For me.

And so, in this ever evolving state of self, I have learned the following things:

I am a difficult person to get to know.
Silence and alone time are more important to my sanity than anything else.
I talk too loudly. And occasionally too much.
I am terrible at returning phone calls.
My sarcasm is sometimes unintentionally mean.
I am, despite protests, a largely "type A" person.
I am periodically pretentious.
I demand a lot from those I allow to be close to me.
I am looking for honesty.
I am only interested in people who are a bit of a mess.
I am not ready to date.
I am just as confused about the way life works as I was ten years ago.
Reading makes me happier than most other activities.
I frequently forget that I am a grown up.
It is OK for me to make selfish decisions.
It is also OK for me to change my mind.
I'm not sure that I'll ever know who I am for more than a moment, and I am beginning to like that.

This list is not well written, terribly interesting, or even relevant to any one but myself. It is incomplete and ever changing. In this moment, in these days of frustration and low self esteem, it helps me to see a picture of the person I think I am. It will help me to see where I am going. And, in my increasingly unpredictable life, it may just push me to work a little harder to be a better self.

Blah.

I just feel weird. And vulnerable. And a little bit needy. Today was a weird kind of day, where I made some big/little/instantly gratifying decisions that have left me in a tumultuous frame of mind. I wish that I could take back some of the crazy that has occurred during today, but I can't. I think that I live inside my head so much that sometimes I forget that other people aren't privy to the insanity within. I tried to blame it on a full moon, sadly the moon is at 47% tonight (Yes, I looked it up). I'd like to blame it on hormones, or being a woman, or something, but when it comes down to it I think it was just one of those days where I feel out of sorts and am looking for some comfort, and am not exactly sure where I can turn to receive that comfort.
Sigh.

When All's Well...

I've made some big decisions in the last year. Ones that will affect the rest of my life, and whose consequences I have spent a great deal of time pondering. After this time of great contemplation have arisen other decisions that need to be made. Many of these have, for lack of a more PC term, stressed me the fuck out. They have been things that have made my life feel crazy, have made me a wreck, and just generally been displeasing to deal with. One of my friends made the suggestion that I stop thinking of things in such grand terms. Not every decision I make has to weigh in on the rest of my life. Sometimes, just thinking and deciding for now is all that you can do, and if it doesn't really make sense in the long term, well then, that is something you'll have to adjust. And so, this is what i am trying to do. While I have made lots of decisions that reflect my long terms goals, I've been making a few more rash decisions that are just making me happy right now. Is this selfish? Probably, but selfish seems to be the theme and I'm just going with it. I'm trying to give up a bit of control, trying to work through what is fulfilling and satisfying to me now. Do I think I'll get everything I want? Probably not. But I can be honest and forthcoming, and try to make the decisions that will fit my life and my happiness the best. It seems to me that this is the way life should be lived.

Beautiful Mess

One of the big adjustments to being single is not having someone who must listen to you when you are upset. The lack of intimacy, the space left where someone should be holding your hand. When you have bad days, for whatever reason, you are left to navigate them alone, unless you go out of your way to reach out for comfort. This reaching out has never been a strong point of mine. Instead, I'll shut myself in or pretend to others that I'm shining through the darkness.
Today was no good. Several events culminated to make it not good. In an attempt to make it better, I made plans to go out. Drink. Have a good time. Only when it came time to actually do it, I found that was not what I wanted. I found that what I wanted was some real time with someone. Some time to sit down and talk about how I was feeling, about what was upsetting me. Only, in my stubborn and and somewhat self deprecating mind I didn't feel I had that person to reach out to. Now, I'm sure that many of friends would have been willing to listen, including the ones with whom I had plans. But, that wasn't really what I wanted. The intimacy of knowing someone and really communicating is something that, in my opinion, doesn't happen very often. Instead, we end up drinking away and mashing through issues that require more time and attention than we seem to want to give them.
Reaching out would also mean vulnerability. Giving out a piece of myself that I'm not ready to. Yes, all of my friends know I'm a mess, but I'm at least a private mess. I don't have melt downs, don't have crazy days, at least not outwardly. Exposing that side to someone feels to dangerous. For now, exposing my crazy through weekly blog posts is enough for me...

insanity.

Ok, so I wrote a whole entry and had to delete it because it was just so damn dark. The combination of snow, midterms and my general life stress is making me a tad crazy. I'm sure it would have been wonderfully interesting for you to witness my lapse into insanity, but for now I think I'll keep that bit personal.
This week has been tough, if for no other reason than I'm actually trying to deal with things, instead of simply ignoring them, a tactic that I have employed for years. Honestly, I don't know why people do this... pretending everything is ok, and waiting out the shit seems much easier than being a responsible adult about things. I've also been trying to recover from the crap that settled in my chest, and am only sleeping in a codeine-infused cough medicine stupor.
School has felt overwhelming at moments, but I am managing to keep it mostly under control. Having 3 midterms this week is less than ideal, but once those are over I have a week of spring break! While I won't be sunning myself in beautiful Cabo, or skiing in some far off mountain resorand trying to regain some of my previously gained composure.

Life, as we know it.

So, I could write about my AMAZING trip to New Orleans. I could tell you that it was one of the best experiences of my whole life, and that spending 24 hours in a car with 2 people actually made us better friends. I could tell you that it started out terrifying, and ended beautifully. But, I don't think that anything I could say would really convey the amazing paragraph that this trip added to the book that is my life. It was beautifully written, and to try and share that with you, well, it would just feel watered down and unsatisfying.

Instead, I want to share with you that this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This is not an issue that I focus on a lot, but it is something that is important to me on a personal level. As one who has struggled with my body perception in the past, I can say that sometimes just letting a person know how beautiful and wonderful they are could really make a difference. To get more information go to http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

I'm done with my public service announcement. All for now.

Recovery.

Ok, so, I'll admit. Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any one, particular reason, but simply because I was feeling sorry for myself. I think I should be entitled to a day like that every now and then. A day where I won't judge myself for having a couple beers, while snuggling with my pug and crying. Ok, fine, pass judgment. I know I am. But, today is a new day, and I will continue to push forward through this mess.
As it is, I have already been a considerably better adult. Doing laundry, taking care of the pug, getting some homework accomplished. Despite this, I still feel an innate pull back to sadness. This is unexpected. I have spent the large majority of my life not being sad about things that require it. Childhood trauma made me numb to many of the things that could break other people. In fact, to this point, I thought that after the death of my mother nothing could really make me sad again.
It is with these feelings that I am trying to redefine, as I said yesterday. I am trying to make goals, however small they may seem to others, and push myself to accomplish them. I have found two short story competitions that I'm going to enter. I'm entering them, not because I think I'll win, or even because I think I'm that great of a writer, but because I love to write, and feel like I have things to say. Plus, you have to start somewhere, and I think this will motivated me to polish some of my writing.

Identity

So, in my haze of self-realization and honesty I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing. I know, shocking. Trying to find and maintain identity with this realization is a bit of a struggle, and at this point I am feeling simply frustration. In trying to answer fundamental questions about myself (things like: who am I really? What is it that I want? or even simply What am I going to major in?!) I have realized that to different people I am different things. Is this part of being an adult? compartmentalizing who you are? I certainly hope not. However, I find myself being different people at different times. Revealing only what I deem to be appropriate for the situation, and then hiding the rest. Sometimes, I care far too much about what other will think of me, and this needs to stop.
It is in this vein of thought that I feel I should at least mention the reason for my temporary insanity. Being 25 and going through a separation is not something that I necessarily wish to broadcast, but feel that for my own selfish purposes it's a fact I should put out there. I am now living with a roommate, instead of a spouse. I am trying to readjust my whole life, and find out who I am individually because that is not something I did very well while married.
Perhaps this is what would be deemed a quarter life crisis, although I'm not really a fan of that term. I think that people should be allowed, and encouraged, to continually evolve. To find out who and what they really are. If and when that changes, it is the beauty in life that allows us to adapt and grow with each flexing moment.

Where I'm very honest.

Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.

What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.

I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.

In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.

Class Ramblings

This semester, I am enrolled in a course entitled "Global Connections". It is a liberal studies requirement from the university, however, I have the feeling that this could be one of my favorite classes, not just for this semester, but through the course of my college career.

The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.

The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.

Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.

2010

Most people take the start of a New Year to reassess their lives, rethink their goals, realign expecations and begin again in a way that seems to only be offered by the presence of a new calender.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.

Happy New Year, all.