Saturday, December 13, 2008

Holidays, Babies, and John Mayer

I've been trying to think of something else to post about, besides the holidays, but my brain is really failing me. I am extremely excited to be going to MD next week to see the people that I love! I knew the holiday season had OFFICIALLY started when I cried at a Macy's commercial last week ;) The ones with kids always get to me.
I guess the one thing I can talk about is that I do feel fortunate at the moment -- fortunate that I am able to be working a job that I truly love doing! It might not be some peoples idea of 'success', but I can't think of anything better than wanting to go to work everyday. I feel lucky that Adam has been supportive of my being Nanny, and not pushed me to do something that may be more lucrative. This year has brought a lot of crazy stuff, and nearing the end of the year makes me feel good about all the changes that have happened. There have certainly been times when I have guessed if what I was doing was the 'right thing'... but at this point I feel good about most things in my life.

On a random side note -- John Mayer makes the oddest faces while singing.

Happy Holidays to all -- I'll send my customary "Happy Chrismahannakwanzicah" out to you all!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


Just a little something I wrote today... it feels unfinished, but I thought I'd share it.

Despite the fact that I have not seen a single drop of rain, the ground is soaked. Droopy leaves are all huddled together, doing their best to continue shouting that fall is still here! Winter has not yet driven us away! The blacktop driveway is glistening, like some sort of strange, tar ice pit. While the sky resembles weather approaching a storm, it seems that somehow everything is just WET. It is a shame that it has happened this way. I actually enjoy the sound rain falling -- to skip my favorite part of an otherwise miserable activity is a pretty disappointing. No matter -- in a few minutes the sky has opened up, and I can barely see across the street through the downpour. The sound is like a breeze blowing through a thousand trees, leaves quivering with the excitement of so much wet and motion. Once the rain has slowed so the outdoors are once again visible, I notice that everything seems a bit more vibrant. It is always like this with the rain… the grass seems greener, cheering on the nutritious shower; trees somehow seem taller, their branches outstretched to drink in every drop possible; even cars look newer, shining with the fresh coat of gloss. It is amazing to me that all of this has happened in the span of half an hour… wind and water working together to refresh, rejuvenate.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

After I have Dreamed -- for real!

I am quite used to weird dreams. It is kind of what I do. I've had nightmares since I was about 12 years old, and they have always woken me up, and made it difficult to actually sleep -- I've even had the occasion where I know I'm in a dream, but I get "stuck". Willing myself to wake up from the terrors in my mind, I am unable to do so. Last night was a new experience for me. Through some series of events in my nightmare, I was shot in my right leg. After being shot I woke up to find my WHOLE LEG IN PAIN. My calf was all cramped up, and it took a bit of stretching to get myself comfortable enough to finally go back to sleep. So my question is this: Was my leg in pain because of the dream, or did I dream that because I was already in pain? It was very weird. The only time I've had physical manifestation from my dreams is maybe waking up crying or something to that effect. It just makes me wonder really about the power of the mind.

Monday, November 24, 2008

And it is with the holidays approaching that I make this next post.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a fan of the holiday season. Furthermore, you know why. Having lost my Mother makes it difficult to celebrate a time of year that was so special to her, and that she always made very enjoyable for my sisters and me. This year, however, I am giving it the ol' college try (which Adam says means I'm NOT trying... but you know what I mean). Adam and I went and got a tree -- it's kind of a little Charlie Brown tree (it's fake), but it is still pretty cute. We have blue and white ornaments on the tree, with white lights. It is very simple. Coming down the stairs of our townhouse to see this lit tree reminds me of coming down the stairs in our house in Pocomoke; Seeing the twinkling lights, and feeling the warmth and excitement that Christmas brought as a child. Admiring all of the ornaments that my mom had kept through the years. The weird misshapen ones that we made as projects in kindergarten or sunday school, and all the ones that we had received as gifts. So, as you can imagine, I have tremendous mixed feelings about trying to enjoy the holiday. There is now, and I feel will always be, a vast empty whole where my mothers presence should be, and for whatever reason it becomes just a bit more tender at the holidays.

Friday, November 14, 2008



There is a lot of meaning contained in that one word. One word that causes joy, elation, sorrow, depression, and most usually confusion. I have been pondering most of my life relationships recently. What do they mean to me? Why are they important? What are the things that I am willing to forgive, and what are the things that are unforgivable? Is complicated a bad thing? Is everyone complicated? Even just a year ago, my answer to most of these questions would have been quite different. It seems that no matter how much we "mature" there is always the possibility for drama worthy of a high school prom queen. I see this in most peoples lives, of all ages. There is always a person who wants to argue, wants to create a situation. Even if they seem much past the point of such adolescent behavior, they can still stir it up with the best of them.
I also wonder how unrealistic some expectations are. There is no "perfect" relationship. If you see someone, and think they have it, you are mistaken. No one is 100% happy, 100% of the time. Most people have some sort of baggage that they will bring into a relationship. I just wonder how much that baggage will affect the success of the relationship. This is more of an introspective thought -- I have certain 'issues' that I bring to the table -- based largely on past relationship experiences. Does that make me condemned to repeat my actions with those I love? I certainly hope not.

Before this gets too blabby or personal, I will sign off.
Have a great weekend!

Friday, October 31, 2008

I am very ready for this election to be over... more over, I am done talking politics with people. Unless you are actually undecided, there is no point. Short of Obama being revealed as a child molester, I'm not changing my mind. I agree more with Obama than I do with McCain. Period. If you agree more with McCain, good for you! I'm sick of people fighting about things that they won't change their mind about. It's not just politics -- it goes for religion, family values, etc... I firmly believe if you locked a very conservative, faithful christian and a very conservative faithful muslim in a room for two days, told them to pick one religion to agree on, they would still both come out their own religion. Very rarely do people just change. Which is fine! It would be very boring if everyone agreed on everything -- but can we stop being assholes about it? Agree to disagree, I suppose would be the way to put it.

Heading up to salisbury this weekend - hoping to spend time with the Sisters, and see some friends. We are also singing at the church my mom went to. That should be interesting :)

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Weight Matter.

This post might be a lame topic to some people -- I am forewarning you!

Weight in the Media

I have always known that as a society, we are obsessed with the way people look. There are an infinite number of magazines dedicated to scrutinizing celebrities bodies, and offering miracle diets for the less worthy, but still weight obsessed, general public. People do hydro-colonic, drink maple syrup, eat nothing but a cube of cheese, all in the hopes to have the perfect body. While I will admit to being somewhat of a pop-culture whore (I like to know what is going on) I am always frustrated by this focus of weight. Now, there are two reasons that made me actually want to write about this. 1) is the recent focus on Eva Longoria and her drastic weight gain for a TV show role. First of all, let me just say, I don't watch Desperate housewives. I don't pay particular attention to Eva Longoria in general, but when people started freaking out about her weight I looked at pictures. I really don't see a difference. She got a hair cut? She looks fabulous. I will be thrilled to have a body like hers. Well, in reading an article where Ms. Longoria was actually interviewed she stated that she gained SEVEN POUNDS. That is it!!! I feel like this is ridiculous! She said she didn't even change sizes, she is still a SIZE ZERO. Ok, so everyone is freaking out that this woman is ballooning -- and she still wears a size zero. This is insane. INSANE. Are we really that obsessed? I think so. This brings me to
2) My own weight. While I myself have not changed sizes, I recently weighed myself and found out that I weigh 145 pounds. I am 5'7". I eat fairly well. I am active. And somehow, in the last 2-3 years I have gained 20 pounds. Now, mind you, I have gotten married, which I know occasionally will make people gain weight. My clothes still fit, but there are bloated days when I feel exceptionally "blarg", and putting a certain pair of jeans might not be appealing. It is more the NUMBER that is bothering me. 20 pounds! How could I gain that much weight and not really notice? I don't know. Even more disturbing is the fact that the thought went through my mind to try one of these crazy maple syrup diets! I don't think i'm fat. I think that I still look good in my clothes. I may be a bit curvier now than I was (ok, I definitely am), but generally speaking I feel ok. Adam thinks I look great, and I think he loves my curves. I am not unhealthy, obese or even chubby. So why does it matter? It shouldn't. But it does. And it drives me crazy that despite my best efforts to just feel good about myself, there is a magazine somewhere waiting to bereate me, and make me feel like trying to survive on air and only air for a few days.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I've got a lot on my mind at the moment. A lot I'd like to talk about, but not to share with the whole world as this does. Being in NC is hard for this reason -- I need a face to face with some friends, and it is really not accessible. So, I'm trying to keep from just blabbing it all out on here ... we'll see how that goes.

Presidential debate is on tonight -- I didn't watch the first one. I feel like I need to pay more attention to them, but at the same time I'm mostly getting my updates from the internets, and am feeling too lazy to be really involved in this election -- I dunno, maybe because I'm still hurt from the last election, ha :)

Monday, September 29, 2008


Okay, so I have TOTALLY sucked at updating. But here we go --

Things are still going well here -- Time seems to somehow get away from me. I guess I have no real markers for it. It doesn't really matter for my job what day it is -- a baby is pretty much the same everyday. Eat, Sleep, Poop, Cry -- not always in that order. But, this is most likely the reason for my lack of updating. My little sister called me Emo-tastic for having a blog -- but you know what, oh well. I hope this comes off as more reflective than emo, but if it doesn't, whatcha gonna do. I just made a new AIM name-- I've had the same one for a long time so, like the blog!, I got a new one.

This weekend was really great -- Sunday Adam and I stayed in our PJs and watched TV all day. It was fabulous. Charlotte is having a gas crisis because of the refinery in Houston being shut down because of a silly little hurricane! Psh. But, there is virtually no gas in Charlotte, and everyone is freaking out. Plus Wachovia was bought by CitiBank today, and Wachovia is one of the main Jobs here -- so we'll see how this goes. I don't know anything about Economics ( or "reflected-sounds-of-underground-spirits" -- ten points if you get that) so I can't really comment on all this mess, but it doesn't seem good to me. I think I shall try and find out more about what is going on, so I can formulate a real opinion on it.
I feel too scatterbrained at the moment to say anything of real substance. I am listening to music to avoid hearing the TV -- Adam is watching Heroes, and it's too creepy for me to watch right before bed. Okay, hopefully I'll rectify the crappy blog situation shortly.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


This weekend proved to be fabulous. It was really nice to spend time with new people, and just feel like we have friends! I do realize, though, that I miss my friends in Maryland A LOT. My sisters, C, and H and D especially.
Anywho, we went to dinner last night with M and C, and had a great time. Even if Adam did manage to drink an entire bottle of wine by himself -- which resulted in a very drunk husband. This morning, after convincing Adam that yes, he did have to get up, we met K and K for brunch! I actually felt busy, and it felt like part of our "new life" here. It was lovely. Took Simon to the dog park this afternoon, he only lasted about 45 minutes -- it was HOT here today. We have not had any hurricane issues yet.
Serious topic for the moment: Music.
I've really been trying to get back into listening to a variety of music. I feel that i forget sometimes how much I really love it, and how much it really affects me. Especially classical music. I can listen to a piece of music and feel happy or sad or a mixture of much more complex emotions. I remember how much I love opera, even if I can't understand any of it. Not only that, but I've been trying to revisit things like Ani Difranco, and some newer folk music (ie, Meiko -- lovely girl). I miss finding new music, and listening to the memories old music brings.
It feels good to be writing again, as well. I know most of this is useless, and lacking in entertainment value, but it feels good for me to just get things out there. While there are much more in depth things I would like to write about, I feel that this is not exactly my medium for such things.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


Religion has always been something of great interest to me. At present, I would not consider myself religious in any particular way. It seems difficult for me to find something that I truly believe in. For me, Christianity is definitely out. I stuck with that for a while, and my mind set is just too liberal for it. Not to mention there are just some aspects I find wholly unbelievable. I'm sure that there is no "perfect" religion -- something will always be questioned. I think part of the problem is many religions are based on ideas from thousands of years ago. We are not the same species we were then. Many people will argue that point -- but this is how I feel. Religious texts are sometimes taken much too literally. I feel that the texts themselves teach lessons that may be important, but how relevant is the content, the stipulations now? I am certain I believe in God in some form. I use the name God, because it is what I am most familiar with -- Should I find something agreeable where the deity is referred to by another name, it certainly would not bother me. I guess all this is coming from a desire to find something. Is it possible that no one religion or philosophy will satisfy me? Highly. Will I continue to look? Definitely.

Okay, after all that seriousness:
Adam and I are going out to dinner tonight with a couple we met at the dog park! I am very excited. We have already made friends with another couple, and so I really feel good that we will meet people with similar interests! Making friends was one of the things that I was really concerned about when moving, but I have absolutely no worries now. I met K a couple weeks ago, we have really hit it off! I look forward to getting to know her better and spend more time with her; we really seem to have a lot in common. Dinner tonight should be fun, too! M and C have also just recently moved to the area, and know no one. They have a cute dauchsaund/boston terrier mix that Simon ran away from:)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

First - revisited

So having said that I will be starting a new blog, I felt like I should do just that.

My husband and I just ran away. We left Maryland and decided to begin a life of our own. Of course we didn't truly run away, but some times it feels like it. Having only moved with my parents, or to a place I was already familiar with, moving so far is incredibly strange. It is very exciting to explore a new city, and I am thrilled with all the options and opportunities there are (even if I don't have anyone to attend the Ballet or Opera with me yet...) At times I feel deeply sad for leaving what was my home. I didn't realize until I'd left that it was, but I suppose that is the way life is at times. Moving has certainly made me reflect a lot. I've realized that one simple choice made differently would have completely changed where I am at this point. That thought is scary. How can one be sure the correct choice is made? I suppose you can't. I am fairly certain I am where I should be, and trying not to have regrets about anything, although that is a far more difficult task than the glittering lights of hollywood make it out to be.
I've more been thinking about the people in my life that I have left behind. The ones who I'm not in contact with now. I'm sure the last time we spoke I didn't think that that could be it. It really couldn't have been. I'll only go back to Maryland to visit people I already know and love... I doubt I'll be rekindling any old friendships at this point. In some cases it makes me feel like I'm losing someone, in others just a bewildered sense of mis-connection. Some people meant so much to me, and still do. Some of these people shaped me, on the inside. And here we are, not speaking, just existing as though the other was never truly important. And this makes me feel more like an adult. I need to relinquish the childish thoughts that everyone good remains in your life. It is disheartening to think of -- this whole piece of my life only exists inside of myself. And should the other person deem me so important, it may exist in them as well.


I decided that with a new location come new thoughts. Thoughts I may in fact want to share. This will be the second blog I have kept in my life -- the first one I maintained for several years. I considered going back to that one, but it didn't feel right. So, here i am, starting over in yet another facet of my life. If you'd like to come along for the ride, I certainly won't complain.