So, I could write about my AMAZING trip to New Orleans. I could tell you that it was one of the best experiences of my whole life, and that spending 24 hours in a car with 2 people actually made us better friends. I could tell you that it started out terrifying, and ended beautifully. But, I don't think that anything I could say would really convey the amazing paragraph that this trip added to the book that is my life. It was beautifully written, and to try and share that with you, well, it would just feel watered down and unsatisfying.
Instead, I want to share with you that this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. This is not an issue that I focus on a lot, but it is something that is important to me on a personal level. As one who has struggled with my body perception in the past, I can say that sometimes just letting a person know how beautiful and wonderful they are could really make a difference. To get more information go to http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
I'm done with my public service announcement. All for now.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Recovery.
Ok, so, I'll admit. Yesterday was a bad day. And not for any one, particular reason, but simply because I was feeling sorry for myself. I think I should be entitled to a day like that every now and then. A day where I won't judge myself for having a couple beers, while snuggling with my pug and crying. Ok, fine, pass judgment. I know I am. But, today is a new day, and I will continue to push forward through this mess.
As it is, I have already been a considerably better adult. Doing laundry, taking care of the pug, getting some homework accomplished. Despite this, I still feel an innate pull back to sadness. This is unexpected. I have spent the large majority of my life not being sad about things that require it. Childhood trauma made me numb to many of the things that could break other people. In fact, to this point, I thought that after the death of my mother nothing could really make me sad again.
It is with these feelings that I am trying to redefine, as I said yesterday. I am trying to make goals, however small they may seem to others, and push myself to accomplish them. I have found two short story competitions that I'm going to enter. I'm entering them, not because I think I'll win, or even because I think I'm that great of a writer, but because I love to write, and feel like I have things to say. Plus, you have to start somewhere, and I think this will motivated me to polish some of my writing.
As it is, I have already been a considerably better adult. Doing laundry, taking care of the pug, getting some homework accomplished. Despite this, I still feel an innate pull back to sadness. This is unexpected. I have spent the large majority of my life not being sad about things that require it. Childhood trauma made me numb to many of the things that could break other people. In fact, to this point, I thought that after the death of my mother nothing could really make me sad again.
It is with these feelings that I am trying to redefine, as I said yesterday. I am trying to make goals, however small they may seem to others, and push myself to accomplish them. I have found two short story competitions that I'm going to enter. I'm entering them, not because I think I'll win, or even because I think I'm that great of a writer, but because I love to write, and feel like I have things to say. Plus, you have to start somewhere, and I think this will motivated me to polish some of my writing.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Identity
So, in my haze of self-realization and honesty I have discovered that I know absolutely nothing. I know, shocking. Trying to find and maintain identity with this realization is a bit of a struggle, and at this point I am feeling simply frustration. In trying to answer fundamental questions about myself (things like: who am I really? What is it that I want? or even simply What am I going to major in?!) I have realized that to different people I am different things. Is this part of being an adult? compartmentalizing who you are? I certainly hope not. However, I find myself being different people at different times. Revealing only what I deem to be appropriate for the situation, and then hiding the rest. Sometimes, I care far too much about what other will think of me, and this needs to stop.
It is in this vein of thought that I feel I should at least mention the reason for my temporary insanity. Being 25 and going through a separation is not something that I necessarily wish to broadcast, but feel that for my own selfish purposes it's a fact I should put out there. I am now living with a roommate, instead of a spouse. I am trying to readjust my whole life, and find out who I am individually because that is not something I did very well while married.
Perhaps this is what would be deemed a quarter life crisis, although I'm not really a fan of that term. I think that people should be allowed, and encouraged, to continually evolve. To find out who and what they really are. If and when that changes, it is the beauty in life that allows us to adapt and grow with each flexing moment.
It is in this vein of thought that I feel I should at least mention the reason for my temporary insanity. Being 25 and going through a separation is not something that I necessarily wish to broadcast, but feel that for my own selfish purposes it's a fact I should put out there. I am now living with a roommate, instead of a spouse. I am trying to readjust my whole life, and find out who I am individually because that is not something I did very well while married.
Perhaps this is what would be deemed a quarter life crisis, although I'm not really a fan of that term. I think that people should be allowed, and encouraged, to continually evolve. To find out who and what they really are. If and when that changes, it is the beauty in life that allows us to adapt and grow with each flexing moment.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Where I'm very honest.
Oh, the times, they are a-changin'.
What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.
I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.
In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.
What an understatement for my life at the moment. My life has really been changing at a unbelievable pace. Much of the changes have been building, evolving and taking their own shape, in their own time. It just so happens that many of them finished this evolution simultaneously. And so, here I am, wading in an unfamiliar swamp, trying to figure out what happened to my once pristine life.
I am, for the most part, in a positive mind about all these changes. Life is a beautiful and complex beast, and often breeds situations that we do not understand, to achieve a result we may have been previously unaware of. However, with the uncertainty of my life at present, comes the uncertainty of past decisions. Right now, I am focusing on school. Now, I know this is a topic that i have perseverated on in the past. I will continue to do so until I feel that I am truly doing whatever it is that I should be.
In these moments, being me is the most important thing I feel I can do for my life. And this me is trying to figure out just who she is, while feeling simultaneously that sometimes it's just ok not to know.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Class Ramblings
This semester, I am enrolled in a course entitled "Global Connections". It is a liberal studies requirement from the university, however, I have the feeling that this could be one of my favorite classes, not just for this semester, but through the course of my college career.
The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.
The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.
Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.
The class focuses on the theme of "Global Justice" and to open the discussion portion of the class my professor brought up Haiti, the amount of aid and relief that is being provided to them, and our moral, social and selfish motivations for helping them.
The discussion was actually fairly diverse. Of course, my big mouth opened first, but from that came many opinions on why we help, whether we should help, and what, in more general terms, are the motivations for helping. During this conversation several people made the implication that human nature is to be good, and we are naturally drawn and compelled to help those in need. This is a statement I could not let go unopposed. Of course. Now, I don't think people are inherently bad, but I do think that there are people who just don't care, for whatever the reason may be. I stated that the notion that all people were good natured was a completely incorrect one. If that were the case, we wouldn't have things like abuse, neglect, etc. I may have been a little harsh for the poor girl who was convinced the world is good, but it was an interesting point of view to me, in that I just couldn't fathom seeing the world the way she did. Several people in the class agreed with this mindset of innate goodness... it made me feel jaded or cynical to stand alone on this opinion, but I was allowed to expand on my ideas, and feel that I made my point.
Overall, the discussion proved to be interesting, even more so because I'm fairly certain my professor is from the Caribbean, although he didn't let that into his lecture at all. Arguing and exchanging viewpoints is something I am very fond and I think this class will give me a lot to think about.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
Most people take the start of a New Year to reassess their lives, rethink their goals, realign expecations and begin again in a way that seems to only be offered by the presence of a new calender.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.
Happy New Year, all.
For me, this whole year has been about all of that. What am I doing, where am I going, what do I want? 2009 has been a year of my life where I have been as selfish as one person could be. It saw my return to college, a new job, new friends and new goals. None of that came about because of a resolution I made, and so I will again forgo having any for this year, either. I guess when it comes down to it, I am finding that not having a plan is serving me far better than any plan that I have tried to make. That in just trying to be myself I can and will become a more happy and complete person. This may seem trite or obvious to others, but I have tried for such a long time to please the people around me and sacrifice the things that I really want, or really need, to make my life feel complete.
So, 2010, I hope that you bring me surprises because right now, I'm wide open.
Happy New Year, all.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Definition
Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.
I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.
Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.
So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.
In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?
I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.
For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.
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