Survivor?

Just a warning to those who read this blog -- I am not usually so serious, nor quite so personal. If you have questions, please ask. If I can in any way lend support to someone, I would be more than happy to. I am putting this out there as my way of challenging myself to open up, to become a better writer, and to move towards my goal of writing a personal, heartfelt book.

The role of a writer is not say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.
-Anais Nin

In life there are many moments which define who we are, who we will become. It is impossible to know just when these moments will occur, as they usually do so with little-to-no fan fare. A casual run in with a stranger may become the making of your life long partner. A simple statement, offered in truth, maybe become the breaking of a long friendship. No one is able to know or calculate just when these moments will happen, or whether or not they should be taken note of.

These thoughts have come to mind recently when trying to categorize the terms "victim" and "survivor". With the recent media coverage of the "alleged" abuse of a certain celebrity, these terms have been slung all over the place. I believe that in our lives at some point we are both of these things -- but what qualifies the difference, and how do we recognize what we are in which moments. Is it our reactions, the way in which the situation is being described, the intensity to which one is violated? At what point does one become a victim, or a survivor, and how do you know that you have gotten there? As someone who has had the misfortune of experiencing verbal, sexual and physical abuse in my life, I would not classify myself as a victim. I suppose at some point, someone did. Especially when it came the the sexual abuse -- I was much younger and it took me many years to not only stand up for myself but to come to terms with all that had happened. When it came the physical abuse, I left. I have never considered myself a victim in that situation, but others may certainly have a different point of view.

I suppose I am just trying to reconcile these two things, as they seem to have significantly different meanings. The way I see it, this is what image these two terms perpetuate:

Victim - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by simply staying in the situation. The person would take little to no action to remove themselves.
(out of personal interest the random house dictionary defines victim as - a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance*, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency)

Survivor - One who has/is experiencing a negative verbal, physical or sexual relationship and responds by rectifying the situation, rising above it, and turning the negative energy created into a positive life force.
(Again -- 1. a person or thing that survives
2. a person who continues to function or prosper in spite of opposition, hardship, or setbacks ** See end of blog)


Now these are not necessarily my opinions, just how I perceive that these two categories are portrayed. In reality I think most people who experience abuse are some where in the middle. No one, no matter what it is they have overcome, can display the survivor mentality 100 percent of the time. We all have breakdowns. Even now, almost 14 years later, I am still occasionally haunted by the sexual abuse I experienced. This is in spite of years of drugs and therapy, along with the best support system anyone could ask for. I feel that I in no way define myself, my life by these acts, in fact many of you may feel uncomfortable or surprised at reading this. I've done what I can to conceal these facts from most people, however at this point there is no reason to continue to do so. In my wildest dreams, if what I have to say could help one person, I would put it all out there. This is the start of me breaking down the wall, the persona, that I have spent a long time building.

Ok, I'm getting a little off track here.

I guess what I'm saying here is that I don't think anyone, in any situation, should allow themselves to be defined by the terms or labels that people/a person/society/whomever choose to use in reference to them. While I may be "an abused/victim/survivor" that is simply one instance of an entire person. I am also "a lover", "a learner", "stubborn", "a writer", "a comic", "a friend", "a sister", "a daughter", and so on. When looking at a snap shot of someone's (possibly your own) life, it is easy to only consider only the position of victim/survivor. Remember the other beautiful and wonderful facets of yourself, or those around you. The weight put on the labels may just be the weight that is keeping you down.

* I think this is an important point -- it is easy to allow ourselves to be deceived, certainly in cases of verbal abuse -- words are only words, right? It is the ignorance that we allow ourselves, as well as the ignorance of the abuser, that makes it ok for us to stay in these relationships -- our ignorance is our rationality. *

** I find these two definitions to be unique. The first merely means you continue to live. The second qualifies as continuing to function or prosper. I felt these were notably different -- there is an enormous difference between simply being alive and actually living. **