Definition

Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.

Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.

So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.

In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?

I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.

For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.

Love and Ex.

Comic from xkcd.com -- no copyright infringement intended!

Things I've always wanted to say to my exes:

(these are in no particular order, I just thought it would be amusing to do...)

1) You were horrible in bed. I'm sorry for letting you think otherwise.
2) I thought you ruined my life, but really, you ruined yours.
3) I did love you, and I'm sorry.
4) I hope that I was wrong about you -- and I'm sorry you believed the lies.
5) I'm not sure why I liked you. Really. No idea.
6) You've become someone I don't know, and that makes me sad.
7) I wish things had ended better, but it was never meant to be.
8) Thank you for loving, caring and helping me change.
9) I'm sorry. Really. Very sorry.
10) The smallest. Really.


I'm sure there are a lot more... but it's interesting at this point in my life to look back and think what I would say to people if we still talked or if I had the balls. Some of it is amusing, some of it sad, and some of it... well, it's better not said anyway. Love is complicated. There is almost never a guarantee... and yet we all yearn for it, plunge into it, and plan our lives around it. Most of the people I actually dated in semi-longterm I could see myself evolving with, and then, obviously, at a certain point that changed. But did I change? Or you change? Or we changed? I guess we don't really know, only that when we do find that person, we know we are entangled and will work our asses off just to wake up next to them everyday.

Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

Introspection

When you know someone intimately, reading them is like second nature. You understand the words behind each sigh, each movement. You can tell the difference between a breath exhaled in frustration, in pain, or in need of calm. It’s a comfortable kind of security -- knowing someone this well. There is almost little need for actual words -- one gesture will inform the other person of your desire, whether it be a drink, a blanket or a kiss. The problem with this comfort is you can begin to lose yourself in it. You become comfortable with the routine of your partners signals, and so settle in this. Talking becomes more infrequent and you communicate largely through body language. It is easy to loose yourself in this… and while a relationship made up of entirely serious, soul-searching conversations would be exhausting the opposite is also true. You may become exhausted by the simplicity of your relationship. How do you tell this partner, whom you love, adore, and can read better than anyone in the entire world that you actually feel that you don’t know them. It is one thing to read these small nuances -- understand the crossed arms, the slumping posture -- but you don’t understand their real desires. Is it possible to become so comfortable and familiar that we are exactly the opposite? Humans have been evolvers since the beginning of time -- what’s to say that we stop evolving the moment we find one of these comfortable situations? While knowing how someone drinks their coffee (black or with lots of cream) can be most convenient and comfortable, knowing someone’s goals and aspirations is a far more tender piece of familiarity. When you first meet this person, it’s all excitement. You discuss your current aspirations, goals, desires, past miseries and heartbreaks. In those moments, you realize the things that will lead to you becoming numbingly comfortable. It is important for you to always come back to that place of excitement and discovery, because after the weeks, months or years that it has taken you to become sedentary both parties will have changed, and while major goals may remain the same, the way these goals are approached or viewed or motivated may have under gone a drastic overhaul. Just because you are comfortable in the everyday moments, does not mean you need to ignore or lose the excitement which guided us to this place of ease.

Survivor?

Just a warning to those who read this blog -- I am not usually so serious, nor quite so personal. If you have questions, please ask. If I can in any way lend support to someone, I would be more than happy to. I am putting this out there as my way of challenging myself to open up, to become a better writer, and to move towards my goal of writing a personal, heartfelt book.

The role of a writer is not say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
-Anais Nin

In life there are many moments which define who we are, who we will become. It is impossible to know just when these moments will occur, as they usually do so with little-to-no fan fare. A casual run in with a stranger may become the making of your life long partner. A simple statement, offered in truth, maybe become the breaking of a long friendship. No one is able to know or calculate just when these moments will happen, or whether or not they should be taken note of.

These thoughts have come to mind recently when trying to categorize the terms "victim" and "survivor". With the recent media coverage of the "alleged" abuse of a certain celebrity, these terms have been slung all over the place. I believe that in our lives at some point we are both of these things -- but what qualifies the difference, and how do we recognize what we are in which moments. Is it our reactions, the way in which the situation is being described, the intensity to which one is violated? At what point does one become a victim, or a survivor, and how do you know that you have gotten there? As someone who has had the misfortune of experiencing verbal, sexual and physical abuse in my life, I would not classify myself as a victim. I suppose at some point, someone did. Especially when it came the the sexual abuse -- I was much younger and it took me many years to not only stand up for myself but to come to terms with all that had happened. When it came the physical abuse, I left. I have never considered myself a victim in that situation, but others may certainly have a different point of view.

I suppose I am just trying to reconcile these two things, as they seem to have significantly different meanings. The way I see it, this is what image these two terms perpetuate:

Victim - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by simply staying in the situation. The person would take little to no action to remove themselves.
(out of personal interest the random house dictionary defines victim as - a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance*, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency)

Survivor - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by rectifying the situation, rising above it, and turning the negative energy created into a positive life force.
(Again -- 1. a person or thing that survives
2. a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks ** See end of blog)


Now these are not necessarily my opinions, just how I perceive that these two categories are portrayed. In reality I think most people who experience abuse are some where in the middle. No one, no matter what it is they have overcome, can display the survivor mentality 100 percent of the time. We all have breakdowns. Even now, almost 14 years later, I am still occasionally haunted by the sexual abuse I experienced. This is in spite of years of drugs and therapy, along with the best support system anyone could ask for. I feel that I in no way define myself, my life by these acts, in fact many of you may feel uncomfortable or surprised at reading this. I've done what I can to conceal these facts from most people, however at this point there is no reason to continue to do so. In my wildest dreams, if what I have to say could help one person, I would put it all out there. This is the start of me breaking down the wall, the persona, that I have spent a long time building.

Ok, I'm getting a little off track here.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I don't think anyone, in any situation, should allow themselves to be defined by the terms or labels that people/a person/society/whomever choose to use in reference to them. While I may be "an abused/victim/survivor" that is simply one instance of an entire person. I am also "a lover", "a learner", "stubborn", "a writer", "a comic", "a friend", "a sister", "a daughter", and so on. When looking at a snap shot of someone's (possibly your own) life, it is easy to only consider only the position of victim/survivor. Remember the other beautiful and wonderful facets of yourself, or those around you. The weight put on the labels may just be the weight that is keeping you down.

* I think this is an important point -- it is easy to allow ourselves to be deceived, certainly in cases of verbal abuse -- words are only words, right? It is the ignorance that we allow ourselves, as well as the ignorance of the abuser, that makes it ok for us to stay in these relationships -- our ignorance is our rationality. *

** I find these two definitions to be unique. The first merely means you continue to live. The second qualifies as continuing to function or prosper. I felt these were notably different -- there is an enormous difference between simply being alive and actually living. **