Sunrise, Sunset

Being reminded of my mother is always a difficult thing, even when it is in a positive way. Yesterday I was reminded of my mother in the terms of mortality, and that was devastating. I learned that someone from the church I went to with my mother has cancer. Apparently he’s had it for a couple years, and I just didn’t know. I don’t know how bad it is, or what the prognosis is. Now, this is not someone who I’d say I’ve had a close relationship with, but it is someone who I have a lot of respect for, and who has made an imprint on my life. He played trumpet with my Mom at church, and is someone who is always upbeat and friendly. He has a love for music that is evident to anyone who knows him, and has definitely encouraged me in that area.

So, of course, being a selfish human being (I say this in general, not just me) I think of my mother. And how much I still miss her. And how after almost 7 years there is still an ache so deep for her, I can not tell where it begins. I think of the years I had with her, and cry for the years I don’t have. I think of the times when I would lie in bed next to her, and how she always made everything better, no matter how big or small. I think of the times I was stubborn and selfish, and how unfair that was to my mother, but also feel glad she was there for my sullen teenage years. I think about how she will not see my children, did not meet my husband. I think of how my kids will only know their grandmother through my memories. It continues to break my heart that my sisters and I are the representation left for her, as I believe she did a much better job herself. It hurts every time my father tells me how much I look like her.

Through all this all I want is, for these people who I barely know now, to not have to experience the loss I have. Not yet.