May.

And here it is.

May has quietly crept up on me, as it seems to. I try, with no success, to ignore this month. As if I could skip it, I could forget all of the painful moments it brings. For those of you who don't know -- which I assume will be very few -- May is my "Mommy Month". Not only is it the month she died, but it was the month she was born, and the month the whole world chooses to celebrate their mothers, as they should. This is my first May out of state from my sisters. This May marks 7 whole years since I last saw, hugged, kissed, or held my mother.

I am trying to remember the strong, encouraging words I heard Maya Angelou speak just 2 months ago. Her mantra about honoring the everyday women who made you what you are. This is difficult now -- mourning is much easier. And while I do try to exemplify the life lessons my mother taught me, or helped me to learn, sometimes I just need to be sad because when it comes down to it, I don't do it that often. Now, my sisters will tell you that I'm the emotional crying one of the family, and compared to them that is certainly true. However, on the whole, thinking about the loss of my mother is something that is so painful and fresh, even after 7 years, that I don't usually allow myself the time to do so. New friends don't understand the pain, because it's not something I showcase. Those who have been through the ordeal with me know the long, winding road it has taken me to become a functioning, semi-emotionally stable human being. The time I spent running from my family because it hurt too much to be around them, the poor crazy relationship (or lack of) decisions that I made. Shutting people, even my best friend, out until I finally broke down and couldn't take it any more.

When it really comes down to it -- I'm still a mess, and I'm fairly certain I will always be a mess. It's part of who I am. While I may be able to deal with my mother's death better now, it is no less painful than it was 7 years ago. However, I've started to learn how to not let the pain interfere with the wonderful and happy memories I have with my Mommy.

So, here's to May. I'll make it through.


like my father's come to pass / seven years has gone so fast /wake me up when September ends / here comes the rain again/ falling from the stars / drenched in my pain again / becoming who we are / as my memory rests but never forgets what I lost / wake me up when September ends

Green Day