my medium for such things.