Split

Sometimes I feel as though there are two sides of me and, like a coin, I can never make them show at the same time. I try very hard to always stay true to myself, but what happens when these two sides are not only opposite, but conflicting? I believe part of this comes to my ability to block out emotions or feelings. I am often able to separate things that other people might not be able to. I suppose the down side to this separation is that when I can’t keep it up any longer, I crash. I know everyone acts a little crazy from time to time, but wonder how much crazy is socially acceptable in one person. How many times am I allowed to fuck up before my apologies mean nothing? Simultaneously wanting two things at once almost never leads to good results, and almost always ends up hurting someone in the process. This a crumb I have come to find over and over and over in my life, and each time I just sweep it away, until I find the next morsel and realize perhaps my mistake could have been avoided this time. Maybe it is in my nature as a writer or artist that I could never let myself feel completely and totally, one hundred percent, satisfied. Or maybe I just have a terrible case of the-grass-is-always-greener. As for now, these two sides are existing harmoniously, but what happens if I am unable to control it for ever? Is this just my human nature?