For me.

And so, in this ever evolving state of self, I have learned the following things:

I am a difficult person to get to know.
Silence and alone time are more important to my sanity than anything else.
I talk too loudly. And occasionally too much.
I am terrible at returning phone calls.
My sarcasm is sometimes unintentionally mean.
I am, despite protests, a largely "type A" person.
I am periodically pretentious.
I demand a lot from those I allow to be close to me.
I am looking for honesty.
I am only interested in people who are a bit of a mess.
I am not ready to date.
I am just as confused about the way life works as I was ten years ago.
Reading makes me happier than most other activities.
I frequently forget that I am a grown up.
It is OK for me to make selfish decisions.
It is also OK for me to change my mind.
I'm not sure that I'll ever know who I am for more than a moment, and I am beginning to like that.

This list is not well written, terribly interesting, or even relevant to any one but myself. It is incomplete and ever changing. In this moment, in these days of frustration and low self esteem, it helps me to see a picture of the person I think I am. It will help me to see where I am going. And, in my increasingly unpredictable life, it may just push me to work a little harder to be a better self.

Blah.

I just feel weird. And vulnerable. And a little bit needy. Today was a weird kind of day, where I made some big/little/instantly gratifying decisions that have left me in a tumultuous frame of mind. I wish that I could take back some of the crazy that has occurred during today, but I can't. I think that I live inside my head so much that sometimes I forget that other people aren't privy to the insanity within. I tried to blame it on a full moon, sadly the moon is at 47% tonight (Yes, I looked it up). I'd like to blame it on hormones, or being a woman, or something, but when it comes down to it I think it was just one of those days where I feel out of sorts and am looking for some comfort, and am not exactly sure where I can turn to receive that comfort.
Sigh.

When All's Well...

I've made some big decisions in the last year. Ones that will affect the rest of my life, and whose consequences I have spent a great deal of time pondering. After this time of great contemplation have arisen other decisions that need to be made. Many of these have, for lack of a more PC term, stressed me the fuck out. They have been things that have made my life feel crazy, have made me a wreck, and just generally been displeasing to deal with. One of my friends made the suggestion that I stop thinking of things in such grand terms. Not every decision I make has to weigh in on the rest of my life. Sometimes, just thinking and deciding for now is all that you can do, and if it doesn't really make sense in the long term, well then, that is something you'll have to adjust. And so, this is what i am trying to do. While I have made lots of decisions that reflect my long terms goals, I've been making a few more rash decisions that are just making me happy right now. Is this selfish? Probably, but selfish seems to be the theme and I'm just going with it. I'm trying to give up a bit of control, trying to work through what is fulfilling and satisfying to me now. Do I think I'll get everything I want? Probably not. But I can be honest and forthcoming, and try to make the decisions that will fit my life and my happiness the best. It seems to me that this is the way life should be lived.

Beautiful Mess

One of the big adjustments to being single is not having someone who must listen to you when you are upset. The lack of intimacy, the space left where someone should be holding your hand. When you have bad days, for whatever reason, you are left to navigate them alone, unless you go out of your way to reach out for comfort. This reaching out has never been a strong point of mine. Instead, I'll shut myself in or pretend to others that I'm shining through the darkness.
Today was no good. Several events culminated to make it not good. In an attempt to make it better, I made plans to go out. Drink. Have a good time. Only when it came time to actually do it, I found that was not what I wanted. I found that what I wanted was some real time with someone. Some time to sit down and talk about how I was feeling, about what was upsetting me. Only, in my stubborn and and somewhat self deprecating mind I didn't feel I had that person to reach out to. Now, I'm sure that many of friends would have been willing to listen, including the ones with whom I had plans. But, that wasn't really what I wanted. The intimacy of knowing someone and really communicating is something that, in my opinion, doesn't happen very often. Instead, we end up drinking away and mashing through issues that require more time and attention than we seem to want to give them.
Reaching out would also mean vulnerability. Giving out a piece of myself that I'm not ready to. Yes, all of my friends know I'm a mess, but I'm at least a private mess. I don't have melt downs, don't have crazy days, at least not outwardly. Exposing that side to someone feels to dangerous. For now, exposing my crazy through weekly blog posts is enough for me...

insanity.

Ok, so I wrote a whole entry and had to delete it because it was just so damn dark. The combination of snow, midterms and my general life stress is making me a tad crazy. I'm sure it would have been wonderfully interesting for you to witness my lapse into insanity, but for now I think I'll keep that bit personal.
This week has been tough, if for no other reason than I'm actually trying to deal with things, instead of simply ignoring them, a tactic that I have employed for years. Honestly, I don't know why people do this... pretending everything is ok, and waiting out the shit seems much easier than being a responsible adult about things. I've also been trying to recover from the crap that settled in my chest, and am only sleeping in a codeine-infused cough medicine stupor.
School has felt overwhelming at moments, but I am managing to keep it mostly under control. Having 3 midterms this week is less than ideal, but once those are over I have a week of spring break! While I won't be sunning myself in beautiful Cabo, or skiing in some far off mountain resorand trying to regain some of my previously gained composure.

Life, as we know it.

So, I could write about my AMAZING trip to New Orleans. I could tell you that it was one of the best experiences of my whole life, and that spending 24 hours in a car with 2 people actually made us better friends. I could tell you that it started out terrifying, and ended beautifully. But, I don't think that anything I could say would really convey the amazing paragraph that this trip added to the book that is my life. It was beautifully written, and to try and share that with you, well, it would just feel watered down and unsatisfying.

Instead, I want to share with you that this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This is not an issue that I focus on a lot, but it is something that is important to me on a personal level. As one who has struggled with my body perception in the past, I can say that sometimes just letting a person know how beautiful and wonderful they are could really make a difference. To get more information go to http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

I'm done with my public service announcement. All for now.

Recovery.

Ok, so, I'll admit. Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any one, particular reason, but simply because I was feeling sorry for myself. I think I should be entitled to a day like that every now and then. A day where I won't judge myself for having a couple beers, while snuggling with my pug and crying. Ok, fine, pass judgment. I know I am. But, today is a new day, and I will continue to push forward through this mess.
As it is, I have already been a considerably better adult. Doing laundry, taking care of the pug, getting some homework accomplished. Despite this, I still feel an innate pull back to sadness. This is unexpected. I have spent the large majority of my life not being sad about things that require it. Childhood trauma made me numb to many of the things that could break other people. In fact, to this point, I thought that after the death of my mother nothing could really make me sad again.
It is with these feelings that I am trying to redefine, as I said yesterday. I am trying to make goals, however small they may seem to others, and push myself to accomplish them. I have found two short story competitions that I'm going to enter. I'm entering them, not because I think I'll win, or even because I think I'm that great of a writer, but because I love to write, and feel like I have things to say. Plus, you have to start somewhere, and I think this will motivated me to polish some of my writing.

Identity

So, in my haze of self-realization and honesty I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing. I know, shocking. Trying to find and maintain identity with this realization is a bit of a struggle, and at this point I am feeling simply frustration. In trying to answer fundamental questions about myself (things like: who am I really? What is it that I want? or even simply What am I going to major in?!) I have realized that to different people I am different things. Is this part of being an adult? compartmentalizing who you are? I certainly hope not. However, I find myself being different people at different times. Revealing only what I deem to be appropriate for the situation, and then hiding the rest. Sometimes, I care far too much about what other will think of me, and this needs to stop.
It is in this vein of thought that I feel I should at least mention the reason for my temporary insanity. Being 25 and going through a separation is not something that I necessarily wish to broadcast, but feel that for my own selfish purposes it's a fact I should put out there. I am now living with a roommate, instead of a spouse. I am trying to readjust my whole life, and find out who I am individually because that is not something I did very well while married.
Perhaps this is what would be deemed a quarter life crisis, although I'm not really a fan of that term. I think that people should be allowed, and encouraged, to continually evolve. To find out who and what they really are. If and when that changes, it is the beauty in life that allows us to adapt and grow with each flexing moment.

Where I'm very honest.

Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.

What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.

I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.

In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.

Class Ramblings

This semester, I am enrolled in a course entitled "Global Connections". It is a liberal studies requirement from the university, however, I have the feeling that this could be one of my favorite classes, not just for this semester, but through the course of my college career.

The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.

The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.

Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.

2010

Most people take the start of a New Year to reassess their lives, rethink their goals, realign expecations and begin again in a way that seems to only be offered by the presence of a new calender.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.

Happy New Year, all.

Definition

Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.

Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.

So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.

In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?

I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.

For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.

Going, going...

Quick! I have 15 minutes before I need to get to my next class!

Obviously, things have been absurdly busy. I am no longer privy to long, leisurely evenings that allowed me to enlighten the world with my lilting, beautiful writing. Or, you know, write hurried and often neurotic blog posts. Same thing.

College is excellent. For real. I could not be happier with my decision to go back. I'm enjoying my classes and doing well in most of them. Chemistry is ... we'll see how that continues to go; I am optimistic that the first exam was a fluke, and that I will do better from here on out. We'll see. Everything else is going fairly smoothly, even if the only thing I've had time to write has been the random essays assigned to me in my English class.

Work is fun. I can't say that I'm thrilled to be working as much as I am, but I really love Amelie's (The amazing and fabulous French Bakery where I work), and the people and customers make me enjoy my time there. There is the slight issue of my ass getting a little bigger, and so I'll have to control my desire to eat everything in the cases... but other than that I am proud and delighted to be a part of such a great place.

I've been attempting to be at least a bit involved on campus, I've applied for a Freshman Leadership program (I met with the director, she encouraged me to apply, even though I'm old) and I'm trying to get involved in the production of the vagina monologues, although the Women's Studies department that hosts the event is a little less enthusiastic about the cause than I would like. I will officially start engineering classes next semester (YAY!) and have determined that if I take 2 summer classes, I should be on par with the rest of the Engineering students, and on track for only 4 lovely years here at UNCC.

Alright, the halls are filling with chattering students, my signal to moooove along.

Oh, also, my hair is purple. ish. I'm pretty happy to be able to funk things up again.

How quickly...

Oh, Maryland. How I miss and love you! I had the fortune of driving up to MD a week and a half ago to visit my little sister, who was home on leave. Foo Foo looks great, and it made me ridiculously happy to be in the same house with BOTH of my sisters at the same time. We went to a cool brewery that opened in Delmar, had dinner at my Dad's an just had some lovely sister time. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera, and as such have NO PICTURES. But we were all together. with our dogs. I promise!
Other than visiting my loved ones, I've just been doing the usual : Work, School, Homework, Study. I'm finding the studying thing to be the best -- especially for my math class. Obviously, most of the people in my classes are 18, and coming right from high school... so they don't need as much of a refresher as I do. My class is fast paced, which I like, but it leaves me teaching myself some things, simply because I'm the only one who hasn't been acquainted with the material recently. One of the women I work with asked if I felt like I was at a disadvantage... I'm not sure that I would call it that precisely, but I definitely will be working harder for my grades, at least this semester while I adjust and reacquaint.
The most exciting part of my week? RIVER IS LOSING HER TEETH! It's so weird! I guess with Simon, he ate them, so I never saw them. They are super tiny and cute. If teeth can be cute. I looked it up to make sure it was ok, and she seems to be right on schedule for having all of her adult teeth in a month or so. I'd been a bit concerned that she wasn't eating well, and I suppose it's because her teeth have been bothering her! This morning Hub made her an egg, and she was very happy to eat that, and even managed to eat some of her dry food. They grow so quickly!

It only gets better with...

(I took this picture last year at Childress Vineyards, when coming to look for a place to live. Who knew moving to NC would bring such large changes to my life!)

Now that I've settled into a routine, I can honestly say that being back in school is a) weirder than I thought it would be and b) more of an adjustment. As a person who has done a lot of "personal renovations" (of the mental/spiritual/philosophical/confidence kind) over the last few years, it is very strange for me to be in a setting where I have, for the most part, no power. I am very used to interacting with people who are older and have more education than I do... and am used to being viewed as a peer or equal. The fact that I have friends who are the same age, and with similar education as some of my professors is a bit disconcerting. I want to have more of a conversation, but college is not a conversation. It is a "sit down and learn what I'm saying". I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it's a weird feeling to be at the bottom of the totem pole again.
As far as the adjustment goes -- it's a scheduling thing. I've been used to coming home, having some wine, taking naps, going to the park, etc, etc. Now I am a slave to my schedule -- when am I working? When is class? When is this assignment due? Do I have enough time? It's resulted in my getting up too early, and going to bed too late. Despite this, I am very happy with my decision to return to school, even if it's taking a moment for me to get my brain in learning/studying mode. I feel very frustrated at times that I didn't get my act together sooner... knowing that I could have completed school already, and be in my career. It's very difficult not to look back like that, but I stumbled across this beautiful quote, that is very well stated, and means a lot to me:

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson

I've got all my life to live...

I've survived! I'm almost done with my first week of class (just one more tomorrow), and I have experienced a range of emotions this week: Elation, anxiety, frustration, interest, disgust, confusion, pride, nostalgia... and I could go on. Classes have been really great, although I think that blogging has ruined my writing "etiquette" and so I'll have to brush up on that.
It's been difficult for me to decide what exactly (outside of the academic learning) is interesting me the most. Is it the way that the 18 year old freshman react in class? Or is it the constant connectedness that is apparent all over campus -- iPhones, Laptops, Blackberries?
First, let me say that the second time around is quite different for me. I know what I want to do, I'm very committed and highly motivated. I know that when I was younger, my mind sent was not exactly the same, but SURELY I was never as flippant as the kids in my classes? Right? Why is so cool to spend 7,000+ a year on college, only to slack off and not attend class? I guess I just don't get it.
And moving on... I am ALL for social media. I think it is great. Fantastic, even. Being on twitter has connected me to Charlotte in a way that is mind blowing. Pretty much everything I know about Charlotte now comes from twitter. I follow interesting people, and have actually managed to make friends with a few people, just by "tweeting" at them. Very cool. But when is it too much? When are we crossing the line of "acceptable, informing communication" into "self-obsessed, absurd vanity"? The only thing I can keep thinking is Narcissus. When will this happen to us? One day, when the phone breaks or we're out of service range on vacation, how will we react? Will we take the sword and end it all, simply because we have no access to this wonderful reflection of ourselves? Ok, it's dramatic but, honestly, how far is it from the truth?

A change will do you good.

This is a moment when I know my life has changed. It is 11:30 on a Monday, and I am very awake, having just returned from playing pool. In the last year (probably a bit more) my life has changed drastically. I have not only changed cities, but changed states. I have changed jobs (twice now), moved from a 2 bedroom apartment, to a 2 bedroom townhouse. Bought a puppy. Cut my hair. Changed my entire life. Last week, I was a nanny with no direction. This week, I am a student. On my way to using all the beautiful intelligence I have been gifted.
I can very honestly say that I have made more changes in the last year than I have in the 7 years since my mom died. And much of that was fear. But, I'm determined to move past all that, in into my real life. The life where I continue to be fun and spontaneous, but also smart and responsible. The life where I make choices that make me happy, instead of make me safe. Having just returned from a pool hall (where I've never been, and am btw HORRIBLE at) I sit here and am able to fully recognize the massive changes in my life. Perhaps it was the 2 beers. Or the warm weather. Or the snuggling dogs. But whatever it is, this is the moment. My life, in a matter of a few hours, has changed and I couldn't be more thrilled. I am working at a bakery, which I adore, I am studying engineering -- something I didn't really think I'd have the balls to do, and I am loving, living and exploring more than I ever have in my adult life.
I'm done with the regrets. Moving on from the mistakes. Trying to leave the emptiness and sadness behind. Big, wide, beautiful world : Here I Come. Please be ready.

Time...

Hi, my name is Carol, remember me? I used to blog on a regular basis. And now, due to my life exploding and becoming insane, I can barely get in a regular update.

I am really going to try and be much better about this, if only so that I can have this is reflect in/on in the future. So, I feel like a lot has happened since I've last updated. Big thing: I got into UNCC! I'm pretty stoked about it, although not as confident as I had previously been about my track. While I love writing, I don't want to teach. And I would really like a bachelors that allows me to do something I enjoy, so I'm looking into something more in the science/math field, because as we all know, Math is My Life! So, I was officially accepted on friday (the picture is of one of the main buildings on campus), and classes start in oh, two and half weeks, so I am frantically trying to get everything together so that I can start. On top of all this, I am job searching, as my nanny job is over the friday before classes start! Let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for the word "recession". I have sent out resumes to at least 50 jobs, most of which were simple receptionist positions, and have gotten 3 phone calls. One was a scam, the other didn't work because of timing, and the third is an interview I have with a temp agency on friday. In the meantime, I'm pretty much driving myself crazy stressing out about every little thing. I try really hard not, but some times it is difficult. Although I feel I'm doing a better job of it than I usually do. This past weekend was very helpful in that -- Hub and I took the puppies down to Atlanta and spent some time with very quality people, who always make me feel loved, and always help me to relax.

I've also begun the task of sorting through some boxes of pictures that I got from my dad. Let me tell you, that is a long walk down memory lane. Sometimes the pictures make me happy, and sometimes they me melancholy or wistful. Either way, I'm very glad to have them.

Ok, that is all for now.

Politics and Life

I've had a lot of things I've wanted to say lately, but haven't really had the time to sit down write them out properly.

Many things about politics, the focus of the media, and the distractions that are being offered up instead of actual news. Please keep in mind this coming from a democrat who very proudly voted for Obama -- all of this is very frustrating to me. I really put my trust into a system that I feel has always been, well, off kilter or unfair, and I really thought that would make a big direction change. Maybe it's unfair to judge this harshly 6 months in, but Obama gave us HUGE promises, direction and most of all HOPE. While I know that some people still think of him as too liberal, in my eyes he is not liberal, at least not the liberal we were promised.

On top of all my infatuation with news as of late, I have been job hunting (yikes) as well as trying to sort out what I'm doing for school in the fall. Once I have more concrete news on that, I'll be sure to let you know.

Happily, my puppies are doing fabulously, and River is now TEN POUNDS. Less than 2 months ago she was a shrimpy 4 pounds, so she's growing well, and Simon and River absolutely love eachother.

Calm.

Ok, so, I'd typed out this long whiny entry, and the decided to delete it. I'm going to attempt to keep the "positive energy" going, and say how thankful I am for the things I have in my life. While I may at times get frustrated, hurt or sad, I love my family, my friends, and my puppies. I am lucky enough to live in a nice place, with running water, electricity, internet and cable tv. I have no idea what real hunger feels like. I am educated, informed and have many opportunities, I only have to have the courage to follow through with them. While I have had some terrible things happen to me and those I love in my life time, I have always had the support and love of others to get me through those times. It is very easy to take for granted these beautiful things that we all have, and I am trying to realize this. I am trying to better myself in many ways at the moment - and this is a journey I am just beginning. The journey of self-satisfaction and self-worth. A desire for a sometimes more simple way of life and happiness. A higher understanding of my place in the big, big world, and an acceptance that things will happen as they will, and aside from trying my hardest at whatever my endeavour, there is not much else I can do.