Realizations.

I was looking through pictures last weekend with one of my friends. After pulling the enormous box out of the closet, sifting through the 8 or 9 photo albums and countless number of Wal Mart developing envelopes, I realize I really don’t look at these pictures enough. It is always fun to think about people who are no longer present every day, who used to be an integral part of your life. It is not, however, fun to have photographic proof that I have indeed gained 20 pounds since college. I supposed I’ve got more curves now, and that makes it ok. Yea. Me and Jessica Simpson. Aside from that realization, and the one where I change my hair WAY too much,

Ok, break. I’m trying to listen to music and write at the same time. It never works. I need silence. Strange? It is the only time I need silence. However, Juno Soundtrack rocks my world.

Ok. Now perhaps my sentences will be more coherent.

Realizations… where was I going with this? Oh, right. Just that the memories that I have of certain people are only in the moments of these photographs. While they may be a completely different person now, I’ll still think of that friend as the pseudo alcoholic who didn’t go to class enough, or that ex as the one I should have treated better, but has a bit of a drug problem. I realized I categorized my old friends this way last summer. After reconciling with a friend from an awful situation, I told him that I had developed this caricature of the person he really was/is. I pick out the parts of people I want to remember, and forget the rest. Needless to say, it is usually easier to remember the bad things about people, because if they were so good, wouldn’t you still be friends?

My what if...

This part shall be a little self-indulgent, I warn you.

It is very difficult in life to not have “what ifs”. In the vast spectrum of human choice, there are infinite ways any persons’ life may go. Regardless of circumstances at birth, in this time and in this country, we have very few limitations on what it is we are able to accomplish, should we have the drive and motivation to do so (ie. Barack Obama -- had to throw that in there) Underneath all my cryptic bullshit, I am basically trying to say: What if I had made different choices? This was mostly brought on by seeing RENT last night -- the broadway tour came through Charlotte. Sitting in the audience and watching the passion of a play 25 years old and still relevant was incredible. So, I started thinking about how my life could be different. What if I lived in New York with a bunch of people who were passionate about life and art? Somewhere along the line, hadn’t that been my dream? What if my mom had not gotten sick? What if after she died, instead of being depressed and wasting money, I had applied myself and gone away to school to study music and French like I wanted? My life would obviously be something very different. Sometimes I would just like to meet that Carol and see what she has to say. Would she be living in a cheap loft in NYC, teaching music to kids, playing in some orchestra? Would she have gone to Paris already? Perhaps found a wonderful Parisian to fall in love with and eat croissants and sip espresso with all day? Ok, ok, I realized that is very cheesy and cliché, but I’m going for cheesy. It’s my life. None of this is to say that I am unhappy with my life as it is. I actually really love the life that I am living now. I am happy with my relationship, the place we live, the goals we have. And while I may not speak French or teach music, I guess I have to think about what I would have to say to the other me, and it is simply this: I am happy in my life.

random

Yesterday’s Hinges are screaming
With the rough shove through yesterdays rust
Out of use, out of sight
Still able to open right by me
I missed this doorway
Years before
Searching for something else
But, I hear
Yesterday’s hinges screaming
In consolation, comfort
I have made it

oh, belief.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and they were describing a family .. "They are super nice, and very good Christians" ... was one of the main points made during said conversation. This made me think two things:

1. That is not important to me.
2. That is obviously important to you.

I don't say this in any negative way -- just that I hold almost no associations with religious beliefs. Unless you were to say "oh, they belong to that cult from texas that rapes the children" I could pretty much just not care to even know what a persons religion is. While it may have an affect on their opinions on certain things it, generally, is not an all encompassing personality trait. Whether you be Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Pagan, or Agnostic... there are still a variety of factors that make up who a person is. I know plenty of self-centered Christians, and I know plenty of perfectly nice Agnostics. And vice versa. As long as I am not having a religious belief shoved in my face, I don't care what you believe. While I was in college I attened the DC Pride parade with a group of friends, amoung them was a girl who was raised catholic, and considered herself to be Catholic still. While she was not gay, she said "I don't see how it is any of my business what other people do. I don't have to agree with everyone completely in order to get along." This girl made a very good point -- one that I try to keep with. I don't really discuss politics or religion, and not because they aren't important to me, but because chances are what I have to say won't change your mind. Should you want to talk about it, I would more than gladly, however I am not nessicarly one of those people who has solid reasoning for the things I believe. Some people have scripture or science to back up how they feel or believe. I don't really have either, I just have what I feel about situations... and it is subject to change.

On to part deux.
Is the trait of being a certain religion important to those who consider themselves religious? Two of my most loved friends in the whole world consider themselves Christian, know that I disagree with them on certain points, but we still love eachother. So, why is it that this trait could be considered so important to some? Like mindedness? Similar Ideals? In my experience even people within the same religion can't agree on certain things, so I find it difficult to believe that this is the reason. How is someone believing the same things about a man as you do basis for defining their whole personality?

Again, this is not meant to be hostile -- just some things I was thinking about.

Rudyard Kipling

Probably my favorite poem of all time -- just wanted to share it. I think these few lines say more about life than many books...

If - by Ruyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man, my son!

Excerpts

I think I will begin posting excerpts of what I one day hope to become my book. It's kind of a scary thing, and sometimes when I think about writing this book, and putting all my shit out there for the world to see, I become terrified and feel that maybe I shouldn't do it. Seeing as how I think very few people read this blog, I figured it would be a good way for me to get over it. Gotta happen sometime.


You are never alone. If there is nothing else that you are able to take away from this, I ask that you, dear reader, remember these four words. It has taken a short lifetime for me to fully understand the weight of those words. Often times the ones who are there for you, are the people who you would never think to look to. The strength and compassion of strangers is grossly underestimated by those who feel completely alone. I ask that just for a minute you consider me to be this stranger. While I am not you, and have not been through your circumstances, I can relate to the most devastating heart breaks, I understand the worthless feeling of being abused mentally, physically, spiritually, and I still know the feeling of emptiness and loss that comes from losing the most important person in your life. While I have not walked in your shoes, please allow me to walk beside you in this journey. Walking alone is much too painful.

Family

Okay. Real Update.
Reflection on: Family
This blog is inspired by the fact that my Foo Foo began bootcamp this week.

Family is a strange and (sometimes) wonderful thing. Genetically speaking we get no choice in the matter. And if your family is like mine, I get little choice else where. I don't say this in a bad way, I love my family. We have been through a big ugly mess together, and still somehow remain mostly whole (with one notably large absence). We fight, don't speak to each other occasionally, but I would still give anything for my sisters and my father. Despite trying for a couple years to cut myself off from them (it was painful, I was young), they have their claws embedded deeply, and I can't seem to get away. Even moving to NC, I am still involved in the occasional family drama. Well, over Christmas my little sister declared that she had joined the military. At first I thought I would be upset. I even wanted to be upset. But I actually think she has made a great choice. The downside to this choice is that she could end up anywhere in the world, and could end up in harms way. I'm proud of her for doing it, it's not something I would ever do, or ever want to do. I hope that she gets everything she wants out it, because when it comes down to it, the only thing I want is for the people I love to be happy.

Oh, the Holidays

My holiday season proved to be not much different than expected this year. Fun, illness and family cheer! Anywho, The drive to MD seemed long, but the drive home seemed even longer.