When All's Well...

I've made some big decisions in the last year. Ones that will affect the rest of my life, and whose consequences I have spent a great deal of time pondering. After this time of great contemplation have arisen other decisions that need to be made. Many of these have, for lack of a more PC term, stressed me the fuck out. They have been things that have made my life feel crazy, have made me a wreck, and just generally been displeasing to deal with. One of my friends made the suggestion that I stop thinking of things in such grand terms. Not every decision I make has to weigh in on the rest of my life. Sometimes, just thinking and deciding for now is all that you can do, and if it doesn't really make sense in the long term, well then, that is something you'll have to adjust. And so, this is what i am trying to do. While I have made lots of decisions that reflect my long terms goals, I've been making a few more rash decisions that are just making me happy right now. Is this selfish? Probably, but selfish seems to be the theme and I'm just going with it. I'm trying to give up a bit of control, trying to work through what is fulfilling and satisfying to me now. Do I think I'll get everything I want? Probably not. But I can be honest and forthcoming, and try to make the decisions that will fit my life and my happiness the best. It seems to me that this is the way life should be lived.

2010

Most people take the start of a New Year to reassess their lives, rethink their goals, realign expecations and begin again in a way that seems to only be offered by the presence of a new calender.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.

Happy New Year, all.

A change will do you good.

This is a moment when I know my life has changed. It is 11:30 on a Monday, and I am very awake, having just returned from playing pool. In the last year (probably a bit more) my life has changed drastically. I have not only changed cities, but changed states. I have changed jobs (twice now), moved from a 2 bedroom apartment, to a 2 bedroom townhouse. Bought a puppy. Cut my hair. Changed my entire life. Last week, I was a nanny with no direction. This week, I am a student. On my way to using all the beautiful intelligence I have been gifted.
I can very honestly say that I have made more changes in the last year than I have in the 7 years since my mom died. And much of that was fear. But, I'm determined to move past all that, in into my real life. The life where I continue to be fun and spontaneous, but also smart and responsible. The life where I make choices that make me happy, instead of make me safe. Having just returned from a pool hall (where I've never been, and am btw HORRIBLE at) I sit here and am able to fully recognize the massive changes in my life. Perhaps it was the 2 beers. Or the warm weather. Or the snuggling dogs. But whatever it is, this is the moment. My life, in a matter of a few hours, has changed and I couldn't be more thrilled. I am working at a bakery, which I adore, I am studying engineering -- something I didn't really think I'd have the balls to do, and I am loving, living and exploring more than I ever have in my adult life.
I'm done with the regrets. Moving on from the mistakes. Trying to leave the emptiness and sadness behind. Big, wide, beautiful world : Here I Come. Please be ready.