Insanity.

I have completed the weekend of insanity:
5 cities. 48 hours. 1170 miles.
and I'm actually still alive.

Looking back, I used to do crazy things like this all the time. The many times I went to visit RAR in NC when I lived in MD, the random late night drives to college park and fairfax to visit others. In fact, driving from the Eastern Shore to Baltimore really made me reminisce about all the time I've spent in the DC/Baltimore/Annapolis area.

Considering I've never actually lived in that part of Maryland, I've spent a considerable amount of time there. Driving across the Bay Bridge brings back what feels like millions of memories -- spending the day with my Dad at the naval academy, going into DC with my parents and visiting musuems, visiting my first boyfriend in Annapolis, Thursday all-night bar hops at Power Plant, College Park football games, All night craziness with the boys at college park, DC trips, Dunking my head in the fountain in Dupont Circle, Trips to Apex, Paying people's bridge tolls for them, sitting in hot, sticky summer traffic, Blox's car dying while we were double parked in the middle of Baltimore, blasting my radio and going 80... all these memories rush into one place and make me feel alive. Make me feel like there are parts of my life that were simply fantastic. It is easy for me, especially in most of my literary pursuits, to forget these wonderful times. I focus a lot on the details of the negative, life changing experiences that it is nice to be reminded of the wonderfully enriching details in my life.

This weekend will be added to the arsenal of wonderful moments in my life. The dress fitting went well, and the almost Bride is glowing with excitement for her nuptials next weekend. I actually really like the bridesmaid dress, it makes me feel pretty. I got to see my most adorable goose, and had breakfast with Lao Tung. The trek across the bridge resulted in Craziness with Twenty and Salty, Dinner in Columbia, then me getting a bit tipsy at Bourbon Street. Saw old friend, made new ones, and witnessed craziness at the end of the night.

All in all, great weekend.

Hoo-Ha.

I am having a bit of a dilemma. For the most part, I have refrained from using people's names in this blog, basically because I feel like it's unfair to put someone's name out there without really having their permission. Also, if as in my wildest dreams, I suddenly become a famous published author I don't wish to expose my friends. But, making up these names for people is putting a lot of pressure on me! For some like Twenty, it was easy -- I just borrowed her blog name! Easy. For others, I have to come up with something. I've mostly defaulted on these -- Hub, Big Sister, Foo Foo (which is already a nickname) -- but now that I'm expanding my group of friends I find myself wanting to write about them, yet avoiding the whole name situation. So, I'm going to try and retell my Wednesday evening using these newly acquired pseudonyms.

Wednesday night was Italian night in the Dreamer household. I invited some of my new girlfriends over for manicotti and cocktails (or juice, you know, whatever). Through the course of the meal the conversation came around to Horoscopes, as it often has when I've hung out with Captain. The first time I was at her place I discovered an astrology book. Now I'm not much into the astrology thing, really, but have been intrigued because quite a bit of it seems to be spot on. I don't mean on a daily basis, but just in the broader spectrum of things. Red and Carolina also seemed to be pretty up on their astrology, so I was the doofus pulling out the laptop to look things up. First of all, did you know that each sign has a body part associated with it? You didn't? Well, fancy that, neither did I. Seeing as how I'm the lovely capricorn (although I'm on the cusp -- I didn't know that either) I'm the knees. The knees, people. If that isn't asking for a bad innuendo, I don't know what is. Anyway, after spending an absurd amount of time trying to figure out what these body parts meant, I essentially gave up and just became the soothsayer for everyone. I searched various websites to look up our personalities -- Captain and Carolina are Aquarius, Hub is a scorpio, Red is a Taurus and I'm a capricorn. Interestingly enough for the most part these horoscopes fit personalities -- Mine was a little weird, but once we figured out that I was a cusp I proceeded to research that, I feel like I fit the Saggitarius-Capricorn cusp one quite well.

After we giggled a bit about body parts some more (apparently Scorpio is the gentials. C'mon, you know that's funny) We moved onto relationship compatiblities. This part was tricky. When everything else has been spot on, it's a bit disconcerting to read who you are and aren't compatable with. Interestingly enough, I've actually dated mostly the signs I'm compatible with, and the same was true for pretty much everyone.

Ok, now I'm not saying I'm buying into this Hoo-Ha. But if the stars are good enough for the centaurs, they might be good enough for me.

No Doubt.

This weekend, one of my friends mentioned to me the she able to get $15 lawn tickets to see No Doubt. This is big, exciting news, and I almost immediately went to purchase my ticket. I have loved No Doubt since I was able to make educated music choices. Tragic Kingdom -- the whole album -- helped define my youth. I'm not kidding. Plus, Gwen Stefani is smokin' hot and used to wear a bindi on her forehead.
A thought then occurred to me... why are these tickets only $15? According to Wikipedia (which is the be all, end all source) No Doubt has not had a "mainstream" album since the 90s. Can this be true? I suppose it is, however it seems completely bizarre to me that this band, who I worshiped, is becoming obsolete. They are moving into an older generation of music. How could this possibly happen? Now, don't get me wrong -- I have always loved old music. I was raised to love old music. As a kid I never wanted to know what the top 40 songs of the moment were, I instead prided myself on knowing lyrics to bands such as The Beatles, Peter, Paul and Mary... even John Denver. It is just a bizarre feeling to know that a band who had so much influence in my life is now becoming... old? I'm not quite sure what the right word would be, but it's just a weird feeling.
None of this, however, deters my excitement! Super stoked.

Grapefruit.

I've been on this weird grapefruit kick recently -- I don't know if other people go through food phases, but I have a constant cycle of different cravings. I could love a food this week, and not even be able to look at it next week. I have serious texture issues, and if I think about anything too much, I can't eat it. I'm sure it's some type of OCD behavior... but I usually get all the nutrition I need, so I'm not too worried. Anyway, the last few weeks have been grapefruits, which are a seriously under-loved fruit. Everyone says they are too sour, however I think they are sweet, juicy and wonderful. Oblate in shape, they are like heavy, edible, slightly mal-formed softballs. They make my stomach happy, and for some unknown reason put me in a good mood. Maybe it is because I get to use the word oblate when speaking about them. I don't know.
I realize it is very strange for me to dedicate an entry to grapefruit, but it is more because I really have a love of food. Aside from the obvious nutritional needs, I see food as an entry way. A way to make to friends, to comfort others or yourself, a way to explore culture. Food can be fun, filling, and occasionally sexy. Food speaks volumes -- have you ever baked a friend cookies, or made someone a meal? Generally (unless it is yet another casserole) people are thrilled to receive food... whether it be offered in condolence, congratulations, or just because. Cooking for large groups of people is something I really miss. There is almost no better feeling than having friends and family gather, talking voraciously, drinking freely and bonding over something that I spent time preparing just for them.
I'm off to indulge in my fruit-of-the-week. You should do the same.

Survivor?

Just a warning to those who read this blog -- I am not usually so serious, nor quite so personal. If you have questions, please ask. If I can in any way lend support to someone, I would be more than happy to. I am putting this out there as my way of challenging myself to open up, to become a better writer, and to move towards my goal of writing a personal, heartfelt book.

The role of a writer is not say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
-Anais Nin

In life there are many moments which define who we are, who we will become. It is impossible to know just when these moments will occur, as they usually do so with little-to-no fan fare. A casual run in with a stranger may become the making of your life long partner. A simple statement, offered in truth, maybe become the breaking of a long friendship. No one is able to know or calculate just when these moments will happen, or whether or not they should be taken note of.

These thoughts have come to mind recently when trying to categorize the terms "victim" and "survivor". With the recent media coverage of the "alleged" abuse of a certain celebrity, these terms have been slung all over the place. I believe that in our lives at some point we are both of these things -- but what qualifies the difference, and how do we recognize what we are in which moments. Is it our reactions, the way in which the situation is being described, the intensity to which one is violated? At what point does one become a victim, or a survivor, and how do you know that you have gotten there? As someone who has had the misfortune of experiencing verbal, sexual and physical abuse in my life, I would not classify myself as a victim. I suppose at some point, someone did. Especially when it came the the sexual abuse -- I was much younger and it took me many years to not only stand up for myself but to come to terms with all that had happened. When it came the physical abuse, I left. I have never considered myself a victim in that situation, but others may certainly have a different point of view.

I suppose I am just trying to reconcile these two things, as they seem to have significantly different meanings. The way I see it, this is what image these two terms perpetuate:

Victim - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by simply staying in the situation. The person would take little to no action to remove themselves.
(out of personal interest the random house dictionary defines victim as - a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance*, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency)

Survivor - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by rectifying the situation, rising above it, and turning the negative energy created into a positive life force.
(Again -- 1. a person or thing that survives
2. a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks ** See end of blog)


Now these are not necessarily my opinions, just how I perceive that these two categories are portrayed. In reality I think most people who experience abuse are some where in the middle. No one, no matter what it is they have overcome, can display the survivor mentality 100 percent of the time. We all have breakdowns. Even now, almost 14 years later, I am still occasionally haunted by the sexual abuse I experienced. This is in spite of years of drugs and therapy, along with the best support system anyone could ask for. I feel that I in no way define myself, my life by these acts, in fact many of you may feel uncomfortable or surprised at reading this. I've done what I can to conceal these facts from most people, however at this point there is no reason to continue to do so. In my wildest dreams, if what I have to say could help one person, I would put it all out there. This is the start of me breaking down the wall, the persona, that I have spent a long time building.

Ok, I'm getting a little off track here.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I don't think anyone, in any situation, should allow themselves to be defined by the terms or labels that people/a person/society/whomever choose to use in reference to them. While I may be "an abused/victim/survivor" that is simply one instance of an entire person. I am also "a lover", "a learner", "stubborn", "a writer", "a comic", "a friend", "a sister", "a daughter", and so on. When looking at a snap shot of someone's (possibly your own) life, it is easy to only consider only the position of victim/survivor. Remember the other beautiful and wonderful facets of yourself, or those around you. The weight put on the labels may just be the weight that is keeping you down.

* I think this is an important point -- it is easy to allow ourselves to be deceived, certainly in cases of verbal abuse -- words are only words, right? It is the ignorance that we allow ourselves, as well as the ignorance of the abuser, that makes it ok for us to stay in these relationships -- our ignorance is our rationality. *

** I find these two definitions to be unique. The first merely means you continue to live. The second qualifies as continuing to function or prosper. I felt these were notably different -- there is an enormous difference between simply being alive and actually living. **

Internet Friends

It has recently come to my attention that there are tons of people that I check up on daily who I only know by means of the interwebs. I have a strong, unhealthy obsession with being online, and follow way more blogs/comics/vlogs than is probably really normal for a sane person. So, I've decided that when the mood should strike me I'll be be posting "People I am Friends with (only on the internet, not IRL, but if they wanted to be my friend I totally would be)". Yes, the title needs some work. I'll get there. I will be begining this segment with the person who is probably my most favorite... Liz Feldman. She currently has a vlog on afterellen.com in which she acts completely adorable and interviews other people I would also like to meet. After doing a little bit of research I found that I have actually been a fan of hers for about 15 years -- I just didn't know it at the time. You see, she was a writer on All That, a show that I am not ashamed to say I watched avidly as a pre teen. (C'mon, you know you did, too) I mean, we all remember Lori Beth, right? Oh, Nickolodeon. I digress.

Aside from All That, she has written for the Ellen Degeneres show which I love, love, love. She does stand up comedy, and is just basically awesome. So, she now does this Vlog for AfterEllen called "This Just Out with Liz Feldman" and I can't stop watching it! She bascially drinks alcohol and talks about whatever the hell she feels like. She has incredibly endearing facial expressions, and always giggles at her own jokes. Plus, she wears an amazing blazer. ::Swoon:: She has hillarious interactions with her celebrity (or celesbian, as she says) guests, often carrying out ridiculous jokes in which she only refers them as a character, or ends up with 7 minutes in heavan behind a curtain. One of her friends, Raimy, always makes an appearance and enlightens watchers with current and hip music choices. Overall, I think she is absolutely adorable and would like to make the proclomation that she is, in fact, my friend. Even if it's just online.

Fin.

May I just say that this was a fantastic weekend? I spent the entire weekend getting to visit with friends I've known forever, and made some new friends as well. I must reiterate the fabulousness that was Maya Angelou, I honestly feel like her talk was on the life changing level - just a shot of encouragement, wisdom and respect.

After the lazy, lazy afternoon on Saturday (where we watched Clueless. Really.) everyone prepared to go out. Jizzy attacked my eyebrows at my request, and might I say, she should be a professional. At the amazement of the only male in attendance, all 4 women were ready to go on time. EARLY, even. I know, it must have been a miracle. Ryan's Daughter was pretty cool and Jizzy had a birthday cake and balloons ready for Twenty, which was a fabulous. One of my favorite people on the entire planet was there and we spent most of dinner talking and catching up on things, and him mocking my snort. or telling me it was endearing. or something.

Brewer's was packed (as usual, i am told) and so I managed to procure a couple souveniors. Quite legally, I assure you! Then, the gaggle of increasingly drunk birthday celebrators moved on to Central. Twenty proceeded to become sloshed, as she should, and I ended the night only a bit tipsy, although I almost fell flat on my face in front of several policemen thanks to my inability to walk properly. The car ride back generated several interesting conversations, which shall not be posted here for the protection of everyone involved, and ended in the dissapointment of closed fast food joints.

I, reluctantly, left early on Sunday. After grabbing breakfast with RAR I drove the long drive from Glen Burnie (where'd I'd left my car) to Charlotte. Now, I don't know if any of you are drivers, but I am. I mean, really love driving. People are always appalled at the distances I'll drive instead of getting plane ticket, but I adore the feeling of cruising with the music on... having time on my own with my thoughts. I also find that going on long car rides with people will almost always end in you knowing a considerable amount more about the person than you could learn in years of friendship. Anyway, the weather was gorgeous, and so I was able to keep my windows down, music blaring, collecting awkward looks for my tendancy to dance while driving.

Just the start...

Last night was amazing! Hearing Maya Angelou speak was incredible. I think I gained more from the hour and a half of hearing her speak than all the years I have spent in various therapy sessions about self confidence, self respect and how to honorably remember the women you may have lost in your life. That alone was worth the drive up here.

After the talk we walked to Akbar and had some great Indian food, ordered enormous beers, and ate some sort of Indian desert which resembled bread pudding. We had planned on hanging out and drinking a bit, but it turned more into just watching some tv and passing out. I was snuggled by the adorable Andy (Twenty's kitty), and woke up ridiculously early. I am never able to sleep late, and it's even more problematic when I'm not at home. Looking forward to a possible nap this afternoon before heading to Ryan's Daughter for dinner.
I bombarded Twenty at about 7:30 for our venture into DC. Sticky Fingers, as expected, was amazing. RAR came with us and we met up with an old friend... it's nice that on top of getting to spend the weekend with Twenty, I've been able to see several people. After gorging ourselves on their wonderul pastries we dropped RAR off and stopped in Hampden at Sugar, which was a very educational visit, to say the least!
I'm now lazing about, looking forward to the debauchery that will ensue later!

Ode to KHT

This weekend will be wonderful. I can feel it, and I love that feeling. The start of something long anticipated, with people you really love. Coming into Baltimore on the light rail (something I've never done) was fantastic -- it gave me a little bit of time to reflect, while reminding me why I love Baltimore : It's gritty. Real. Dirty. Eclectic. I'm ashamed to say I don't remember the last time I actually went out in Baltimore, it may have been this weekend last year, but I am excited to rectify that situation.

I've arrived a bit early (I'm obsessively early) and so I have a few minutes to pound around my keyboard before meeting an old friend for sushi, then heading on to hear Maya Angelou speak.

This whole weekend is brought to you in part by Twenty's birthday... Her 7th 21st birthday (Yes, you read that right, I think she's in denial)... because of this I'm going to take the time to dedicate this entry to her.

Twenty and I have known each other for at least a decade. She and I have been through more shit (there is no better word) in that time period than most people would think possible. We've shared secrets, told stories, grown together and have even "broken up" for a short period. My relationship with her has grown more than any single relationship I've had in my entire life. We've been through the heartbreak caused by unfaithful lovers, and the guilt caused when we were the heartbreakers. We have both been through major family changes, and major changes within ourselves. She is someone who I know that, without a single doubt, I can call on. It has taken us many years to form this bond, but I would never trade our past tribulations as they are what have made us know the extent of our loyalty and trust for one another. She is my sister in all senses of the word, and I am proud to have her as a friend.

Happy Birthday and, as always, I wish you only the best.

Now let's get our drink on ;) !!

Crawling

Just had a great evening!

Met up with some friends in NoDa for our first Charlotte Gallery crawl. I was immediately surprised how difficult it was to find parking! Even in the chilly weather, every where seemed to be pretty busy. The Hub and I met said friends at a small coffee house, Smelly Cat, and were introduced to the guy who would be playing music for the evening. After grabbing a quick chai, we decided to peruse some galleries, promising the evenings musical act at the coffe place we'd return. The first gallery we stopped at was populated by college students showing their art. They all seemed nervous and over eager, but the art was surprisingly good. A piece with political connotations caught my eye, and after asking the artist about it I was dissapointed that he didn't have more to say about the politics of the piece... it seemed it was kind of a spur of the moment art work. Which I suppose is fine, Art does not need an agenda. The students were talkative and generously poured the free wine, overall not dissapointing.

We moved on to the next gallery, which seemed to have a more varied crowd, and more experienced art work. Overall it was enjoyable, but I certainly don't understand the price tags on many of the pieces! Not that the works of art aren't beautiful or moving or fun or interesting, but I can't see paying 8000 for an artist I've never heard of. I suppose it is considered an investment?

In the spirit of not boring my Hub, we decided to stop at a bar, Dolce Vita, where I partook in the fabulous and under appreciated Framboise! It was fantastic. Listened to a great guitar/violin duet there (part rock, part classical, I loved it). It was the kind of place that made you feel simultaneously at home and as if you were in a special, intimate place.

Back to the Smelly Cat. More Chai. Josh and Dane (who, if I could find his webpage, I would link it. Sadly, I cannot) was fantastic! The kind of chill, acoustic perfect coffee house music that I love. He played a mix of originals and covers, all of which were thourghly enjoyable. It made me miss my guitar. I enjoy the small, arts setting and definitely hope to hear them again!

Great night. Looking forward to catching up with old friends tomorrow!

For now, pug is snuggly, and I must comply with his furry demands.

V Day

I feel as though I need to make the obligatory Valentine's Day post. While I think it is a ridiculous holiday, I appreciate the sentiment behind it. So, here goes...

I feel very lucky with the love I receive from all aspects of my life. In the many relationships, in the many forms, I am blessed. And this love is something I feel on a daily basis, something I am also thankful for. While I may not be with all the ones I love all the time, I hope that they know who they are, that I miss them, and that above all I love them.

<3

I also think that everyone should take a moment and check this out. Just a reminder to treat everyone in your life with respect. Violence against women (anyone, really) is unacceptable, and I believe that through education, love, patience and perseverance this is something that we as a people can overcome.