Friday, October 2, 2009

Definition


Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.

Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.

So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.

In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?

I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.

For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Going, going...

Quick! I have 15 minutes before I need to get to my next class!

Obviously, things have been absurdly busy. I am no longer privy to long, leisurely evenings that allowed me to enlighten the world with my lilting, beautiful writing. Or, you know, write hurried and often neurotic blog posts. Same thing.

College is excellent. For real. I could not be happier with my decision to go back. I'm enjoying my classes and doing well in most of them. Chemistry is ... we'll see how that continues to go; I am optimistic that the first exam was a fluke, and that I will do better from here on out. We'll see. Everything else is going fairly smoothly, even if the only thing I've had time to write has been the random essays assigned to me in my English class.

Work is fun. I can't say that I'm thrilled to be working as much as I am, but I really love Amelie's (The amazing and fabulous French Bakery where I work), and the people and customers make me enjoy my time there. There is the slight issue of my ass getting a little bigger, and so I'll have to control my desire to eat everything in the cases... but other than that I am proud and delighted to be a part of such a great place.

I've been attempting to be at least a bit involved on campus, I've applied for a Freshman Leadership program (I met with the director, she encouraged me to apply, even though I'm old) and I'm trying to get involved in the production of the vagina monologues, although the Women's Studies department that hosts the event is a little less enthusiastic about the cause than I would like. I will officially start engineering classes next semester (YAY!) and have determined that if I take 2 summer classes, I should be on par with the rest of the Engineering students, and on track for only 4 lovely years here at UNCC.

Alright, the halls are filling with chattering students, my signal to moooove along.

Oh, also, my hair is purple. ish. I'm pretty happy to be able to funk things up again.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

How quickly...


Oh, Maryland. How I miss and love you! I had the fortune of driving up to MD a week and a half ago to visit my little sister, who was home on leave. Foo Foo looks great, and it made me ridiculously happy to be in the same house with BOTH of my sisters at the same time. We went to a cool brewery that opened in Delmar, had dinner at my Dad's an just had some lovely sister time. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera, and as such have NO PICTURES. But we were all together. with our dogs. I promise!
Other than visiting my loved ones, I've just been doing the usual : Work, School, Homework, Study. I'm finding the studying thing to be the best -- especially for my math class. Obviously, most of the people in my classes are 18, and coming right from high school... so they don't need as much of a refresher as I do. My class is fast paced, which I like, but it leaves me teaching myself some things, simply because I'm the only one who hasn't been acquainted with the material recently. One of the women I work with asked if I felt like I was at a disadvantage... I'm not sure that I would call it that precisely, but I definitely will be working harder for my grades, at least this semester while I adjust and reacquaint.
The most exciting part of my week? RIVER IS LOSING HER TEETH! It's so weird! I guess with Simon, he ate them, so I never saw them. They are super tiny and cute. If teeth can be cute. I looked it up to make sure it was ok, and she seems to be right on schedule for having all of her adult teeth in a month or so. I'd been a bit concerned that she wasn't eating well, and I suppose it's because her teeth have been bothering her! This morning Hub made her an egg, and she was very happy to eat that, and even managed to eat some of her dry food. They grow so quickly!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

It only gets better with...

(I took this picture last year at Childress Vineyards, when coming to look for a place to live. Who knew moving to NC would bring such large changes to my life!)

Now that I've settled into a routine, I can honestly say that being back in school is a) weirder than I thought it would be and b) more of an adjustment. As a person who has done a lot of "personal renovations" (of the mental/spiritual/philosophical/confidence kind) over the last few years, it is very strange for me to be in a setting where I have, for the most part, no power. I am very used to interacting with people who are older and have more education than I do... and am used to being viewed as a peer or equal. The fact that I have friends who are the same age, and with similar education as some of my professors is a bit disconcerting. I want to have more of a conversation, but college is not a conversation. It is a "sit down and learn what I'm saying". I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it's a weird feeling to be at the bottom of the totem pole again.
As far as the adjustment goes -- it's a scheduling thing. I've been used to coming home, having some wine, taking naps, going to the park, etc, etc. Now I am a slave to my schedule -- when am I working? When is class? When is this assignment due? Do I have enough time? It's resulted in my getting up too early, and going to bed too late. Despite this, I am very happy with my decision to return to school, even if it's taking a moment for me to get my brain in learning/studying mode. I feel very frustrated at times that I didn't get my act together sooner... knowing that I could have completed school already, and be in my career. It's very difficult not to look back like that, but I stumbled across this beautiful quote, that is very well stated, and means a lot to me:

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I've got all my life to live...


I've survived! I'm almost done with my first week of class (just one more tomorrow), and I have experienced a range of emotions this week: Elation, anxiety, frustration, interest, disgust, confusion, pride, nostalgia... and I could go on. Classes have been really great, although I think that blogging has ruined my writing "etiquette" and so I'll have to brush up on that.
It's been difficult for me to decide what exactly (outside of the academic learning) is interesting me the most. Is it the way that the 18 year old freshman react in class? Or is it the constant connectedness that is apparent all over campus -- iPhones, Laptops, Blackberries?
First, let me say that the second time around is quite different for me. I know what I want to do, I'm very committed and highly motivated. I know that when I was younger, my mind sent was not exactly the same, but SURELY I was never as flippant as the kids in my classes? Right? Why is so cool to spend 7,000+ a year on college, only to slack off and not attend class? I guess I just don't get it.
And moving on... I am ALL for social media. I think it is great. Fantastic, even. Being on twitter has connected me to Charlotte in a way that is mind blowing. Pretty much everything I know about Charlotte now comes from twitter. I follow interesting people, and have actually managed to make friends with a few people, just by "tweeting" at them. Very cool. But when is it too much? When are we crossing the line of "acceptable, informing communication" into "self-obsessed, absurd vanity"? The only thing I can keep thinking is Narcissus. When will this happen to us? One day, when the phone breaks or we're out of service range on vacation, how will we react? Will we take the sword and end it all, simply because we have no access to this wonderful reflection of ourselves? Ok, it's dramatic but, honestly, how far is it from the truth?

Monday, August 17, 2009

A change will do you good.


This is a moment when I know my life has changed. It is 11:30 on a Monday, and I am very awake, having just returned from playing pool. In the last year (probably a bit more) my life has changed drastically. I have not only changed cities, but changed states. I have changed jobs (twice now), moved from a 2 bedroom apartment, to a 2 bedroom townhouse. Bought a puppy. Cut my hair. Changed my entire life. Last week, I was a nanny with no direction. This week, I am a student. On my way to using all the beautiful intelligence I have been gifted.
I can very honestly say that I have made more changes in the last year than I have in the 7 years since my mom died. And much of that was fear. But, I'm determined to move past all that, in into my real life. The life where I continue to be fun and spontaneous, but also smart and responsible. The life where I make choices that make me happy, instead of make me safe. Having just returned from a pool hall (where I've never been, and am btw HORRIBLE at) I sit here and am able to fully recognize the massive changes in my life. Perhaps it was the 2 beers. Or the warm weather. Or the snuggling dogs. But whatever it is, this is the moment. My life, in a matter of a few hours, has changed and I couldn't be more thrilled. I am working at a bakery, which I adore, I am studying engineering -- something I didn't really think I'd have the balls to do, and I am loving, living and exploring more than I ever have in my adult life.
I'm done with the regrets. Moving on from the mistakes. Trying to leave the emptiness and sadness behind. Big, wide, beautiful world : Here I Come. Please be ready.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Time...


Hi, my name is Carol, remember me? I used to blog on a regular basis. And now, due to my life exploding and becoming insane, I can barely get in a regular update.

I am really going to try and be much better about this, if only so that I can have this is reflect in/on in the future. So, I feel like a lot has happened since I've last updated. Big thing: I got into UNCC! I'm pretty stoked about it, although not as confident as I had previously been about my track. While I love writing, I don't want to teach. And I would really like a bachelors that allows me to do something I enjoy, so I'm looking into something more in the science/math field, because as we all know, Math is My Life! So, I was officially accepted on friday (the picture is of one of the main buildings on campus), and classes start in oh, two and half weeks, so I am frantically trying to get everything together so that I can start. On top of all this, I am job searching, as my nanny job is over the friday before classes start! Let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for the word "recession". I have sent out resumes to at least 50 jobs, most of which were simple receptionist positions, and have gotten 3 phone calls. One was a scam, the other didn't work because of timing, and the third is an interview I have with a temp agency on friday. In the meantime, I'm pretty much driving myself crazy stressing out about every little thing. I try really hard not, but some times it is difficult. Although I feel I'm doing a better job of it than I usually do. This past weekend was very helpful in that -- Hub and I took the puppies down to Atlanta and spent some time with very quality people, who always make me feel loved, and always help me to relax.

I've also begun the task of sorting through some boxes of pictures that I got from my dad. Let me tell you, that is a long walk down memory lane. Sometimes the pictures make me happy, and sometimes they me melancholy or wistful. Either way, I'm very glad to have them.

Ok, that is all for now.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Politics and Life


I've had a lot of things I've wanted to say lately, but haven't really had the time to sit down write them out properly.

Many things about politics, the focus of the media, and the distractions that are being offered up instead of actual news. Please keep in mind this coming from a democrat who very proudly voted for Obama -- all of this is very frustrating to me. I really put my trust into a system that I feel has always been, well, off kilter or unfair, and I really thought that would make a big direction change. Maybe it's unfair to judge this harshly 6 months in, but Obama gave us HUGE promises, direction and most of all HOPE. While I know that some people still think of him as too liberal, in my eyes he is not liberal, at least not the liberal we were promised.

On top of all my infatuation with news as of late, I have been job hunting (yikes) as well as trying to sort out what I'm doing for school in the fall. Once I have more concrete news on that, I'll be sure to let you know.

Happily, my puppies are doing fabulously, and River is now TEN POUNDS. Less than 2 months ago she was a shrimpy 4 pounds, so she's growing well, and Simon and River absolutely love eachother.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Calm.


Ok, so, I'd typed out this long whiny entry, and the decided to delete it. I'm going to attempt to keep the "positive energy" going, and say how thankful I am for the things I have in my life. While I may at times get frustrated, hurt or sad, I love my family, my friends, and my puppies. I am lucky enough to live in a nice place, with running water, electricity, internet and cable tv. I have no idea what real hunger feels like. I am educated, informed and have many opportunities, I only have to have the courage to follow through with them. While I have had some terrible things happen to me and those I love in my life time, I have always had the support and love of others to get me through those times. It is very easy to take for granted these beautiful things that we all have, and I am trying to realize this. I am trying to better myself in many ways at the moment - and this is a journey I am just beginning. The journey of self-satisfaction and self-worth. A desire for a sometimes more simple way of life and happiness. A higher understanding of my place in the big, big world, and an acceptance that things will happen as they will, and aside from trying my hardest at whatever my endeavour, there is not much else I can do.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Kindness of Strangers


So, for some unknown reason my spell check was not working last time, so my apologies for my inability to spell certain things...

As some of you may know, I am in the present position of searching for a job. My contract with my families is over at the end of August, and I have decided to leave the world of Nannying behind for something a bit more secure, or at least something that would allow me to collect unemployment should I find myself in that position. I have been frantically submitting resumes, and trying to battle this dreary economy in which we reside. Pretty much all of my experience is in Health Care, and as such, that is where I am looking. It's rather difficult: I'm still relatively new here, and because I am a Nanny I have not really had much option to expand my social network to include many professionals. Enter Stranger. While at the dog park on Sunday with the two pooches, I struck up conversation with a couple who also had a young puppy and was playing with River. In the course of the conversation it came up that I was looking for a job. Stranger said he used to work for a health care company, and knew some of the higher level executives here in Charlotte and would be happy to pass along my resume. I must say, this was tremendously encouraging. Not because I expect anything to come of it, or to magically find a job, but because this stranger offered to help me. Asked nothing in return, and really doesn't even know me. But, I e-mailed him my resume, and he forwarded it on as promised, and the sent me a very encouraging e-mail.

I don't always have the greatest faith in mankind as a whole, but finding these golden people who will be selfless and think nothing of it is a shining point. I certainly plan to repay the favor as well as I can -- not nessicarily to him, but to some other person who may be in need of a hand.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Tattoos


I feel that "these days" most people have tattoos. It's a pretty common place thing, and even the most bedecked of people don't get super strange looks from our generation. I have 2. And I love my 2. But I want many many more. The image to the right is what I would like, most likely, my next one to be. As it stands this is one of at least 5 tattoos I plan to get -- and I'm sure I'll end up wanting more. I don't plan to go on my arms or lower legs, and I want to leave my stomach area alone, so that should I ever be pregnant I won't end up with enormous blobs. A lot of people (especially elder folks) tell me how much I'll regret it when I'm older and such, but I honestly don't think I will. All the things I do have meaning to me , and when I'm older they will simply be reminders of parts of my life.
Having said all this I am really looking forward to having my next one done, although I don't know when that will be -- tattoos can get expensive, and some of the ones I want are larger and a bit more involved. Although, This one isn't too bad. So, we'll see. Anyhoodle, I hope I end up with some new ink shortly, so I can share it here.

(didja catch that Salty?)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Patriotism.


Anyone who knows me can tell you I'm not the most patriotic American. I don't hate America, but I'm not blinded by the lights shining at us. I don't believe that we are the greatest nation on Earth, and I think that we have a lot of work to do. I can't really speak on many of the fiscal matters -- that has never really interested me. I know we're in a recession and it sucks. I don't know enough about the stimulus plan to really make comments on, so I'll leave that alone. The matters that most concern me are the social ones. The equality ones. The ones that deal directly with the people, and how they are viewed and treated by our government.

Obviously the big issue right now is "The Gay". With Don't Ask, Don't Tell and Gay Marriage on the forefront of political issues. I hope this is not ignorance speaking, but I firmly believe we are headed in a positive direction on that front. It helps that we have a more tolerant leader, but he is certainly not the only reason I feel this way.

Our country has a history of resistance to Change. From The Holocaust to Desegregation to Women's voting rights, we have had to fight our hardest to be recognized and once laws were passed, to overcome the prejudices. While I know many of these prejudices still exist, they are now in the minority. I believe in our country and in our government to do the right thing. I believe that 40 years from now we will think it was ridiculous that there was such a hoopla over having gays in the military and letting people marry who they love. I believe that there will still be conservative, religious families who don't agree, but I also believe that we will not interupt their faith by acting on our rights. I believe that people are starting to understand that loving someone isn't really hurting anyone else, while it might not be your cup of tea, it's ok that it's some one elses.

Many of this is new to me. This feeling of accomplishment. I am too young to really remember any major political rifts, and so this will be the torch that I carry. Belief that, in the words of Lt. Dan Choi, Love is Worth It.

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.

Anne Frank

Thursday, July 2, 2009

4th


I'm really really really really really really ready to be off work so I can go to Maryland now.
Kthxbai.

Everyone have a super 4th of July. And please, don't blow your hands off with fireworks.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Nothing, Nothing, Tra la la


As i'm sure you've all noticed, I am suffering from severe writer retardation. Not block, because I am able to write, but it all becomes this... MUSH. There is no other word for it. I'll start off at a fairly good pace, and then it all dissolves into nothingness, totally off point and going nowhere. Ah, well. It may have something to do with life stress and being out of town all the time. I need to "recharge my batteries". Not really sure when I'll get a chance to do that... heading up to MD on Thursday for the 4th of July weekend.
I'm sure at some point my brain will come back, and I'll have coherent things to offer you.
For now, amoung all the deaths this past week, I leave you with the lovely image of Farrah to ogle. She ought to take your mind off the fact that I haven't said anything at all quite nicely. Yes.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Pride!


Happy Pride, People! And not just to the GLBTQ (or bananas, as I was informed this weekend) community, but to everyone. Be proud of who you are, and enjoy the differences in life.

Thanks, Mr. Obama, for at least acknowledging the gays, even if you are kind of ignoring them otherwise -- it's official.

More on this later...

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Curves Ahead.



Body image is something I've talked about a couple times here -- because being a woman in my mid-twenties (yikes!) it is something that is at the forefront of all my pop culture obsessions (if you hadn't noticed I am, in fact, obsessed). A few months ago I had conceded that I was no longer the stick thin girl I was in high school. But it's finally dawned on me that I have Curves. Now, they aren't huge or anything -- I'm no Dita Von Teese -- but, now that I have accepted this fact, I have been able to find clothes that fit better, and that flatter me much more than trying to wear things that make me look like a stick. I consider this a big step. I've always had shaky self confidence, for various reasons that could be quite psychologically probed, and the fact that I am able to feel great about how I look is very comforting. I also chopped all my hair off. I'd been growing it out, partly for the wedding I was in in May, but I considered letting it grow because it's just prettier and more feminine that way. But, you know what? Fuck that. I love having short hair. It makes me feel good, it's easy and I feel like myself. I guess when it comes down to it -- the only person I need to make happy is me, and the other people who still love me after that are the ones I should feel lucky to have in my life.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Preppy!


I, in no way, condone stalking. I think that for the most part the paparazzi are absurd and ridiculous. This being said, I can't help myself. I read people.com -- simply so I don't die from depressing news. In the mornings, I sign into my iGoogle, where all the latest headlines are very conveniently displayed, I begin this downward spiral of news depressants. In the US -- hate crimes, political disagreements, and a failing economy; All over the world -- bombings, hate crimes, more political unrest, nuclear tests, unjust imprisonment and so forth. So, I enjoy taking ten minutes to peruse people.com -- this is something I certainly used to feel guilty for. I try not to get involved in the trashier subjects (affairs, etc) but, looking at the new fashions, or the hilarious things people wore on the red carpet can sometimes be a nice change of pace. Again, I really feel sorry the celebs who are constantly stalked and can't get a minute alone, but things like the red carpet or award shows -- I'll take. Also, for something REALLY funny and nostalgic watch, do yourself a favor and watch this. I laughed very hard, and totally watched SBTB the next day... I still <3 Zack Morris.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Puppppy!


So, for those of you have not already been bombarded by my facebook page, i'm announcing that a new addition is being added to my clan : a little girl boston terrier by the name of River Tam :) She is coming home on Friday (!!!!!) and I am barely able to contain my excitement. I'm still not really sure how Simon is going to take this, but I know there will be a period of adjustment and I'm sure they'll end up loving eachother. As I've stated before, I really, really love Simon and I'm sure that my heart will only expand to accomodate the same kind of love for River.

Also, if you're not in the know, Simon and River Tam are brother and sister on the most amazing show ever created : Firefly. So, this doesn't make me a geek, it only makes my dogs really bad ass.


I swear! It does!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Gratitude


I actually thought this was really nice -- while I might not always agree with the cause, I always support our troops. Take a look here at this new campaign. And you can take a moment out of your day to send a quick card to a soldier serving overseas here.

I suppose I'm a bit late for memorial day, but I do what I can!

Friday, May 29, 2009

Glass Houses


Have you ever had one of those days you just wished you could do over? You wake up on the wrong side of the bed, and even though there might not be anything particularly wrong, you just feel... blah.

Yesterday was one of those days - I was cranky, in part, because it would have been my mom's 55th birthday. But also because I was tired, sick, and it was raining. Luckily, I've only had one baby to watch this week, as the other family is on vacation, but I spent most of the day coughing and washing my hands attempting not to infect my adorable charge.

Upon leaving work the sky looks as though it belongs in some sort of Edgar Allen Poe story -- dark and foreboding. As I drive home it begins to rain... which is fine. I don't really mind rain, aside from the irritation that comes when people forgot how to drive in it. I get home, and it's pouring, so I gather my stuff and run to the door, only to realize that Hub has indeed dead bolted the door on the inside -- so I can't get in. So here I am, standing in the rain, sick, tired, sad and irritated. So, I knock on the door, which is glass paneled on top (do we begin to see where this is going?), I don't hear Hub responding, so I decided to knock louder, also harder. Well, knocking hard on thin, 30 year old glass is a bad idea. My hand went THROUGH the glass and sliced my wrist open. Ok, great. There is a ton of blood, and I can't really see where is it sliced, but Hub opens the door and immediately we grab a towel, apply pressure and head to the ER. My first thought is that they are going to think I tried to slit my wrists and I'm going to have to deal with some sort of psych eval, but luckily no one even intimated that. The cut ended up being more to the side, and while it required 4 stiches, didn't really do much damage, other than making me feel like an idiot.

So, you know the old saying "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones" ? Well, they shouldn't knock on them, either.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Love and Ex.

Comic from xkcd.com -- no copyright infringement intended!

Things I've always wanted to say to my exes:

(these are in no particular order, I just thought it would be amusing to do...)

1) You were horrible in bed. I'm sorry for letting you think otherwise.
2) I thought you ruined my life, but really, you ruined yours.
3) I did love you, and I'm sorry.
4) I hope that I was wrong about you -- and I'm sorry you believed the lies.
5) I'm not sure why I liked you. Really. No idea.
6) You've become someone I don't know, and that makes me sad.
7) I wish things had ended better, but it was never meant to be.
8) Thank you for loving, caring and helping me change.
9) I'm sorry. Really. Very sorry.
10) The smallest. Really.


I'm sure there are a lot more... but it's interesting at this point in my life to look back and think what I would say to people if we still talked or if I had the balls. Some of it is amusing, some of it sad, and some of it... well, it's better not said anyway. Love is complicated. There is almost never a guarantee... and yet we all yearn for it, plunge into it, and plan our lives around it. Most of the people I actually dated in semi-longterm I could see myself evolving with, and then, obviously, at a certain point that changed. But did I change? Or you change? Or we changed? I guess we don't really know, only that when we do find that person, we know we are entangled and will work our asses off just to wake up next to them everyday.

Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Rat's Nest

So, many apologies for my slacking updates -- between the holiday weekend, driving to Maryland, and fighting the swine flu, I've been a bit busy.

Ok, ok, so I don't really have the swine flu. But, I do have some godawful junk that has decided to rest itself in my sinus passages/chest. I am going to break down and actually call the doctor... after a week of not being able to breathe, I think it is time.

During this week of ailment I returned to Maryland (yet again) for Big Sister's graduation. It was wonderful! I can not begin to express how proud I am of her. She has had her of obstacles, but worked hard and she did it! I can only hope I will have the same motivation.

Sadly, I have not much else to report from my trip, because I ended up sleeping the whole time. I left early saturday afternoon, and by some miracle managed not to hit any traffic between on my way home... despite driving through VA Beach and the "big race" in Charlotte (I don't really know anything about this...)

I have been equally lazy upon my return, although I did go to work yesterday (and will today). So, last night all I wanted to do was sit on the couch, which I did, while watching Ratatouille. Now, I've already expressed my love of children's books and their relvance in adult life... this also carries over to movies. I especially like Ratatouille because of it unabashed support of following your passions. This isn't really a movie about doing the right thing, this is a movie about doing what makes you happy. While the scenario of a rat cooking is highly improbable, the message is clear and remains the same: Sometimes loving something is reason enough to do it, and following this passion can change your life, as well as those around you. Now, food is not generally considered a life changing subject -- there is no real adveristy to overcome with food, it does not have a troubled past and it has never really sparked heated political controversy (except for maybe this), but food is a part of our every day lives. And maybe, just maybe, if we allow ourselves to indulge and enjoy the food which makes us happy and reminds us of the warmest, dearest times in our childhood, we would all be a little bit happier. Forget detoxing, diets, fads and all that craziness. Good food can change your life, if only for a moment.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Mommy.


Yesterday was 7 years since the death of my Mommy. This large number, first of all, baffles me. How can I still feel so much loss and pain after 7 years? I am unsure -- but I know I miss her now, just as I missed her then. There are still moments where I decide I'm going to call her, only to realize she's not there. What I do have left are fabulous memories of the comfort, silliness and love provided to me by my wonderful Mother. I also have 2 beautiful sisters, without whom my life would be absolutely incomplete. I mentioned before that this is the first year we weren't all living in the same place -- but we managed, in 3 states and 2 time zones, to remember our mother as together as we could : With a tasty piece of tiramisu, something that my mother loved to eat, and in turn we love and remember her with.

The pictures here are from cell phones, and so the quality is not the greatest, but the fact that despite the distances my sisters and I were able to share our small memoriam with each other offers more comfort than it is possible for me to convey. I miss my sisters all the time -- I feel very fortunate to have them, and love them more than I can possibly express -- but not having them here on a day when I feel so empty is horrible. They are the only other people in the whole world who share the pain and loss of my mother in the same way. Even our father, who I know misses her greatly, mourns differently. My sisters and I , despite being radically different people, are essentially imprints of our parents, and when it comes down it, we are the memories of our mother for eachother. We can reminisce about all the things that happened when we were little, and only we can feel the bittersweet joy that comes from these rememberances. Oh, how lucky we are to have had these beautiful moments, but how tragic to see them all taken away.

I know that as my Big Sister graduates college (the first one of us to do so), it is that same bittersweetness she feels, as I felt when I got married, as Foo felt when she graduated high school, and as I'm sure we have felt and will continue to feel many times over. The excitement of moving forward in life, but the sadness that we are taking one more step away from the past which contains our mother. I know how proud my mom would be of all of us, and how much love she had.

When I visited the cemetery earlier this month, I brought flowers and small card -- despite my love of words and writing -- I was only able to write these, and they are the truest and closest to my heart:

Mommy,
I love you.
I miss you.
I think about you everyday.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Perks...


I actually haven't read this book in years but, like watching movies that make me cry, I'm drawn to this beautifully depressive book in an inexplicable way. It's fabulous in a slit-your-wrists kind of way, so even though I'd like to re-read it, I think I'll wait until May is over.

It seems to be one of the most honest modern books I've ever read -- perhaps it only seems so honest because I can relate. Either way, if you haven't read "the perks of being a wallflower" you should. Regardless of how it relates to your life. I think everyone could use the thoughtful depressant that is Stephen Chbosky occasionally.



So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Foxy Rant


Megan Fox.

Now, she is being called the new "Angelina Jolie", yes? She has the sultry look, the "curves" (I'm certain she's still a size 2), and the long cascading hair. Ok. I can get behind that. Except for the fact that she. is. an. idiot. Really. Hub subscribes to Esquire, so I knew that she was on the cover and had made some less than shiny remarks about the lovely Scarlett Johansson. Ok, fine, whatever. While they make her seem vapid and shallow, whatever.

However, she is now on my shit list. I understand that not everyone will agree with my rather liberal views on life. That is fine. I'm totally an "agree to disagree" type of person. However, Ms. Fox is a self-proclaimed bisexual who has now said that, despite her own bisexuality, she thinks bisexual women are dirty. Yes. I'm not making this up. I just don't understand the point of this hypocrisy and perpetuating the bi-phobic mindset of both the straight and gay cultures. (That is not an all inclusive statement, I'm just saying that people across the board have negative opinions of bisexuals).

Now, tell me, Ms. Fox -- who do you expect to date you. I understand you're in a relationship with a man, and that is totally fine. But since you YOURSELF are bisexual, how could you now date a woman? Doesn't that go against your own standards? I just don't understand.

Personally, I think this is mostly for the attention. I'm sure she's been "gaysted" a few times in her day, and I appreciate her willingness to share those experiences with the whole world. However, the fact that she is a self-discriminating hypocrit is slightly infuriating to me.

Ok. /rant.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Nerd Alert.


First, let me apologize for the lack of substance in my recent updates. My brain is sad, pathetic mush and I can't offer you much more than these obscure updates, for fear of word-vomiting all over my blog and scaring the 5 people who actually do read this away.

This weekend was blah because it was mother's day weekend, but I did manage to keep myself busy. Saturday I went to the Beer, Bourbon and BBQ festival in South Charlotte, and drank a decent amount outside in the blazing sun. Saturday evening Hub and I went to Thomas Street Tavern, which was fabulous. I wore my new fedora, and loved it. I think other people think I'm a bit nuts, but I guess I like it that way.

Sunday I tried to ignore the fact that it was mother's day, other than a text to my sisters. Instead I went and saw Star Trek. Now, I've been pretty excited about this coming out -- when I was younger, my dad used to have the whole family sit down and enjoy episodes of Star Trek together. We mostly watched the Next Generation, but I'm still a fan of the original. Let me just tell you these 2 things: 1) It. Rocked. My. World. Seriously. 2) Whoever wrote the script did it BRILLIANTLY. They managed to "reset" the series so that they can now do whatever they want, with out pissing off fans of the original (although, i'm sure there are some irate fans).

Even if you're NOT a Star Trek fan, but like Sci-Fi (ie, Firefly, Heroes) I recommend just giving this movie a chance. It was stellar.

Live long and Prosper.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Fridayyyy







Simon Totally used to do that. ADORABLE.

Because it's Friday and my brain is fried. And I think people need to appreciate the adorableness that is the Pug :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

100 Acres


I'm having an Eeyore kind of month, so I thought I'd pay tribute to my favorite Winnie-the-Pooh character by dedicating this blog to him. First, you can find out his basic information at his wikipedia page -- what a helpful little site, that wikipedia. And now, you may bask in the glow of some of my favorite Eeyore-isms:

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.

If it is a good morning, which I doubt.
(after everyone else has said 'good morning')

End of the road... nothing to do... and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house

Thanks for noticing me.

If you ask me, when a house looks like that, it's time to find another one.

And to close out, a lovely little excerpt that I think embodies why I love Eeyore:

The old gray donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things.

Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.

Also, after reading the "Tao of Pooh" I'd certainly recommend any one with an interest in religion, Taoism, Pooh, or all 3 to read it. It's a quick, lovely, thoughtful book.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Tweetle-eetle-eet


I would like to take a moment to discuss something pressing, that is affecting our everyday lives: Twitter. First is was blogging, then MySpace, then Facebook, and now Twitter has become the latest and greatest pandemic to sweep the nation.
Through the miracle of the "interwebs", which were so graciously bestowed on us by Mr. Gore, following the lives of the people you love (or, maybe, are obsessed with) has become more and more simple. Suzy's on vacation, but you don't know when she'll be back? Check her facebook. Can't remember when Julie's birthday is? MySpace will solve that problem easily enough. I actually think that there is no privacy or anonimity any more -- we all put all of our information out there, and those who would really want to locate us can do so.
I see Twitter as supremely perpetuating this "problem" (It's only a problem if you want it to be). Now, through this glorious program, I can pretend I'm friends with FAMOUS PEOPLE. Really. Liz Feldman? Clementine Ford? Ellen? Pink? Elisha Dushku? We're all totally buds. I'm ashamed to say that I've even tweeted at some of these people. Yes. Yes. I know I'm delusional. And I'm mostly sane. A bit pop culture obessed at times, perhaps, but generally sane. I'm not going to go off and stalk anyone - but this particular medium of "tweeting" is especially stalkerish. As if a few status updates a day on Facebook weren't enough, I may now view pictures of whereever you are (should you choose to post them) or read what ever random thought may run through your head.

Oy, oy people. What is going on? Any way, if you're on twitter and haven't added me... help me feed my addiction add me here!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Wedding


Ugh, so the wedding this weekend was horribly, miserably boring and I had no fun at all.

Oh, haha, just kidding. That was for Momma Bear and My Lawyer... who I was unable to update on the interesting pieces of my life, because apparently I write too much here. They decided they could decipher my true feelings about this weekend from reading my blog. Which they shall, in fact, be able to do...

First of all, let me say that the wedding was beautiful. Everything about it was lovely, and in my humble opinion, perfect for the Bride and Groom. It was a formal, evening wedding and the Cream, Black and Red theme was classic and gorgeous. And the Bride. Oh. My. God. We were all quite jealous of the Groom -- because she was stunning! And it wasn't the hair, the make up or dress that made her that way (though they were all amazing) it was the radiating smile she couldn't wipe off her face. I am so, so, so happy that she has found her one! :)

Leading up the wedding was equally fun and amazing. The really great thing about the bridesmaids was that we have all known each other since middle school/high school and have all been friends for this period of time. It was relaxing, silly and nostalgic and I think I can safely that we all really enjoyed spending the time together. Seeing all the girls dressed up was a lot of fun, and watching the Bride's kids be coerced into their formal wear was adorable.

The reception was wonderful -- good food, good friends and lots of wedding traditions (the garter toss, first dance, etc). Saw a few people I hadn't seen in a long time and watched the groomsmen get sloshed!

We stayed my Big Sister's house, and were persuaded to go out and get food with them -- however Hub and I were zombies the whole time and after scarfing down pizza at Flavors of Italy proceeded back to Big Sister's and passed out.

Had breakfast with friend in Princess Anne and then continued on the long drive home. Part of me can't believe we made it without crashing the car, because both of us were exhausted, but we did and I was rewarded with fabulous snuggle time from my little pug :)

Friday, May 1, 2009

May.


And here it is.

May has quietly crept up on me, as it seems to. I try, with no success, to ignore this month. As if I could skip it, I could forget all of the painful moments it brings. For those of you who don't know -- which I assume will be very few -- May is my "Mommy Month". Not only is it the month she died, but it was the month she was born, and the month the whole world chooses to celebrate their mothers, as they should. This is my first May out of state from my sisters. This May marks 7 whole years since I last saw, hugged, kissed, or held my mother.

I am trying to remember the strong, encouraging words I heard Maya Angelou speak just 2 months ago. Her mantra about honoring the everyday women who made you what you are. This is difficult now -- mourning is much easier. And while I do try to exemplify the life lessons my mother taught me, or helped me to learn, sometimes I just need to be sad because when it comes down to it, I don't do it that often. Now, my sisters will tell you that I'm the emotional crying one of the family, and compared to them that is certainly true. However, on the whole, thinking about the loss of my mother is something that is so painful and fresh, even after 7 years, that I don't usually allow myself the time to do so. New friends don't understand the pain, because it's not something I showcase. Those who have been through the ordeal with me know the long, winding road it has taken me to become a functioning, semi-emotionally stable human being. The time I spent running from my family because it hurt too much to be around them, the poor crazy relationship (or lack of) decisions that I made. Shutting people, even my best friend, out until I finally broke down and couldn't take it any more.

When it really comes down to it -- I'm still a mess, and I'm fairly certain I will always be a mess. It's part of who I am. While I may be able to deal with my mother's death better now, it is no less painful than it was 7 years ago. However, I've started to learn how to not let the pain interfere with the wonderful and happy memories I have with my Mommy.

So, here's to May. I'll make it through.


like my father's come to pass / seven years has gone so fast /wake me up when September ends / here comes the rain again/ falling from the stars / drenched in my pain again / becoming who we are / as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost / wake me up when September ends

Green Day

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Just Because...


Because it's Thursday, and sometimes we need a little oomph to make it to Friday.

Rawr! We can do it!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Missing Piece




Ok -- If you have 6 1/2 minutes -- please watch this. Now, I have always loved children's books. I think that some are written to be simple enough for children to grasp, but with a message so big it makes your eyes well up. The Missing Piece meet The Big O is probably close to the top of my list when it comes to life-lesson kids books -- and I found this online yesterday, and it made me cry. Now, I don't expect for it to make everyone cry, but I do expect that it will remind you of certain, simple life facts that may be overlooked in the everyday bustle. Ok, I'm going to stop writing, so you can start watching.


Also, <3 Shel Silverstein. Like whoa.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

How I Adore Words...



So, all the time driving this past weekend gave me an absurd amount of time to think, completely alone. Now, I'm one who likes her alone time any way, I always think better when I'm alone, and writing in silence is usually when I get into my best groove, so one can imagine that giving me 18+ hours alone in a car would result in some creative ideas.

I had a few ideas for some short fiction stories -- something I haven't written in a while. These came late night Friday while crossing the Bay Bridge Tunnel, using the dark, choppy, eerily moonlit waters for inspiration. I had other ideas about turning parts of my life into short stories - fictionalizing them a bit. Then more ideas about art projects I could start. While I can't for the life of me draw or paint, I like to think that I am graphically and creatively minded. Captain added to my enthusiasm with some great ideas about "the crew". I feel that with everything going on in my life, my creative outlets are becoming more important. I find myself singing more than just my usual girlie rock -- pulling out some opera and belting along. I need to get some new strings for the guitar -- I haven't played in such a long time.

One of the ideas I had I'm pretty excited about, and will probably be the one I work on first. It involves books, words, coffee and a little bit of my insanity. I'm not really sure how long it will take me, because I'm not sure exactly how I want to do it, but it should be a short afternoon "craft" type project.

I've also noticed that when I sit down to do my "real" writing, it is coming much easier. I'm not laboring over every word and nuance as much. While I am going back and editing/changing I feel that I'm doing far less of that, and far more of who I am. It's a really good feeling.

Fight Hate


Please visit the HRC Fight Hate home page to learn about the Matthew Shepard Act, and then send a letter to your senator or congressman. It only takes a few minutes, and the website does most of the work for you. Please take a few moments to help change the lives of those in the GLBT community -- as well as those who are discriminated against because of disability, sex, race, religion -- who will be affected by Hate Crimes. It is easy for some, myself especially, to forget that there are those who are severely discriminated against because of who they are or who they love. "The Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act / Matthew Shepard Act gives the Justice Department the power to investigate and prosecute bias-motivated violence by providing the department with jurisdiction over crimes of violence where the perpetrator has selected the victim because of the person's actual or perceived race, color, religion, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity or disability."

I feel this is something we can all agree on. Fight Hate.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Insanity.


I have completed the weekend of insanity:
5 cities. 48 hours. 1170 miles.
and I'm actually still alive.

Looking back, I used to do crazy things like this all the time. The many times I went to visit RAR in NC when I lived in MD, the random late night drives to college park and fairfax to visit others. In fact, driving from the Eastern Shore to Baltimore really made me reminisce about all the time I've spent in the DC/Baltimore/Annapolis area.

Considering I've never actually lived in that part of Maryland, I've spent a considerable amount of time there. Driving across the Bay Bridge brings back what feels like millions of memories -- spending the day with my Dad at the naval academy, going into DC with my parents and visiting musuems, visiting my first boyfriend in Annapolis, Thursday all-night bar hops at Power Plant, College Park football games, All night craziness with the boys at college park, DC trips, Dunking my head in the fountain in Dupont Circle, Trips to Apex, Paying people's bridge tolls for them, sitting in hot, sticky summer traffic, Blox's car dying while we were double parked in the middle of Baltimore, blasting my radio and going 80... all these memories rush into one place and make me feel alive. Make me feel like there are parts of my life that were simply fantastic. It is easy for me, especially in most of my literary pursuits, to forget these wonderful times. I focus a lot on the details of the negative, life changing experiences that it is nice to be reminded of the wonderfully enriching details in my life.

This weekend will be added to the arsenal of wonderful moments in my life. The dress fitting went well, and the almost Bride is glowing with excitement for her nuptials next weekend. I actually really like the bridesmaid dress, it makes me feel pretty. I got to see my most adorable goose, and had breakfast with Lao Tung. The trek across the bridge resulted in Craziness with Twenty and Salty, Dinner in Columbia, then me getting a bit tipsy at Bourbon Street. Saw old friend, made new ones, and witnessed craziness at the end of the night.

All in all, great weekend.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Hoo-Ha.


I am having a bit of a dilemma. For the most part, I have refrained from using people's names in this blog, basically because I feel like it's unfair to put someone's name out there without really having their permission. Also, if as in my wildest dreams, I suddenly become a famous published author I don't wish to expose my friends. But, making up these names for people is putting a lot of pressure on me! For some like Twenty, it was easy -- I just borrowed her blog name! Easy. For others, I have to come up with something. I've mostly defaulted on these -- Hub, Big Sister, Foo Foo (which is already a nickname) -- but now that I'm expanding my group of friends I find myself wanting to write about them, yet avoiding the whole name situation. So, I'm going to try and retell my Wednesday evening using these newly acquired pseudonyms.

Wednesday night was Italian night in the Dreamer household. I invited some of my new girlfriends over for manicotti and cocktails (or juice, you know, whatever). Through the course of the meal the conversation came around to Horoscopes, as it often has when I've hung out with Captain. The first time I was at her place I discovered an astrology book. Now I'm not much into the astrology thing, really, but have been intrigued because quite a bit of it seems to be spot on. I don't mean on a daily basis, but just in the broader spectrum of things. Red and Carolina also seemed to be pretty up on their astrology, so I was the doofus pulling out the laptop to look things up. First of all, did you know that each sign has a body part associated with it? You didn't? Well, fancy that, neither did I. Seeing as how I'm the lovely capricorn (although I'm on the cusp -- I didn't know that either) I'm the knees. The knees, people. If that isn't asking for a bad innuendo, I don't know what is. Anyway, after spending an absurd amount of time trying to figure out what these body parts meant, I essentially gave up and just became the soothsayer for everyone. I searched various websites to look up our personalities -- Captain and Carolina are Aquarius, Hub is a scorpio, Red is a Taurus and I'm a capricorn. Interestingly enough for the most part these horoscopes fit personalities -- Mine was a little weird, but once we figured out that I was a cusp I proceeded to research that, I feel like I fit the Saggitarius-Capricorn cusp one quite well.

After we giggled a bit about body parts some more (apparently Scorpio is the gentials. C'mon, you know that's funny) We moved onto relationship compatiblities. This part was tricky. When everything else has been spot on, it's a bit disconcerting to read who you are and aren't compatable with. Interestingly enough, I've actually dated mostly the signs I'm compatible with, and the same was true for pretty much everyone.

Ok, now I'm not saying I'm buying into this Hoo-Ha. But if the stars are good enough for the centaurs, they might be good enough for me.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Introspection


When you know someone intimately, reading them is like second nature. You understand the words behind each sigh, each movement. You can tell the difference between a breath exhaled in frustration, in pain, or in need of calm. It’s a comfortable kind of security -- knowing someone this well. There is almost little need for actual words -- one gesture will inform the other person of your desire, whether it be a drink, a blanket or a kiss. The problem with this comfort is you can begin to lose yourself in it. You become comfortable with the routine of your partners signals, and so settle in this. Talking becomes more infrequent and you communicate largely through body language. It is easy to loose yourself in this… and while a relationship made up of entirely serious, soul-searching conversations would be exhausting the opposite is also true. You may become exhausted by the simplicity of your relationship. How do you tell this partner, whom you love, adore, and can read better than anyone in the entire world that you actually feel that you don’t know them. It is one thing to read these small nuances -- understand the crossed arms, the slumping posture -- but you don’t understand their real desires. Is it possible to become so comfortable and familiar that we are exactly the opposite? Humans have been evolvers since the beginning of time -- what’s to say that we stop evolving the moment we find one of these comfortable situations? While knowing how someone drinks their coffee (black or with lots of cream) can be most convenient and comfortable, knowing someone’s goals and aspirations is a far more tender piece of familiarity. When you first meet this person, it’s all excitement. You discuss your current aspirations, goals, desires, past miseries and heartbreaks. In those moments, you realize the things that will lead to you becoming numbingly comfortable. It is important for you to always come back to that place of excitement and discovery, because after the weeks, months or years that it has taken you to become sedentary both parties will have changed, and while major goals may remain the same, the way these goals are approached or viewed or motivated may have under gone a drastic overhaul. Just because you are comfortable in the everyday moments, does not mean you need to ignore or lose the excitement which guided us to this place of ease.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

In the Membrane.


I am slowly losing my mind. Seriously. And part of this mind-loss is resulting in the incredibly ridiculous decision to drive to Maryland for the weekend. Yes. Just the weekend. Now, this is a 1000 mile trip all on its own, but then throw in the fact that not only am I driving to Maryland to have my final fitting for KC's wedding on the eastern shore, I am then driving up to Columbia/Baltimore/Owings Mills to hang out with my friends. Adding approximately another 200 miles onto my trip -- in the wrong direction.

What could be even more insane is that I'm excited. Very excited. I'm going to see a good number of people, some whom I haven't seen in quite a while. While I had originally just planned to stay on the good ol' redneck Eastern Shore, I found that one of my friends from college would be in Baltimore -- Where as she usually is in NY (Upstate) I thought I would take this chance at us being in the same state to go get drunk and dance with her and many other wonderful people.

So, I will be tweeting my progress should anyone want to follow along. And yes, tweeting is now a verb, just like texting and blogging.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Susan Boyle


Am I the only one who sees all the hype about Susan Boyle as a backhanded compliment?

Don't get me wrong -- I loved her song. She did a great job, and I think she has a brilliant voice. But, I guess I wasn't as shocked as everyone else was. I didn't know that looks = talent... in fact, I've never really been on that train. We can have hotty-mchotpants like Britney Spears who obviously have no talent, and are simply manufactured, socially acceptable pornless porn-stars. (ok, she might not be so pornless)

She has been called everything from Ugly to Homely to a real life shrek. WHAT?! Ok, now I realize this woman is not winning any modern beauty contests but HONESTLY. Are we really this shallow? Really?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Labelmaking...


My apologies to my friends who have already had to listen to me rant on the subject.

I almost feel as though I am beginning a very, very bad Jerry Seinfield segment. "What's the big idea with labels?!" (You must always have a question mark and an exclamation point for Jerry Seinfeld. It's just how he speaks.)
This seems to be a prevalent theme in my life as of lately. Everyone always asking questions, wanting you to define certain aspects of yourself. Democrat, Republican, Christian, Atheist, Gay, Straight, Femme, Butch, Masculine. Blah, blah, blah is what I say to you. I realize how very mature I am, thank you for noticing.
I just don't understand the need for everyone to fit into a certain category. It makes me people nervous when you refuse to label yourself, and when it comes down to it, they will happily apply whatever label they want. Heartily and without your consent.
While this applies to my situation currently (which I shall not be divulging the specifics 0f) I think it happens on a much broader spectrum. People from mixed backgrounds are often questioned on how they identify (White? Black? Hispanic?) and people of certain beliefs are so quick to classify "You don't agree with me? You must be a heathen"

Seriously people, I don't get what the big idea is. If you're happy, safe and healthy who really cares what category you fit into?!


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Mother,

Ok, so I lied about updating yesterday, but I'm finally getting there.

Yesterday actually turned out to be the day of my now deceased Great Uncle's memorial service. My dad came down from Maryland for it, and as I live in the area I also attended the service. It is not that I am not saddened by his death, but I did not know him well. I have no cheerful, childhood memories to mourn, mostly just stories from others.

What did make me sad is the time that I spent with my Dad while he was here -- not sad in a miserable way, but sad in a "iwishmytimewithhimwerealwayslikethis" kind of way. He actually told stories and talked about my mom, something he almost never does in front of his now wife. Selfishly whenever someone else dies I always miss my mom a little bit more, possibly because she is not there to mourn with, and possibly because funerals always remind me of her death. While this funeral bore no resemblance to my mothers, and the words spoken did not invoke my mother at all, I associate the somber and uncalculated greif of others with my own. But telling stories with my dad about my mom, and seeing that there is pain, loss and sadness in him is actually a bit comforting. I almost never see this part of him. He loved my mother very, very much and I am now begininng to understand that even though he has remarried he has not moved on from her, he is simply attempting (albeit poorly) to fill the void where my mother used to be.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Zombie

Sorry for the lack of updates, folks. Between family deaths and holidays I don't celebrate, I've been a bit busy.
I promise to do an actual update tomorrow.
For now... Happy Easter/Zombie Jesus Day!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Woof.


Oh, the dog. Woman's best friend, or something like that.
As much as I love my smushy faced little boy, I rarely ever talk about him... he just a part of my daily routine -- from the morning kisses when the alarm goes off (these kisses mean 'mommy, food?'), to the joyful bouncing when I arrive home after a long day (these bounces mean 'mommy, food?') he always makes my day better... even when he knocks over a large cup of red juice all over my white rug. He is my constant snuggle bug, activity partner, and receiver of the ever-popular belly rubs.
I am bringing him up today because I think he deserves it. Now, I know that might seem crazy... and I probably seem like a lunatic for blogging about my dog... but he is one of the very best things in my whole life. Those who have dogs will (hopefully) understand what I mean. While I think cats are nice, there is nothing comparable to the love of a dog and, despite what those cat people saying about not having to work for affection from dogs, I work very hard so that Simon is happy, healthy, and safe. He is a constant companion who never complains when I am grumpy, but instead offers his little puggy-kisses as a reminder that he is there to love me.

"My little dog -- a heartbeat at my feet." ~ Edith Wharton

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

And now for something...


Completely different.

I believe I've only ever posted one other poem. This is something I just wrote, and I thought I'd share it.









I am an enigma.
Undecipherable.
Uncalculated and
Unreadable.

I am an open book,
Heart on my sleeve
Crying in the night
With desperation.

Two halves
Have not equaled
My hole.
Still empty.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Pineapple Weekend


Well, this was quite a busy weekend, but I enjoyed every minute of it. I was, in fact, so busy that I am having trouble recalling everything I did. Aside from the massive amount of texting and picture receiving I did with Twenty (I was living vicariously through her Dinah Shore experience) I can barely remember what it was I did Friday evening. I believe it was boring things like grocery shopping, oh, and watching Pineapple Express which proved to be not nearly as entertaining as I had hoped, but an adequate stoner film nonetheless.
Saturday consisted of spending time with some newly acquired friends... eating fabulous Sushi, hitting up the local Art Museum and searching for some fabulous vintage clothes, which we easily found at Hong Kong Vintage (see my fabulous pineapple skirt?). The entire reason for frequenting the Mint Museum was to check out their exhibit on Haute Couture fashions. It turned out to be much smaller of an exhibit than I had hoped, but the clothes and accessories were beautiful (minus a few from the 80s) and well displayed. I was actually quite thrilled that there was an exhibit from the New Orleans Museum of Art which contained a large amount of French pieces.
The vintage hunt went extremley well, even though Hong Kong ended up being our only stop. The store is small, but well stocked. The prices were super reasonable, and I fully intend on making a stop in again soon. The neighborhood that the store is housed in is also quite adorable. Lots of funky, small shops. Charlotte continues to surprise me with the cooky nooks of neighbor hoods that are out there to be discovered.
Saturday evening Hub and I visited some friends who had just moved into their brand new house. They seemed very happy, and I am very happy for them! Simon enjoyed the time, as he and KC ran around like the crazy dogs they are.
After this visit, I was persuaded to join my new friends ("The Crew" haha) for a late night get together, where I in turn persuaded them to visit my favorite place in Charlotte, Amalie's. Fabulous as always.
Sunday consisted of acting like an adult most of the day... trying to clean, taking a nap, and a visit to Ikea.
Despite my busy schedule this weekend many big things happened. I suppose these things are the reason I am attempting to keep so busy. Large changes are afoot, my friends, and when the time is right I'm sure I'll clue you in a bit.
Until then...

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Internet Friends (2)


It is now time for another addition of people who I stalk... I mean, follow via the interwebs. Today's contender comes to you from the NPR radio progam "This American Life" a show which I have come to adore, mostly due to the captivating and adorably dorky host Ira Glass.
Most of my friends would be able to tell you that I am normally not an advocate of talk radio. That is really an understatement. Generally speaking I can't stand listening to anyone read or tell stories to me -- I don't know what it is. Even as a child I was always scolded by my teachers for not following along with the rest of the class while we were doing readings. I almost always got frustrated with the reader and moved ahead at my own pace (to this day, I read uncommonly fast). It is, I suppose, because of this that I have never really found my niche with talk radio... until Ira. This American life is show about... well, everything. I have not found a taboo topic, and the stories are always insightful, portrayed in truth, while sometimes being tender or hilarious. Ira lends to these traits with his quirky comments and obvious desire for great journalism. While he does not narrate all the stories, he seems to position the listener just so, ensuring that no morsel of the segment will remain un-devoured by the audience.
All of the shows are on the website, available for free as podcasts, or are may be downloaded for $0.99 a show.
Support my dorky, intellectual and fabulous friend! (Well, you know... internet friend)

Some of my favorites can be found here:
I like the first part of this one -- after that it does get a bit creepy.
Featuring Mike Birbiglia

This one was particularly interesting to me.
A story about testosterone, the how much and some of the why.

An incredibly moving story about a Muslim family, post-9/11
I really cried. So, beware.

Those are just a few, folks, and I really encourage you to check some out. You won't be disappointed!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Love.




Check this out! Way to go for the midwest... perhaps the rest of the country will figure it out, even with out California leading the way.

I have to say, honestly, I'm a bit surprised, but very happy! :)

No Doubt.


This weekend, one of my friends mentioned to me the she able to get $15 lawn tickets to see No Doubt. This is big, exciting news, and I almost immediately went to purchase my ticket. I have loved No Doubt since I was able to make educated music choices. Tragic Kingdom -- the whole album -- helped define my youth. I'm not kidding. Plus, Gwen Stefani is smokin' hot and used to wear a bindi on her forehead.
A thought then occurred to me... why are these tickets only $15? According to Wikipedia (which is the be all, end all source) No Doubt has not had a "mainstream" album since the 90s. Can this be true? I suppose it is, however it seems completely bizarre to me that this band, who I worshiped, is becoming obsolete. They are moving into an older generation of music. How could this possibly happen? Now, don't get me wrong -- I have always loved old music. I was raised to love old music. As a kid I never wanted to know what the top 40 songs of the moment were, I instead prided myself on knowing lyrics to bands such as The Beatles, Peter, Paul and Mary... even John Denver. It is just a bizarre feeling to know that a band who had so much influence in my life is now becoming... old? I'm not quite sure what the right word would be, but it's just a weird feeling.
None of this, however, deters my excitement! Super stoked.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Grapefruit.


I've been on this weird grapefruit kick recently -- I don't know if other people go through food phases, but I have a constant cycle of different cravings. I could love a food this week, and not even be able to look at it next week. I have serious texture issues, and if I think about anything too much, I can't eat it. I'm sure it's some type of OCD behavior... but I usually get all the nutrition I need, so I'm not too worried. Anyway, the last few weeks have been grapefruits, which are a seriously under-loved fruit. Everyone says they are too sour, however I think they are sweet, juicy and wonderful. Oblate in shape, they are like heavy, edible, slightly mal-formed softballs. They make my stomach happy, and for some unknown reason put me in a good mood. Maybe it is because I get to use the word oblate when speaking about them. I don't know.
I realize it is very strange for me to dedicate an entry to grapefruit, but it is more because I really have a love of food. Aside from the obvious nutritional needs, I see food as an entry way. A way to make to friends, to comfort others or yourself, a way to explore culture. Food can be fun, filling, and occasionally sexy. Food speaks volumes -- have you ever baked a friend cookies, or made someone a meal? Generally (unless it is yet another casserole) people are thrilled to receive food... whether it be offered in condolence, congratulations, or just because. Cooking for large groups of people is something I really miss. There is almost no better feeling than having friends and family gather, talking voraciously, drinking freely and bonding over something that I spent time preparing just for them.
I'm off to indulge in my fruit-of-the-week. You should do the same.