So, in my haze of self-realization and honesty I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing. I know, shocking. Trying to find and maintain identity with this realization is a bit of a struggle, and at this point I am feeling simply frustration. In trying to answer fundamental questions about myself (things like: who am I really? What is it that I want? or even simply What am I going to major in?!) I have realized that to different people I am different things. Is this part of being an adult? compartmentalizing who you are? I certainly hope not. However, I find myself being different people at different times. Revealing only what I deem to be appropriate for the situation, and then hiding the rest. Sometimes, I care far too much about what other will think of me, and this needs to stop.
It is in this vein of thought that I feel I should at least mention the reason for my temporary insanity. Being 25 and going through a separation is not something that I necessarily wish to broadcast, but feel that for my own selfish purposes it's a fact I should put out there. I am now living with a roommate, instead of a spouse. I am trying to readjust my whole life, and find out who I am individually because that is not something I did very well while married.
Perhaps this is what would be deemed a quarter life crisis, although I'm not really a fan of that term. I think that people should be allowed, and encouraged, to continually evolve. To find out who and what they really are. If and when that changes, it is the beauty in life that allows us to adapt and grow with each flexing moment.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Where I'm very honest.
Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.
What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.
I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.
In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.
What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.
I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.
In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Class Ramblings
This semester, I am enrolled in a course entitled "Global Connections". It is a liberal studies requirement from the university, however, I have the feeling that this could be one of my favorite classes, not just for this semester, but through the course of my college career.
The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.
The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.
Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.
The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.
The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.
Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
Most people take the start of a New Year to reassess their lives, rethink their goals, realign expecations and begin again in a way that seems to only be offered by the presence of a new calender.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.
Happy New Year, all.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.
Happy New Year, all.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Definition
Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.
I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.
Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.
So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.
In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?
I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.
For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Going, going...
Quick! I have 15 minutes before I need to get to my next class!
Obviously, things have been absurdly busy. I am no longer privy to long, leisurely evenings that allowed me to enlighten the world with my lilting, beautiful writing. Or, you know, write hurried and often neurotic blog posts. Same thing.
College is excellent. For real. I could not be happier with my decision to go back. I'm enjoying my classes and doing well in most of them. Chemistry is ... we'll see how that continues to go; I am optimistic that the first exam was a fluke, and that I will do better from here on out. We'll see. Everything else is going fairly smoothly, even if the only thing I've had time to write has been the random essays assigned to me in my English class.
Work is fun. I can't say that I'm thrilled to be working as much as I am, but I really love Amelie's (The amazing and fabulous French Bakery where I work), and the people and customers make me enjoy my time there. There is the slight issue of my ass getting a little bigger, and so I'll have to control my desire to eat everything in the cases... but other than that I am proud and delighted to be a part of such a great place.
I've been attempting to be at least a bit involved on campus, I've applied for a Freshman Leadership program (I met with the director, she encouraged me to apply, even though I'm old) and I'm trying to get involved in the production of the vagina monologues, although the Women's Studies department that hosts the event is a little less enthusiastic about the cause than I would like. I will officially start engineering classes next semester (YAY!) and have determined that if I take 2 summer classes, I should be on par with the rest of the Engineering students, and on track for only 4 lovely years here at UNCC.
Alright, the halls are filling with chattering students, my signal to moooove along.
Oh, also, my hair is purple. ish. I'm pretty happy to be able to funk things up again.
Obviously, things have been absurdly busy. I am no longer privy to long, leisurely evenings that allowed me to enlighten the world with my lilting, beautiful writing. Or, you know, write hurried and often neurotic blog posts. Same thing.
College is excellent. For real. I could not be happier with my decision to go back. I'm enjoying my classes and doing well in most of them. Chemistry is ... we'll see how that continues to go; I am optimistic that the first exam was a fluke, and that I will do better from here on out. We'll see. Everything else is going fairly smoothly, even if the only thing I've had time to write has been the random essays assigned to me in my English class.
Work is fun. I can't say that I'm thrilled to be working as much as I am, but I really love Amelie's (The amazing and fabulous French Bakery where I work), and the people and customers make me enjoy my time there. There is the slight issue of my ass getting a little bigger, and so I'll have to control my desire to eat everything in the cases... but other than that I am proud and delighted to be a part of such a great place.
I've been attempting to be at least a bit involved on campus, I've applied for a Freshman Leadership program (I met with the director, she encouraged me to apply, even though I'm old) and I'm trying to get involved in the production of the vagina monologues, although the Women's Studies department that hosts the event is a little less enthusiastic about the cause than I would like. I will officially start engineering classes next semester (YAY!) and have determined that if I take 2 summer classes, I should be on par with the rest of the Engineering students, and on track for only 4 lovely years here at UNCC.
Alright, the halls are filling with chattering students, my signal to moooove along.
Oh, also, my hair is purple. ish. I'm pretty happy to be able to funk things up again.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
How quickly...
Oh, Maryland. How I miss and love you! I had the fortune of driving up to MD a week and a half ago to visit my little sister, who was home on leave. Foo Foo looks great, and it made me ridiculously happy to be in the same house with BOTH of my sisters at the same time. We went to a cool brewery that opened in Delmar, had dinner at my Dad's an just had some lovely sister time. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera, and as such have NO PICTURES. But we were all together. with our dogs. I promise!
Other than visiting my loved ones, I've just been doing the usual : Work, School, Homework, Study. I'm finding the studying thing to be the best -- especially for my math class. Obviously, most of the people in my classes are 18, and coming right from high school... so they don't need as much of a refresher as I do. My class is fast paced, which I like, but it leaves me teaching myself some things, simply because I'm the only one who hasn't been acquainted with the material recently. One of the women I work with asked if I felt like I was at a disadvantage... I'm not sure that I would call it that precisely, but I definitely will be working harder for my grades, at least this semester while I adjust and reacquaint.
The most exciting part of my week? RIVER IS LOSING HER TEETH! It's so weird! I guess with Simon, he ate them, so I never saw them. They are super tiny and cute. If teeth can be cute. I looked it up to make sure it was ok, and she seems to be right on schedule for having all of her adult teeth in a month or so. I'd been a bit concerned that she wasn't eating well, and I suppose it's because her teeth have been bothering her! This morning Hub made her an egg, and she was very happy to eat that, and even managed to eat some of her dry food. They grow so quickly!
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