Glass Houses

Have you ever had one of those days you just wished you could do over? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and even though there might not be anything particularly wrong, you just feel... blah.

Yesterday was one of those days - I was cranky, in part, because it would have been my mom's 55th birthday. But also because I was tired, sick, and it was raining. Luckily, I've only had one baby to watch this week, as the other family is on vacation, but I spent most of the day coughing and washing my hands attempting not to infect my adorable charge.

Upon leaving work the sky looks as though it belongs in some sort of Edgar Allen Poe story -- dark and foreboding. As I drive home it begins to rain... which is fine. I don't really mind rain, aside from the irritation that comes when people forgot how to drive in it. I get home, and it's pouring, so I gather my stuff and run to the door, only to realize that Hub has indeed dead bolted the door on the inside -- so I can't get in. So here I am, standing in the rain, sick, tired, sad and irritated. So, I knock on the door, which is glass paneled on top (do we begin to see where this is going?), I don't hear Hub responding, so I decided to knock louder, also harder. Well, knocking hard on thin, 30 year old glass is a bad idea. My hand went THROUGH the glass and sliced my wrist open. Ok, great. There is a ton of blood, and I can't really see where is it sliced, but Hub opens the door and immediately we grab a towel, apply pressure and head to the ER. My first thought is that they are going to think I tried to slit my wrists and I'm going to have to deal with some sort of psych eval, but luckily no one even intimated that. The cut ended up being more to the side, and while it required 4 stiches, didn't really do much damage, other than making me feel like an idiot.

So, you know the old saying "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones" ? Well, they shouldn't knock on them, either.

Love and Ex.

Comic from xkcd.com -- no copyright infringement intended!

Things I've always wanted to say to my exes:

(these are in no particular order, I just thought it would be amusing to do...)

1) You were horrible in bed. I'm sorry for letting you think otherwise.
2) I thought you ruined my life, but really, you ruined yours.
3) I did love you, and I'm sorry.
4) I hope that I was wrong about you -- and I'm sorry you believed the lies.
5) I'm not sure why I liked you. Really. No idea.
6) You've become someone I don't know, and that makes me sad.
7) I wish things had ended better, but it was never meant to be.
8) Thank you for loving, caring and helping me change.
9) I'm sorry. Really. Very sorry.
10) The smallest. Really.


I'm sure there are a lot more... but it's interesting at this point in my life to look back and think what I would say to people if we still talked or if I had the balls. Some of it is amusing, some of it sad, and some of it... well, it's better not said anyway. Love is complicated. There is almost never a guarantee... and yet we all yearn for it, plunge into it, and plan our lives around it. Most of the people I actually dated in semi-longterm I could see myself evolving with, and then, obviously, at a certain point that changed. But did I change? Or you change? Or we changed? I guess we don't really know, only that when we do find that person, we know we are entangled and will work our asses off just to wake up next to them everyday.

Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

Rat's Nest

So, many apologies for my slacking updates -- between the holiday weekend, driving to Maryland, and fighting the swine flu, I've been a bit busy.

Ok, ok, so I don't really have the swine flu. But, I do have some godawful junk that has decided to rest itself in my sinus passages/chest. I am going to break down and actually call the doctor... after a week of not being able to breathe, I think it is time.

During this week of ailment I returned to Maryland (yet again) for Big Sister's graduation. It was wonderful! I can not begin to express how proud I am of her. She has had her of obstacles, but worked hard and she did it! I can only hope I will have the same motivation.

Sadly, I have not much else to report from my trip, because I ended up sleeping the whole time. I left early saturday afternoon, and by some miracle managed not to hit any traffic between on my way home... despite driving through VA Beach and the "big race" in Charlotte (I don't really know anything about this...)

I have been equally lazy upon my return, although I did go to work yesterday (and will today). So, last night all I wanted to do was sit on the couch, which I did, while watching Ratatouille. Now, I've already expressed my love of children's books and their relvance in adult life... this also carries over to movies. I especially like Ratatouille because of it unabashed support of following your passions. This isn't really a movie about doing the right thing, this is a movie about doing what makes you happy. While the scenario of a rat cooking is highly improbable, the message is clear and remains the same: Sometimes loving something is reason enough to do it, and following this passion can change your life, as well as those around you. Now, food is not generally considered a life changing subject -- there is no real adveristy to overcome with food, it does not have a troubled past and it has never really sparked heated political controversy (except for maybe this), but food is a part of our every day lives. And maybe, just maybe, if we allow ourselves to indulge and enjoy the food which makes us happy and reminds us of the warmest, dearest times in our childhood, we would all be a little bit happier. Forget detoxing, diets, fads and all that craziness. Good food can change your life, if only for a moment.

Mommy.

Yesterday was 7 years since the death of my Mommy. This large number, first of all, baffles me. How can I still feel so much loss and pain after 7 years? I am unsure -- but I know I miss her now, just as I missed her then. There are still moments where I decide I'm going to call her, only to realize she's not there. What I do have left are fabulous memories of the comfort, silliness and love provided to me by my wonderful Mother. I also have 2 beautiful sisters, without whom my life would be absolutely incomplete. I mentioned before that this is the first year we weren't all living in the same place -- but we managed, in 3 states and 2 time zones, to remember our mother as together as we could : With a tasty piece of tiramisu, something that my mother loved to eat, and in turn we love and remember her with.

The pictures here are from cell phones, and so the quality is not the greatest, but the fact that despite the distances my sisters and I were able to share our small memoriam with each other offers more comfort than it is possible for me to convey. I miss my sisters all the time -- I feel very fortunate to have them, and love them more than I can possibly express -- but not having them here on a day when I feel so empty is horrible. They are the only other people in the whole world who share the pain and loss of my mother in the same way. Even our father, who I know misses her greatly, mourns differently. My sisters and I , despite being radically different people, are essentially imprints of our parents, and when it comes down it, we are the memories of our mother for eachother. We can reminisce about all the things that happened when we were little, and only we can feel the bittersweet joy that comes from these rememberances. Oh, how lucky we are to have had these beautiful moments, but how tragic to see them all taken away.

I know that as my Big Sister graduates college (the first one of us to do so), it is that same bittersweetness she feels, as I felt when I got married, as Foo felt when she graduated high school, and as I'm sure we have felt and will continue to feel many times over. The excitement of moving forward in life, but the sadness that we are taking one more step away from the past which contains our mother. I know how proud my mom would be of all of us, and how much love she had.

When I visited the cemetery earlier this month, I brought flowers and small card -- despite my love of words and writing -- I was only able to write these, and they are the truest and closest to my heart:

Mommy,
I love you.
I miss you.
I think about you everyday.

Perks...

I actually haven't read this book in years but, like watching movies that make me cry, I'm drawn to this beautifully depressive book in an inexplicable way. It's fabulous in a slit-your-wrists kind of way, so even though I'd like to re-read it, I think I'll wait until May is over.

It seems to be one of the most honest modern books I've ever read -- perhaps it only seems so honest because I can relate. Either way, if you haven't read "the perks of being a wallflower" you should. Regardless of how it relates to your life. I think everyone could use the thoughtful depressant that is Stephen Chbosky occasionally.



So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

Foxy Rant

Megan Fox.

Now, she is being called the new "Angelina Jolie", yes? She has the sultry look, the "curves" (I'm certain she's still a size 2), and the long cascading hair. Ok. I can get behind that. Except for the fact that she. is. an. idiot. Really. Hub subscribes to Esquire, so I knew that she was on the cover and had made some less than shiny remarks about the lovely Scarlett Johansson. Ok, fine, whatever. While they make her seem vapid and shallow, whatever.

However, she is now on my shit list. I understand that not everyone will agree with my rather liberal views on life. That is fine. I'm totally an "agree to disagree" type of person. However, Ms. Fox is a self-proclaimed bisexual who has now said that, despite her own bisexuality, she thinks bisexual women are dirty. Yes. I'm not making this up. I just don't understand the point of this hypocrisy and perpetuating the bi-phobic mindset of both the straight and gay cultures. (That is not an all inclusive statement, I'm just saying that people across the board have negative opinions of bisexuals).

Now, tell me, Ms. Fox -- who do you expect to date you. I understand you're in a relationship with a man, and that is totally fine. But since you YOURSELF are bisexual, how could you now date a woman? Doesn't that go against your own standards? I just don't understand.

Personally, I think this is mostly for the attention. I'm sure she's been "gaysted" a few times in her day, and I appreciate her willingness to share those experiences with the whole world. However, the fact that she is a self-discriminating hypocrit is slightly infuriating to me.

Ok. /rant.

Nerd Alert.

First, let me apologize for the lack of substance in my recent updates. My brain is sad, pathetic mush and I can't offer you much more than these obscure updates, for fear of word-vomiting all over my blog and scaring the 5 people who actually do read this away.

This weekend was blah because it was mother's day weekend, but I did manage to keep myself busy. Saturday I went to the Beer, Bourbon and BBQ festival in South Charlotte, and drank a decent amount outside in the blazing sun. Saturday evening Hub and I went to Thomas Street Tavern, which was fabulous. I wore my new fedora, and loved it. I think other people think I'm a bit nuts, but I guess I like it that way.

Sunday I tried to ignore the fact that it was mother's day, other than a text to my sisters. Instead I went and saw Star Trek. Now, I've been pretty excited about this coming out -- when I was younger, my dad used to have the whole family sit down and enjoy episodes of Star Trek together. We mostly watched the Next Generation, but I'm still a fan of the original. Let me just tell you these 2 things: 1) It. Rocked. My. World. Seriously. 2) Whoever wrote the script did it BRILLIANTLY. They managed to "reset" the series so that they can now do whatever they want, with out pissing off fans of the original (although, i'm sure there are some irate fans).

Even if you're NOT a Star Trek fan, but like Sci-Fi (ie, Firefly, Heroes) I recommend just giving this movie a chance. It was stellar.

Live long and Prosper.

Fridayyyy

Simon Totally used to do that. ADORABLE.

Because it's Friday and my brain is fried. And I think people need to appreciate the adorableness that is the Pug :)

100 Acres

I'm having an Eeyore kind of month, so I thought I'd pay tribute to my favorite Winnie-the-Pooh character by dedicating this blog to him. First, you can find out his basic information at his wikipedia page -- what a helpful little site, that wikipedia. And now, you may bask in the glow of some of my favorite Eeyore-isms:

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.

If it is a good morning, which I doubt.
(after everyone else has said 'good morning')

End of the road... nothing to do... and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house

Thanks for noticing me.

If you ask me, when a house looks like that, it's time to find another one.

And to close out, a lovely little excerpt that I think embodies why I love Eeyore:

The old gray donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things.
Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

Also, after reading the "Tao of Pooh" I'd certainly recommend any one with an interest in religion, Taoism, Pooh, or all 3 to read it. It's a quick, lovely, thoughtful book.

Tweetle-eetle-eet

I would like to take a moment to discuss something pressing, that is affecting our everyday lives: Twitter. First is was blogging, then MySpace, then Facebook, and now Twitter has become the latest and greatest pandemic to sweep the nation.
Through the miracle of the "interwebs", which were so graciously bestowed on us by Mr. Gore, following the lives of the people you love (or, maybe, are obsessed with) has become more and more simple. Suzy's on vacation, but you don't know when she'll be back? Check her facebook. Can't remember when Julie's birthday is? MySpace will solve that problem easily enough. I actually think that there is no privacy or anonimity any more -- we all put all of our information out there, and those who would really want to locate us can do so.
I see Twitter as supremely perpetuating this "problem" (It's only a problem if you want it to be). Now, through this glorious program, I can pretend I'm friends with FAMOUS PEOPLE. Really. Liz Feldman? Clementine Ford? Ellen? Pink? Elisha Dushku? We're all totally buds. I'm ashamed to say that I've even tweeted at some of these people. Yes. Yes. I know I'm delusional. And I'm mostly sane. A bit pop culture obessed at times, perhaps, but generally sane. I'm not going to go off and stalk anyone - but this particular medium of "tweeting" is especially stalkerish. As if a few status updates a day on Facebook weren't enough, I may now view pictures of whereever you are (should you choose to post them) or read what ever random thought may run through your head.

Oy, oy people. What is going on? Any way, if you're on twitter and haven't added me... help me feed my addiction add me here!

Wedding

Ugh, so the wedding this weekend was horribly, miserably boring and I had no fun at all.

Oh, haha, just kidding. That was for Momma Bear and My Lawyer... who I was unable to update on the interesting pieces of my life, because apparently I write too much here. They decided they could decipher my true feelings about this weekend from reading my blog. Which they shall, in fact, be able to do...

First of all, let me say that the wedding was beautiful. Everything about it was lovely, and in my humble opinion, perfect for the Bride and Groom. It was a formal, evening wedding and the Cream, Black and Red theme was classic and gorgeous. And the Bride. Oh. My. God. We were all quite jealous of the Groom -- because she was stunning! And it wasn't the hair, the make up or dress that made her that way (though they were all amazing) it was the radiating smile she couldn't wipe off her face. I am so, so, so happy that she has found her one! :)

Leading up the wedding was equally fun and amazing. The really great thing about the bridesmaids was that we have all known each other since middle school/high school and have all been friends for this period of time. It was relaxing, silly and nostalgic and I think I can safely that we all really enjoyed spending the time together. Seeing all the girls dressed up was a lot of fun, and watching the Bride's kids be coerced into their formal wear was adorable.

The reception was wonderful -- good food, good friends and lots of wedding traditions (the garter toss, first dance, etc). Saw a few people I hadn't seen in a long time and watched the groomsmen get sloshed!

We stayed my Big Sister's house, and were persuaded to go out and get food with them -- however Hub and I were zombies the whole time and after scarfing down pizza at Flavors of Italy proceeded back to Big Sister's and passed out.

Had breakfast with friend in Princess Anne and then continued on the long drive home. Part of me can't believe we made it without crashing the car, because both of us were exhausted, but we did and I was rewarded with fabulous snuggle time from my little pug :)

May.

And here it is.

May has quietly crept up on me, as it seems to. I try, with no success, to ignore this month. As if I could skip it, I could forget all of the painful moments it brings. For those of you who don't know -- which I assume will be very few -- May is my "Mommy Month". Not only is it the month she died, but it was the month she was born, and the month the whole world chooses to celebrate their mothers, as they should. This is my first May out of state from my sisters. This May marks 7 whole years since I last saw, hugged, kissed, or held my mother.

I am trying to remember the strong, encouraging words I heard Maya Angelou speak just 2 months ago. Her mantra about honoring the everyday women who made you what you are. This is difficult now -- mourning is much easier. And while I do try to exemplify the life lessons my mother taught me, or helped me to learn, sometimes I just need to be sad because when it comes down to it, I don't do it that often. Now, my sisters will tell you that I'm the emotional crying one of the family, and compared to them that is certainly true. However, on the whole, thinking about the loss of my mother is something that is so painful and fresh, even after 7 years, that I don't usually allow myself the time to do so. New friends don't understand the pain, because it's not something I showcase. Those who have been through the ordeal with me know the long, winding road it has taken me to become a functioning, semi-emotionally stable human being. The time I spent running from my family because it hurt too much to be around them, the poor crazy relationship (or lack of) decisions that I made. Shutting people, even my best friend, out until I finally broke down and couldn't take it any more.

When it really comes down to it -- I'm still a mess, and I'm fairly certain I will always be a mess. It's part of who I am. While I may be able to deal with my mother's death better now, it is no less painful than it was 7 years ago. However, I've started to learn how to not let the pain interfere with the wonderful and happy memories I have with my Mommy.

So, here's to May. I'll make it through.


like my father's come to pass / seven years has gone so fast /wake me up when September ends / here comes the rain again/ falling from the stars / drenched in my pain again / becoming who we are / as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost / wake me up when September ends

Green Day