Definition

Starting college (again) has been a life changing event, obviously. And it has really challenged my ability to define myself to other people. As most of you know, I'm not one for definitions, but since I seem to be meeting new people and being asked lots of questions about who I am and what I do, and how I define myself, I thought I'd give it a shot.

I am: a woman, a student. a sister, a daughter, a friend. a lover and a fighter. a victim and a survivor. a writer. a mathematician. a musician. and activist. sometimes crass, abrupt or abrasive. always stubborn and opinionated. respectful. motivated. desired. loved.

Many of those (and that is really only a small portion) are straight forward, and easy to define, although I can't say that I would define myself by any one of those descriptives. They all play a certain part in who I am, but there seems to be no one defining factor. It's when we whittle everything down, and look at certain things such as "what do you believe?" "what do you want?" that things begin to get muddled.

So far, and as I've chronicled a bit in this blog, I have been unable to define things about myself like religion and sexuality, even though I've run the gamut on both. When it comes to politics, I call myself a liberal, but there are certain issues I am too ignorant of to make any sort of statement.

In college, everyone talks about what they want. A guy in one of my classes said "fame, power and fortune". Oh, if only it were so easy. I can't say... what do I want where? out of life? out of relationships? out of my career or education?

I have to say that from what I can discern, everyone would define themselves in a different context, and at different moments in their lives be different things. I feel ok with that. After realizing that the world is more grey then black and white, things begin to feel less complicated, and there is less forced definition.

For now, all I can answer is that I'm me. And I love me, and I'm happy with where my life is and what I'm doing.

Going, going...

Quick! I have 15 minutes before I need to get to my next class!

Obviously, things have been absurdly busy. I am no longer privy to long, leisurely evenings that allowed me to enlighten the world with my lilting, beautiful writing. Or, you know, write hurried and often neurotic blog posts. Same thing.

College is excellent. For real. I could not be happier with my decision to go back. I'm enjoying my classes and doing well in most of them. Chemistry is ... we'll see how that continues to go; I am optimistic that the first exam was a fluke, and that I will do better from here on out. We'll see. Everything else is going fairly smoothly, even if the only thing I've had time to write has been the random essays assigned to me in my English class.

Work is fun. I can't say that I'm thrilled to be working as much as I am, but I really love Amelie's (The amazing and fabulous French Bakery where I work), and the people and customers make me enjoy my time there. There is the slight issue of my ass getting a little bigger, and so I'll have to control my desire to eat everything in the cases... but other than that I am proud and delighted to be a part of such a great place.

I've been attempting to be at least a bit involved on campus, I've applied for a Freshman Leadership program (I met with the director, she encouraged me to apply, even though I'm old) and I'm trying to get involved in the production of the vagina monologues, although the Women's Studies department that hosts the event is a little less enthusiastic about the cause than I would like. I will officially start engineering classes next semester (YAY!) and have determined that if I take 2 summer classes, I should be on par with the rest of the Engineering students, and on track for only 4 lovely years here at UNCC.

Alright, the halls are filling with chattering students, my signal to moooove along.

Oh, also, my hair is purple. ish. I'm pretty happy to be able to funk things up again.

How quickly...

Oh, Maryland. How I miss and love you! I had the fortune of driving up to MD a week and a half ago to visit my little sister, who was home on leave. Foo Foo looks great, and it made me ridiculously happy to be in the same house with BOTH of my sisters at the same time. We went to a cool brewery that opened in Delmar, had dinner at my Dad's an just had some lovely sister time. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera, and as such have NO PICTURES. But we were all together. with our dogs. I promise!
Other than visiting my loved ones, I've just been doing the usual : Work, School, Homework, Study. I'm finding the studying thing to be the best -- especially for my math class. Obviously, most of the people in my classes are 18, and coming right from high school... so they don't need as much of a refresher as I do. My class is fast paced, which I like, but it leaves me teaching myself some things, simply because I'm the only one who hasn't been acquainted with the material recently. One of the women I work with asked if I felt like I was at a disadvantage... I'm not sure that I would call it that precisely, but I definitely will be working harder for my grades, at least this semester while I adjust and reacquaint.
The most exciting part of my week? RIVER IS LOSING HER TEETH! It's so weird! I guess with Simon, he ate them, so I never saw them. They are super tiny and cute. If teeth can be cute. I looked it up to make sure it was ok, and she seems to be right on schedule for having all of her adult teeth in a month or so. I'd been a bit concerned that she wasn't eating well, and I suppose it's because her teeth have been bothering her! This morning Hub made her an egg, and she was very happy to eat that, and even managed to eat some of her dry food. They grow so quickly!

It only gets better with...

(I took this picture last year at Childress Vineyards, when coming to look for a place to live. Who knew moving to NC would bring such large changes to my life!)

Now that I've settled into a routine, I can honestly say that being back in school is a) weirder than I thought it would be and b) more of an adjustment. As a person who has done a lot of "personal renovations" (of the mental/spiritual/philosophical/confidence kind) over the last few years, it is very strange for me to be in a setting where I have, for the most part, no power. I am very used to interacting with people who are older and have more education than I do... and am used to being viewed as a peer or equal. The fact that I have friends who are the same age, and with similar education as some of my professors is a bit disconcerting. I want to have more of a conversation, but college is not a conversation. It is a "sit down and learn what I'm saying". I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it's a weird feeling to be at the bottom of the totem pole again.
As far as the adjustment goes -- it's a scheduling thing. I've been used to coming home, having some wine, taking naps, going to the park, etc, etc. Now I am a slave to my schedule -- when am I working? When is class? When is this assignment due? Do I have enough time? It's resulted in my getting up too early, and going to bed too late. Despite this, I am very happy with my decision to return to school, even if it's taking a moment for me to get my brain in learning/studying mode. I feel very frustrated at times that I didn't get my act together sooner... knowing that I could have completed school already, and be in my career. It's very difficult not to look back like that, but I stumbled across this beautiful quote, that is very well stated, and means a lot to me:

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson

I've got all my life to live...

I've survived! I'm almost done with my first week of class (just one more tomorrow), and I have experienced a range of emotions this week: Elation, anxiety, frustration, interest, disgust, confusion, pride, nostalgia... and I could go on. Classes have been really great, although I think that blogging has ruined my writing "etiquette" and so I'll have to brush up on that.
It's been difficult for me to decide what exactly (outside of the academic learning) is interesting me the most. Is it the way that the 18 year old freshman react in class? Or is it the constant connectedness that is apparent all over campus -- iPhones, Laptops, Blackberries?
First, let me say that the second time around is quite different for me. I know what I want to do, I'm very committed and highly motivated. I know that when I was younger, my mind sent was not exactly the same, but SURELY I was never as flippant as the kids in my classes? Right? Why is so cool to spend 7,000+ a year on college, only to slack off and not attend class? I guess I just don't get it.
And moving on... I am ALL for social media. I think it is great. Fantastic, even. Being on twitter has connected me to Charlotte in a way that is mind blowing. Pretty much everything I know about Charlotte now comes from twitter. I follow interesting people, and have actually managed to make friends with a few people, just by "tweeting" at them. Very cool. But when is it too much? When are we crossing the line of "acceptable, informing communication" into "self-obsessed, absurd vanity"? The only thing I can keep thinking is Narcissus. When will this happen to us? One day, when the phone breaks or we're out of service range on vacation, how will we react? Will we take the sword and end it all, simply because we have no access to this wonderful reflection of ourselves? Ok, it's dramatic but, honestly, how far is it from the truth?

A change will do you good.

This is a moment when I know my life has changed. It is 11:30 on a Monday, and I am very awake, having just returned from playing pool. In the last year (probably a bit more) my life has changed drastically. I have not only changed cities, but changed states. I have changed jobs (twice now), moved from a 2 bedroom apartment, to a 2 bedroom townhouse. Bought a puppy. Cut my hair. Changed my entire life. Last week, I was a nanny with no direction. This week, I am a student. On my way to using all the beautiful intelligence I have been gifted.
I can very honestly say that I have made more changes in the last year than I have in the 7 years since my mom died. And much of that was fear. But, I'm determined to move past all that, in into my real life. The life where I continue to be fun and spontaneous, but also smart and responsible. The life where I make choices that make me happy, instead of make me safe. Having just returned from a pool hall (where I've never been, and am btw HORRIBLE at) I sit here and am able to fully recognize the massive changes in my life. Perhaps it was the 2 beers. Or the warm weather. Or the snuggling dogs. But whatever it is, this is the moment. My life, in a matter of a few hours, has changed and I couldn't be more thrilled. I am working at a bakery, which I adore, I am studying engineering -- something I didn't really think I'd have the balls to do, and I am loving, living and exploring more than I ever have in my adult life.
I'm done with the regrets. Moving on from the mistakes. Trying to leave the emptiness and sadness behind. Big, wide, beautiful world : Here I Come. Please be ready.

Time...

Hi, my name is Carol, remember me? I used to blog on a regular basis. And now, due to my life exploding and becoming insane, I can barely get in a regular update.

I am really going to try and be much better about this, if only so that I can have this is reflect in/on in the future. So, I feel like a lot has happened since I've last updated. Big thing: I got into UNCC! I'm pretty stoked about it, although not as confident as I had previously been about my track. While I love writing, I don't want to teach. And I would really like a bachelors that allows me to do something I enjoy, so I'm looking into something more in the science/math field, because as we all know, Math is My Life! So, I was officially accepted on friday (the picture is of one of the main buildings on campus), and classes start in oh, two and half weeks, so I am frantically trying to get everything together so that I can start. On top of all this, I am job searching, as my nanny job is over the friday before classes start! Let me tell you, I have a new appreciation for the word "recession". I have sent out resumes to at least 50 jobs, most of which were simple receptionist positions, and have gotten 3 phone calls. One was a scam, the other didn't work because of timing, and the third is an interview I have with a temp agency on friday. In the meantime, I'm pretty much driving myself crazy stressing out about every little thing. I try really hard not, but some times it is difficult. Although I feel I'm doing a better job of it than I usually do. This past weekend was very helpful in that -- Hub and I took the puppies down to Atlanta and spent some time with very quality people, who always make me feel loved, and always help me to relax.

I've also begun the task of sorting through some boxes of pictures that I got from my dad. Let me tell you, that is a long walk down memory lane. Sometimes the pictures make me happy, and sometimes they me melancholy or wistful. Either way, I'm very glad to have them.

Ok, that is all for now.