Definition

Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.

Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.

So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.

In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?

I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.

For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.

Curves Ahead.

Body image is something I've talked about a couple times here -- because being a woman in my mid-twenties (yikes!) it is something that is at the forefront of all my pop culture obsessions (if you hadn't noticed I am, in fact, obsessed). A few months ago I had conceded that I was no longer the stick thin girl I was in high school. But it's finally dawned on me that I have Curves. Now, they aren't huge or anything -- I'm no Dita Von Teese -- but, now that I have accepted this fact, I have been able to find clothes that fit better, and that flatter me much more than trying to wear things that make me look like a stick. I consider this a big step. I've always had shaky self confidence, for various reasons that could be quite psychologically probed, and the fact that I am able to feel great about how I look is very comforting. I also chopped all my hair off. I'd been growing it out, partly for the wedding I was in in May, but I considered letting it grow because it's just prettier and more feminine that way. But, you know what? Fuck that. I love having short hair. It makes me feel good, it's easy and I feel like myself. I guess when it comes down to it -- the only person I need to make happy is me, and the other people who still love me after that are the ones I should feel lucky to have in my life.

Introspection

When you know someone intimately, reading them is like second nature. You understand the words behind each sigh, each movement. You can tell the difference between a breath exhaled in frustration, in pain, or in need of calm. It’s a comfortable kind of security -- knowing someone this well. There is almost little need for actual words -- one gesture will inform the other person of your desire, whether it be a drink, a blanket or a kiss. The problem with this comfort is you can begin to lose yourself in it. You become comfortable with the routine of your partners signals, and so settle in this. Talking becomes more infrequent and you communicate largely through body language. It is easy to loose yourself in this… and while a relationship made up of entirely serious, soul-searching conversations would be exhausting the opposite is also true. You may become exhausted by the simplicity of your relationship. How do you tell this partner, whom you love, adore, and can read better than anyone in the entire world that you actually feel that you don’t know them. It is one thing to read these small nuances -- understand the crossed arms, the slumping posture -- but you don’t understand their real desires. Is it possible to become so comfortable and familiar that we are exactly the opposite? Humans have been evolvers since the beginning of time -- what’s to say that we stop evolving the moment we find one of these comfortable situations? While knowing how someone drinks their coffee (black or with lots of cream) can be most convenient and comfortable, knowing someone’s goals and aspirations is a far more tender piece of familiarity. When you first meet this person, it’s all excitement. You discuss your current aspirations, goals, desires, past miseries and heartbreaks. In those moments, you realize the things that will lead to you becoming numbingly comfortable. It is important for you to always come back to that place of excitement and discovery, because after the weeks, months or years that it has taken you to become sedentary both parties will have changed, and while major goals may remain the same, the way these goals are approached or viewed or motivated may have under gone a drastic overhaul. Just because you are comfortable in the everyday moments, does not mean you need to ignore or lose the excitement which guided us to this place of ease.